Beauty got you beat?

Q: I am an incredibly beautiful woman, and I suppose I should be grateful, but I am getting sick of the attention from men and even other women. It's getting to the point that I can't even take the bus anymore, as I will feel so many eyes on me, it's almost unbearable (I'm quite shy and insecure on the inside). Women refuse to be my friends due to jealousy and envy.

I'm desperate - what can I do to avoid this constant attention?

A: This is becoming an increasing problem in modern Western society, but, fear not! There is a solution!

There is a new cosmetic procedure called de-beautifying, which, while radical, cures the condition of extreme beauty like the disease it sometimes is.

The process involves several weeks of beating, slashing and burning, which results in hideous permanent scars that will avert the gaze of even the most voyeuristic observer. Eye contact becomes a thing of the past, as people are struck by the awkwardness and embarrassment of your vomit-inducing appearance.

A couple of reputable companies you could Google if you're interested in this excellent service:

• Hideoso Inc.
• AAA-WeWhackUHard
• Kavorkian De-Beautifiers
• Pot-Lickers: The Ugly-Makers

Some of these services also double as very effective debt-collection agencies.

Good luck, and may you hit every branch on the way down, on your graceful dive from the ugly tree.