Dream a Little Reality

Q: I sometimes ask myself, "Is life a dream?" Is life really a dream?

A: An interesting question, one that has been put forward by philosophers, writers and poets for many centuries.

Some posit that, when a person is in a dream, the dream becomes the real world and the real world becomes a dream. And that, if one were to dream about having a dream, then THAT dream world would become a dream and the first-level dream world would become reality. The "real" reality at this point would be a fading, distant memory at best, and would seem less real to the dreamer than the second-level reality his mind had created from the less tangibly real "real" world.

I often ponder these interesting and layered theories, but mostly find my nose spouting violent jets of snot-flecked blood when I do so.

So is life a dream?

The answer, sadly, is no. You've just watched "Inception" too many times.

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Flawed fling

Q: I am currently enjoying an illicit affair with a very cocky 22 year old who currently has a girlfriend.

Cocky 22 constantly makes remarks such as 'it wouldn't be ok with me if you were seeing someone else' etc etc. This gives me the idea that he wants more. These comments have been going on for weeks. I eventually responded in kind by saying that I like the 'idea' of us being exclusive. He responded to this by saying he's not breaking up with his girlfriend anytime soon and promptly removed his arms from me.

Why?

A: English philosopher Phil Collins (not the singer) once said privately to his wife: relationships should be enjoyed for their flaws, even more so than their successes.

This is very fortunate for you, as this sounds like one of the most flawed relationships I have come across -- there's another woman, he's cocky and evasive, he wants hypocritical terms.

Phil would find plenty to enjoy there!

Did I miss something? Perhaps we are all dead and he is the last man left on the planet?

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Keeping your mum... well... mum

Q: The other day some guy set fire to his apartment, and when the brave fireman came to rescue him from his window - sprayed him in the face with pepper spray.

My mum used to say everyone is created equal... but that's bulls*** - there's wack-jobs all around us, right?

A: Hehe, yeah, you nailed it reader, there certainly are whack-jobs everywhere.

We learn to reject our parents' ideals over time, and your questioning of your mother's judgement is just a sign of maturity.

Your mum was wrong. And probably a high class madam.

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I dry retch, therefore I am

Q: Is there a point to life or is it all just random occurences that happen until we expire.. You seem like someone who might be able to summarize a complex response in a paragraph or two..

A: Randomness is in the eye of the beholder. The same event can occur to two different people; one may see it as fate or attach significance to it, while the other may just think it's one more dip in the roller coaster of life.

Roller coasters make me vomit and dry retch uncontrollably, often leading to subsequent shivering and anal leakage for days. This is something I attach meaning to. It's ALL CONNECTED!

I think we understand each other, dear reader.

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A poet, and he knows it

Q: What do you think of my poem?

'Who say dat, flat jack?
Who's filleting the day in jetpack?
Is it who's looking down from lens of twin eye holes?
Huffy Cough puff ball of metaphysical ties.'

A: This poem is excellent. It's full of emotion, humour and big words. I see it as almost a direct commentary on the state of the social world as we know it.

Seek publishers, I'm serious.

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When a blurb is not enough

Q: If you cant judge a book by its cover, how ARE you meant to judge it ?

A: They also provide a short blurb on the sleeve of most books that concisely describe its contents.

However, that's insufficient for many people, including yours trully.

Generally, when judging a book, I like to put together a large panel of experts, overseen by a politically-objective steering committee, guided by a ex-miliatary computer system with GPS and a calming synthesised female voice.

I had a friend suggest once my process was overkill, but I haven't bought a dud read yet.

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Identity crisis

Q: Who am I?

A: You are a mass-murdering necrophile named Marcel.

Isn't that liberating? Now you know who you are, you can get on with your day.

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