Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Cruelty to animals, please

Q: Does inflicting cruelty on unwitting animals represent who you are?

A: Yes, reader, it most certainly does. However, the connotation is purely a cultural one, ranging from utter abhorrence to unyeilding respect.

For instance, certain suburban areas in the Republic of Azkhikistan regard a peaceful attitude toward animals as a sign of weakness, and fully expect citizens to immediately inflict the harshest form of violence against any animal within arm's reach. As a result, animals in Azkhikistan are known to be skittish and subserviant, with high stress levels and a much lower life expectancy than most other countries.

I visited once, and without properly researching local customs, I unwittingly failed to slap down a low-flying pigeon which passed close by my head. I was suddenly accosted by a group of heavy-set women who had been celebrating at a nearby pub. I had to retreat to my car until they lost interest in pursuing me and went back to their baby shower.

It was only later that I found out why I had been targetted.

However, in Western society, acts such as slapping down pigeons or tying cats to fishing wire and attaching them to moving ceiling fans are often looked down upon.

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

What in a name?

Q: Is my name stupid? Ever since I was a little boy people have teased me about it - snot-ass, ice-ass, fluff-snow-ass, etc. Is it really that bad?

A: There is nothing whatsoever wrong with your name. I cannot devulge it here on the website, however, as it has to remain anonymous. But don't be insecure about it, and ignore the naysayers, because your name is just... er... your name is...

Haha! I can't hold it in any longer! Your name is Winterbottom! It's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard next to an elderly couple who used to live near my house called the Cockburns!

Aaahahaha! You've made my day, honestly, thanks for writing in!

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Identity crisis

Q: Who am I?

A: You are a mass-murdering necrophile named Marcel.

Isn't that liberating? Now you know who you are, you can get on with your day.

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