World-Wide-Weariness!

Q: I've TRIED going online plenty of times; signed up for Facebook, Friendster, IMDB, CNN and even Twitter. But no matter how hard I try to entertain myself, I'm completely underwhelmed by it all!

I watch my friends and co-workers jumping online, clicking away, cackling uproariously and high-fiving each other as they surf -- but I just don't get it!

What's so good about the internet?

A: Well, dear reader, you have found one good thing about the internet, haven't you?

AskHarv is a miraculous resource for informative, and life-changing information, and it wouldn't be possible without this interconnected mess of wires we call the internet.

I used to laugh with my friends that if only I could somehow impart my knowledge onto a small handful of the general populace of the planet, it would probably solve all human issues in under a day.

Sure, I've only been able to impart a small fraction to the power of some astronomical number -- a number no calculator or computer would recognize as larger than zero -- of my knowledge via this medium, but even that has had positive intangible benefits to the world, and the universe. Perhaps even dimensions of space and time we have yet to recognize consciously, too.

Other than that. Meh. I could take it or leave it, too.

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Tipsy tomfoolery

Q: Its 2am and I is pissed. Everyone else is sleeping in bed and I feel a need to comment on peoples latest Facebook status. Should I just go to bed or get another drink??

A: If you're drunk, commenting on peoples' Facebook status can be hours of fun.

However, I've found, after a nice bottle of Pinot, tagging photos with incorrect information is far more rewarding.

For instance, my attractive female friend once posted a sexy photo of herself, in which you could clearly see her nipple through her blouse. I immediately tagged the nipple with the name of an extremely conservative Facebook friend. I could imagine his surprise when he opened up his Facebook in the morning and saw that his name was attached to a nipple! Haha!

When I found out he had been out of town and offline for 2 weeks and had given his wife access to his account in his absence, I was, naturally, quite surprised. I was also surprised to learn that they had become divorced and were arguing over custody of their 7 children (in the end they got half each, which was painful for the middle child).

So, in answer to your question, go to bed and never give your wife access to your Facebook account.

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Love leper

Q: Hi - how should a 33 year old single mother go about picking up some weekly casual cuddling/sex?

A: You present your question as if your age and situation are disadvantages. Perhaps in a vast majority of male eyes they are, but let me tell you from experience that there is someone for everyone out there.

I once met an extremely obese girl who was virtually swimming in offers for sex, relationships and even marriage.

Personally, I found her appearance - with her metal-shop-teacher arms, papier-mâché midriff and seventeen-point-two chins - distasteful, repugnant and nauseating, so I asked her out of curiosity how she did it. She said she had simply found a website that offered to hook up freakish male fetishists with the chubby funsters they craved.

Sadly, she is no longer with us, as one of her suitors turned out to be a serial killer who liked to take the fat from overweight women and deep-fry their eyeballs in it.

Not to worry, though - the internet is a great and fun way to turn what you see as disadvantages into advantages. Because, cliched as it sounds, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

If all else fails, I have a one-legged, mentally-retarded, midget half-brother called Norkie who's hard-pressed for a date. He's does have a horrifically vicious violent streak, but would be much more grateful for the attention than a "normal" guy. His penis seems to function fine when he rubs warm wasabe all over his body and masturbates like a wild orang utan.

We keep him confined to a padded room in my sister's basement, but we could set up a foam table with plastic wine glasses and cutlery for a nice candlelit dinner. Actually scratch the candles, as the sight of fire sometimes makes him scream incessantly for weeks.

Worth some thought in a pinch.

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Another critic!

Q: What makes you think you've got all the answers Jackass? Why should anyone take any advice from someone who probably just sits at home sniggering uncontollably at the laptop and whacking off to "Big Butts and Pigtails Volume 7: Anal Birthday"?

A: Another critic.

Hey, Mr Negativity, why don't you start up your own Q&A site if you think this one is so bad? Oh, what's that? Huh? Oh... you're not... you're not going to? Oh, is that right? And why... why is that, exactly? Oh, because you're a mentally retarded hermaphrodite who breast fed until he was 32 years old? Oh, and what? And you pee your pants on the hour!? Oh, I see. Wow, interesting!

Now go see if Mummy can make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

PS: I've never seen ANY movie in the "Big Butts and Pigtails" series, especially "Volume 7: Anal Birthday", so the joke's on you, Popsy!

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K9 bait and switch

Q: If you saw a link on a website that asked you to join a group that was 'against the use of live dogs as shark bait'... you'd think it was a joke as well, right?

A: I'd probably laugh heartily and go on about my day, browsing the porn site on which I found the link.

Watch out, though, animal activism is being used as part of a new internet scam whereby users foolhardy enough to click the link are infected with a virus called "p.42.tech_psych". This dangerous virus causes your computer to emit low-frequency electronic sonic pulses through the PC speaker.

Over time, the sounds interfere with the electronic signals of the human brain and cause erratic behaviour, such as making appointments you don't intend to keep, lurching at unsuspecting commuters on public transport, or glancing at one's watch repeatedly and giggling. In some cases, it has even been seen to cause an unnatural attraction to peanut butter, to the extent that several incedents have been reported at local supermarkets.

This is not a virus you want to get, folks, so be warned.

As an aside, or perhaps more to the point, dogs make excellent shark bait. Dog hairs lubricate the shark's oesophagus and aid in digestion once the animal has been devoured.

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Quicktime shmicktime

Q: Why does my Quicktime show up with a question mark in the middle of it? This happens on the new Toy Story trailer on the Apple Quicktime site and I can't watch it.

A: Well you've got me beat, good reader. I've never had that happ --

Wait, I just checked out the trailer you mentioned and you're right, it happens to me too. Hehe, it's a little frustrating, granted, but I bet if I just upgrade my Quicktime, it'll --

No, no, that didn't work. Wow, I wonder what that Toy Story trailer is like... Maybe if I play the small or medium ver --

No, no, still... won't... play. This is so frustrating. I'll have to Google it, Google's bound to have an answer somewh --

What the ****!? Nothing on Google, nothing on Apple, I'm gonna email those ******* now and tear them a new ******* ********!!

****!

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Fug wants a date

Q: My friend recently started going on dating websites. They always ask for a profile picture saying it increases your chances. So he says anyway, I wouldn't know. He keeps asking if it's wrong to use a picture of someone else. Can you give him some advice so I can get him to stop nagging me??

A: For simplicity's sake, let's give your friend a nickname, ok? Let's call him "you".

Thanks for enclosing the photo of yourself, as this has greatly coloured my answer on this one.

You are a horrifically unattractive man, and I cannot in good conscience advise you to spread photographs of yourself anywhere for public consumption. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that if you do show that photo to anyone else, I would feel obliged to call the police.

So yes, please, use a photo of your favourite porn star, because no one wants to see a face that closely resembles a dropped breakfast.

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