tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-91923334936354204592011-10-13T09:34:44.286+08:00Ask HarvAsk me anything, I've got all the answers. And if I don't, I'll make something up.Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.comBlogger142125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-1258136807964795872011-09-02T06:49:00.008+08:002011-09-02T07:20:44.343+08:002011-09-02T07:20:44.343+08:00Proximity AlertQ: Why do people you love hurt you?
<br />
<br />A: Ah, the classic conundrum!
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<br />Let me answer your question with another question, dear reader: Who else is going to hurt you -- people you hate?
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<br />I'm assuming here that you're relatively normal and don't go out of your way to surround yourself with people whom you utterly despise? Are you making the age-old mistake of hanging out with pedophiles, necrophiliacs or perhaps Veronica?
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<br />If so, that's gonna be a problem, because those dudes will most likely rape you -- regardless of age, gender or pulse.
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<br />If that's not the case, then who else has access? You guessed it, the people you love!
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<br />So it's generally a matter of proximity.
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<br />It's probably true that your enemies would like nothing more than to punch you in the throat and push you into a pile of garbage while you're gagging for air. But if you don't let them close to you, collapsing your windpipe with a swift karate punch is simply not an option.
<br />
<br /><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 255px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-F107TAsMpFg/TmAOXTm1mKI/AAAAAAAAAbI/rmR9kcqqkjI/s320/fonzie1.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5647529726285551778" /> Honestly, the easiest way to not get hurt is to be cool like Fonzie (and myself) and not care about anything.
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<br />[starts jukebox with a casual bump of the elbow]
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<br />Eeeeeeh!
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<br />
<br />PS: I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't also mention the possibility that the people you love do, indeed, hate you. Perhaps they are the types that subscribe to "keep your enemies close"?
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<br />I wouldn't advise you to get paranoid, but it's entirely possible that they are all out to get you. Perhaps they even have secret meetings about how to best make your life utter hell while you're out experimenting on your cats, or watching torture porn. You just never know for sure.
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<br />KEEP ALL YOUR EYES OPEN!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-125813680796479587?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-73367659793317116082011-08-28T10:26:00.004+08:002011-08-28T11:02:32.554+08:002011-08-28T11:02:32.554+08:00Do the "Jiggery Pokery"!Q: Most people think I’m a bit of weirdo, and I’m trying to appear more normal. Now, the other day I just learned a new phrase. It’s “jiggery pokery”. I have absolutely no idea what it means, but I was just wondering if I should start using in every day conversations from now on?
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<br />A: The short answer is yes, absolutely.
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<br />It sounds like you are universally disliked already, so what harm could it do?
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<br />I'm unaware of the term "jiggery pokery", but is sounds to me like a funny dance that ends in rape.
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<br />Since the phrase clearly doesn't exist, lets assume that most people will agree with my interpretation. Well, that's certainly the sort of thing that will get you noticed if you slip it into casual conversation, isn't it? Indeed, it's rather hard to ignore!
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<br />Here's an example. Say you're talking about the latest movies, and someone brings up feminist issues. You could simply throw your hands up and scream "NOT enough jiggery pokery, right!?"
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<br />If you do it often enough, you may find it has many positive side effects, such as inspiring the conversation to go in completely new and interesting directions.
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<br />Or, there may be a couple of minor, slightly negative, side effects:
<br /><ul><li> <img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 287px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mSSv73JPzEM/TlmvWDmFEvI/AAAAAAAAAbA/7rb8bXKnuC0/s320/bullying.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5645736401342632690" /> You may find people wanting to repeatedly dip your head in the toilet. Not to worry, this is perfectly natural when you use phrases that don't exist in an attempt to get popular. You just need to have faith that after a few good flushings, you'll win them over.</li><li>Initially, women will hate you and report you to the police. This is because your random non-existent phrase really does stink of rape. And remember, she never wanted to be talking to you in the first place, so it's an uphill battle.</li><li>Expect to be punched in the face without warning, or king-hit from behind with a bottle or other available weapon, such as a medieval mace. Perhaps wear a helmet? You could color it nicely with crayons or permanent markers, or decorate it with ribbons and glossy paper, so it looks like you're attempting to be fashionable.</li><li>You may be murdered. Again, perfectly natural, and something you may need to endure in order to seem normal.</li></ul><p>Good luck, and I truly do hope people start seeing you as less of a weirdo. And remember, if you find your head submerged in toilet water with your eyeballs rubbing up against some homeless guy's discolored bloody turds, hey, at least you're trying.</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-7336765979331711608?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-26839355728677191092011-03-26T04:09:00.000+08:002011-03-26T04:09:10.496+08:002011-03-26T04:09:10.496+08:00Mystery Poet Strikes Again!Q: What do think of my latest poem?<br />
<br />
1. Climaxing puppies...<br />
2. Whack crap, tail flap<br />
3. World wide WAP with a fat attack<br />
4. Climaxing puppies...<br />
5. Tear off my face and wipe your ass with it<br />
6. Eat a bald tit<br />
7. Climaxing puppies...<br />
8. A t-shirt that fits you?<br />
9. Don't mess with a shih tzu<br />
Climaxing puppies...<br />
Climaxing puppies...<br />
Climaxing puppies.<br />
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A: I read this aloud, and in the distance I heard children screaming with delight. It was impossible that they could have heard the poem from that distance, so I can only assume they instinctively sensed it's emotional echo.<br />
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Such satirical cynicism, mixed with the innocence and hope of a child trying out for the baseball team and is fairly confident of being picked.<br />
<br />
If you mixed this poem with blood-filled urine and black ichor from the devil's veins, it would still be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I would be keen to ingest it into every orifice of my body.<br />
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You're a national treasure, mystery poet, and I love you on behalf of every person on Earth.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-2683935572867719109?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-59723509100060957562011-03-23T19:40:00.007+08:002011-03-23T20:10:46.666+08:002011-03-23T20:10:46.666+08:00Apocalypse SoonQ: With a global meltdown imminent, I would like to know how you're preparing for it Harv. I plan on basing my own survival on your sage advice - so please. Share with us less fortunate than yourself the wisdom necessary to overcome this bleakest of futures and survive into the new age.<br /><br />A: Sure, dear reader; I am writing this from my lead-coated, underground bomb shelter as we speak.<br /><br />There are a few precautions that everyone should be considering, in order to prepare for the global apocalypse:<br /><br />1) Trade in your cash. When the meltdown occurs, your cash money will be worth EXACTLY the paper it's printed on. People will tell you to store gold, but gold also has little practical value in a post-apocalyptic, low technology society, where most of the leprechauns have been disassembled at a sub-atomic level. Personally, I have opted for peanuts. Not only are they a good source of nutrition and will provide great collateral in a bartering society, they are damned delicious and go well with beer. It's lonely down here in the shelter.<br /><br />2) Impregnate someone. It sounds silly, but if your face is melted off by excessive UV exposure, or your body is disintegrated to a pile of steaming custard by a nuclear blast-wave, your offspring is a way to survive beyond physically surviving. Obviously, this does not apply to women. I'd advise women to become more slutty and less choosy -- and then tell me what bars they are planning to hang out in.<br /><br /><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 319px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5rV0mJ2tPwc/TYniMUPh-XI/AAAAAAAAATk/_3CkFo6zS9A/s320/teleport.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5587245513949968754" />3) Invent time travel or teleportation. It may sound like science fiction, but this is an area of research that the human race is really slacking off in. Sure, I've been dabbling myself, and have actually been able to transport my hand across the room 20 metres, only to get it stuck in a cement wall and spend hours with a hammer and chisel trying to free it so I could sew it back on. But, even though I can definitely do it alone, it would be <em>slightly</em> faster if we also had the world's greatest minds to support my efforts.<br /><br />Eventually, I'm planning to make a clone of myself, implant my memories in it, cryogenically freeze it, and teleport it into the far reaches of space. That way, if we destroy the planet, at least our greatest natural resource -- me -- will be preserved. The aliens should know how to thaw me out and revive my massive intellect.<br /><br />Please, though, whatever you do, don't shoot talentless hacks like Lindsay Lohan or David Hasselhoff out there after me, no matter how much money they throw at the problem.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-5972350910006095756?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-41226370920379418912011-02-19T12:57:00.004+08:002011-02-19T13:18:11.883+08:002011-02-19T13:18:11.883+08:00World-Wide-Weariness!Q: I've TRIED going online plenty of times; signed up for Facebook, Friendster, IMDB, CNN and even Twitter. But no matter how hard I try to entertain myself, I'm completely underwhelmed by it all! <div><br /></div><div>I watch my friends and co-workers jumping online, clicking away, cackling uproariously and high-fiving each other as they surf -- but I just don't get it! </div><div><br /></div><div>What's so good about the internet?</div><div><br /></div><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NaC5FDErBFw/TV9SXQm21wI/AAAAAAAAATc/9g5n25heqD0/s320/internet-junkie-10.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 260px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575265423256377090" /><div>A: Well, dear reader, you have found one good thing about the internet, haven't you?<br /><br />AskHarv is a miraculous resource for informative, and life-changing information, and it wouldn't be possible without this interconnected mess of wires we call the internet.<br /><br />I used to laugh with my friends that if only I could somehow impart my knowledge onto a small handful of the general populace of the planet, it would probably solve all human issues in under a day.<br /><br />Sure, I've only been able to impart a small fraction to the power of some astronomical number -- a number no calculator or computer would recognize as larger than zero -- of my knowledge via this medium, but even that has had positive intangible benefits to the world, and the universe. Perhaps even dimensions of space and time we have yet to recognize consciously, too.</div><div><br /></div><div>Other than that. Meh. I could take it or leave it, too.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-4122637092037941891?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-61372293660812981432011-02-04T01:50:00.005+08:002011-02-04T02:23:43.219+08:002011-02-04T02:23:43.219+08:00Mmm... M&Ms...Q: Ever wonder when you eat these little chocolate pieces...who actually print's the M&M on these little dudes???<div><br /></div><div>A: You may believe it's Santa's elves, highly intelligent ticks with tiny fountain-pens, or even aliens from the planet "Alpha Candori" that perform this intricate task! But, dear reader, unfortunately the truth is much less interesting: fairly simple machines, designed by man.</div><div><br /></div><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TUrwSh5qH_I/AAAAAAAAATU/rr204ur2p-k/s320/060328_fly_glasses_big.jpg" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 222px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5569528090325557234" /><div>However, your question has relevance in the field of ultrafast laser micro-machining, as the text on M&Ms were a precursor to this interesting field of miniaturization research. </div><div><br /></div><div>Recently, researchers from the manufacturing firm Micreon GmbH managed to create a pair of glasses fitted to the head of a fly. And the amazing thing is that, not only did they fit, they were <i>stylish!</i></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div>I have heard, through my contacts at Nasa, Harvard and the Alexander von Humboldt Foundation, that Micreon's next project will be lubricated, vibrating condoms for African Dung Beetles. Admittedly, male Dung Beetles do get a whole lot less sex than you might think, but, when they do manage to get laid, they have an notoriously immutable talent for two things: </div><div><ul><li>producing offspring with almost every pop</li><li>providing very little pleasure for the poor female shit-bug</li></ul><div>That latter is, in large part, due to their horrific stench (yes its abhorrent even to females of the species), but it's still a praise-worthy research-goal nevertheless.</div></div><div><br /></div><div>Slightly less praise-worthy is their other high-priority project of the moment: M&Ms that are 1/1000th the size of regular candies. I have seen a proof-of-concept, and to me it looks just like a multi-coloured bag of sticky sand -- and to be quite honest, it melts in your hand a lot easier than the regular size.</div><div><br /></div><div>In my assessment: EPIC FAIL!</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-6137229366081298143?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-42280040350941867252011-02-03T17:54:00.005+08:002011-02-03T18:46:10.268+08:002011-02-03T18:46:10.268+08:00Three times the charm!Q: Are we close to a World War Three?<div><br /></div><div>A: Yes, dear reader, we most certainly are. Every week I'm surprised that no one got nuked that particular week, and predict that it must happen the following one.</div><div><br /></div><div>However, being anti-war is a little knee-jerk, I feel, as war provides many benefits to human kind, such as:</div><div><ul><li><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TUqHUha0v-I/AAAAAAAAATI/1U0e1HoCJZM/s320/WorldExploding.jpg" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 274px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5569412675835052002" />Population control: war tends to wipe out a lot of people, and since a large percentage of our current population is essentially useless, chances are we'll cull quite a lot of those.</li><li>The end of worry: sure, you may be one of the unlucky majority who gets their faces melted off, but, let's face it: we're due for one, so lets just get it out of the way so we can stop worrying about it.</li><li>Mutation: the nuclear fall out from war would be devastating, sure, but if we ever want to see a real life version of the TV show Heroes or the comic book X-Men, we better get some significant sources of radiation going soon. Evolution relies on mutation, and we haven't had anywhere near enough of it lately.</li></ul></div><div><br /></div><div>I would suggest worrying less about war and more about things like, say, reality television. We can't stop war, but we CAN try get the ratings of shows like Survivor, Big Brother and Idol down as low as possible. That way, after the big war is over, the fledgling post-apocalyptic society that emerges won't remain under the misapprehension that such shows are cool and keep making them. </div><div><br /></div><div>If we're not careful, they may even think its a good idea to clone Lindsay Lohan, or, heaven forbid, Gwyneth Paltrow, from the ashes of their blow-fly-ridden, charred, rotting corpses.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-4228004035094186725?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-37937405742023756342011-01-13T15:01:00.008+08:002011-01-13T15:36:54.672+08:002011-01-13T15:36:54.672+08:00Religious Work-ExperienceQ: Hey Harv, now that religion is dead, what do you think would be a good job for Jesus?<br /><br />A: Well, I guess the son of God would have many useful applications once retired from the position of savior of humanity. Here are a few ideas:<br /><ol><li><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TS6pU3f8dRI/AAAAAAAAATA/d_zgg1gxqRU/s320/JC-Surgeon-2.jpg" style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 320px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5561568765809554706" />Doctor. Admittedly, this is a little off-the-shelf, but you can't deny that Jesus' ability to heal any disease or ailment would come in very handy in the medical profession. However, job satisfaction would be an issue, as healing isn't particularly challenging for Jesus, and of course getting an appointment would be a nightmare. He would drive pretty much all other doctors out of business, too, which may lead to another unfortunate and bloody crucifixion.</li><li>Fashion designer. Jesus' attire wasn't especially fashionable in the 0's, 10's and 20's, but his flowing robes and sandals MUST be due to make a come-back by now! I can imagine Paris Hilton being very interested in getting the secret to Jesus' patented "glowing head" look, too.</li><li>Writer. He has already provided the storyline for one bestseller. If anyone can challenge John Grisham, Stephen King and Dan Brown, it would be the Christ himself. He has access to one of the more intriguing characters in literary history ( I would imagine he'd have a tendency for asides, rambling descriptions and possibly a little narcissism, but it would be nothing a good editor couldn't fix. Perhaps blogging would be more his style.</li><li>Pool Attendant/lifeguard. Walking on water, anyone?</li></ol><br />Whatever he would choose, I'd make a point to be a loyal customer.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-3793740574202375634?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-84509738724557394082011-01-12T09:31:00.002+08:002011-01-12T09:52:32.608+08:002011-01-12T09:52:32.608+08:00Dream a Little Reality<span class="Apple-style-span" >Q: I sometimes ask myself, "Is life a dream?" Is life really a dream?</span><br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" >A: An interesting question, one that has been put forward by </span><span class="Apple-style-span" >philosophers</span><span class="Apple-style-span" >, writers and poets for many centuries. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >Some posit that, when a person is in a dream, the dream becomes the real world and the real world becomes a dream. And that, if one were to dream about having a dream, then THAT dream world would become a dream and the first-level dream world would become reality. The "real" reality at this point would be a fading, distant memory at best, and would seem less real to the dreamer than the second-level reality his mind had created from the less tangibly real "real" world. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >I often ponder these interesting and layered theories, but mostly find my nose spouting violent jets of snot-flecked blood when I do so.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >So is life a dream?<br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" >The answer, sadly, is no. You've just watched "Inception" too many times.</span></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-8450973872455739408?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-1995430242429141542011-01-04T03:49:00.005+08:002011-01-04T04:00:22.168+08:002011-01-04T04:00:22.168+08:00Canine ClampingQ: A Rottweiler just clamped its teeth on my balls and won't let go. Should I be concerned?<div><br /></div><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TSIqNlCVOBI/AAAAAAAAASw/Vo8Tk8Feudk/s320/dog-picture-photo-rottweiler-funny-face.jpg" style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 306px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5558051302897170450" /><div>A: No, dear reader, there is nothing to worry about. </div><div><br /></div><div>Although our friend the Rottweiler does possess the strongest bite-strength of all canine breeds, he still gets tired eventually like any other animal. </div><div><br /></div><div>You just need to withstand the pain longer than the dog does, and it's a known fact that the Rottie has a notoriously low endurance threshold for pain!</div><div><br /></div><div>If you're worried about more damage being done to your testicles while you play this dubious waiting game, take solace in the fact that, odds are, the majority of the damage was done during the initial biting motion and won't be particularly worsened by the lack of blood-flow or additional crushing force applied by the dog's jaws. No leverage, you see.</div><div><br /></div><div>Just watch out for any kind of sawing motion.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-199543024242914154?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-10156508216644811552010-07-27T18:50:00.006+08:002010-07-27T19:25:25.682+08:002010-07-27T19:25:25.682+08:00More Interesting Than Watching Paint Dry!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TE7A_uKs2HI/AAAAAAAAASc/PVIkbrtYi_w/s1600/3772-84mcnaught_druckmuller.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 286px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TE7A_uKs2HI/AAAAAAAAASc/PVIkbrtYi_w/s320/3772-84mcnaught_druckmuller.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5498544396023158898" /></a>Q: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?<br /><br />A: Yes! And what does one do with a painting of four billion stars?<br /><br />Great question, dear reader! This syndrome is a well-known aspect of human thought processes (or lack thereof) called the "Ignorami Factor", first described by the brilliant philanthropic egomaniac Ignatious Ignorami.<br /><br />Basically, what the principle infers is that humans are more susceptible to accepting unverifiable facts when they are larger and more elaborate.<br /><br />In even simpler terms: the bigger the lie, the more likely people are to believe it.<br /><br />This can be seen in many aspects of modern life, and many "facts" presented to us by popular culture and the media. Some examples:<br /><br /><div><ul><li>Money makes the world go round. But, yeah, isn't it also the root of all evil. So what then? Is the world evil?<br />(note: I actually think this particular contradiction was due to a simple typo. I'll let you decide if it should have been "monkey makes the world go round" or "monkey is the root of all evil.")</li><li>Michael Jackson is dead. Yah, er... ok, suuure he is. But first he made a DVD and a couple of new songs! In no way has that been convenient for him and his estate!</li><li>The tragedy of 9-11 was perpetuated by terrorists. Oh really!? If you could see how much evidence I had to indicate it was an act of war by an alien species, your heart would probably stop.</li><li>Veronica is not a whore. I assure you all, dear readers, she most certainly is.</li></ul><br />I could go on. To be honest, following a childhood incident with a hot iron, some black duck feathers and an oversized novelty hammer, I have been fighting this syndrome myself for many years, but my nature is to verify every fact for myself.<br /><br />So, yes, I have counted the stars and it's nowhere near four billion!<br /><br />I also verified Michael Jackson's "death", and... well... I can't reveal too much of that because it might involve illegally exhuming his corpse, which I definitely DIDN'T do.<br /><br />And I have those happy snaps to prove the Veronica thing. Who wants to see them?</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-1015650821664481155?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-70277978293254407162010-07-18T21:44:00.006+08:002010-07-18T22:01:10.550+08:002010-07-18T22:01:10.550+08:00Ozone SlayerQ: I heard somewhere that global warming is a scam and we're not at risk. Care to weigh in, Harv?<br /><br />A: I'm afraid you're misinformed, dear reader. Global warming -- or, termed more correctly, climate change -- is very real and may even prove to be more of an immediate peril than we originally thought.<div><br /></div><div>The solution, however is fuel for much debate. It is unfortunately the case that scientists do not fully understand the causes of climate change, and cannot agree on a solution.</div><div><br /></div><div>I, of course do know the solution but have been having trouble drumming up support for it, as it does go against the grain of the majority of thinking on the subject. NATO have tried to silence me on the issue, but NATO can go drink pig's vomit and vomit it on their own balls, because I'm 100% certain of myself on this.<br /><br />After many decades of research, I am convinced the answer lies in INCREASING our carbon emissions, POLLUTING our environment in every way possible, and completely ERADICATING that pesky ozone layer ASAP. EXTINCT all cute furry animals, too, while you're at it.<br /><br />The scientific principles behind my theory are incredibly complex and impossible to explain to a layman audience. </div><div><br /></div><div>But here's the gist of it: think of the Earth like a person who has lost his memory due to a bump on the head... We all know from movies that the only way to restore their memory is to hit them again. And harder.<br /><br />So, Earth, brace yourself for a frypan to the cranium, coz this is gonna hurt!</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-7027797829325440716?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-16148650873442021082010-07-01T12:15:00.008+08:002010-07-01T13:03:59.363+08:002010-07-01T13:03:59.363+08:00Ring-a-Ring-a-Smokey!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TCwg0dwQxhI/AAAAAAAAASM/518KO79mDbw/s1600/Smoke.jpg"></a>Q: I'm very unpopular in my school, and get my face pounded into a wet, fleshy pulp every lunchtime. I'm already blind in one eye and can no longer lick ice-creams.<br /><br />I figure the best solution is to take up smoking and learn how to blow smoke rings like the cool kids do. I just can't work out how to do it!<br /><br />Help me Harv!<br /><br /><br />A: Being way too intelligent to ever take up smoking, I did not have the answer to your question at hand.<br /><br />However, I don't like to leave a question unanswered on AskHarv, so I have been conducting experiments in my lab the past fortnight. I have been able to work out how to blow smoke rings, and it's not as difficult as you may think, once you know the trick.<br /><br />Before you face your friends and attempt to impress them, you need to do a bit of preparation. You'll need:<br /><ul><li>1 elastic band</li><li>3 rolls of electrical tape</li><li>3.2 kms of copper wire</li><li>1 breathing apparatus (a regular rebreather would be fine)</li><li>2 18 ft tall steel pylons</li><li>a lead shield, at least 19 inches thick</li><li>2 power sources capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts (a couple of small, modern power plants would do)</li></ul><div>Simply relocate or construct the two power plants either side of your school, wrap the pylons in copper wire, fire up the power, and position yourself at a perfectly equidistant point between the two.<br /><br />When you light up a cigarette at this location, you'll find the smoke is affected by the electromagnetic field to form all sorts of circular shapes, such as ovals, spheres, 4th-dimensional planes, and, of course, the ever-elusive rings you desire!<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TCwg0dwQxhI/AAAAAAAAASM/518KO79mDbw/s320/Smoke.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5488798131570132498" style="float: right; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 231px; height: 320px; " /></span>To impress your friends further, you'll find the trick also has a number of impressive side-effects, such as:<br /><ul><li>Creating shimmering pockets of white light and unpredictable weather conditions</li><li>Transporting objects and creatures from parallel dimensions to our world</li><li>Completely disintegrating people's atoms in less than a nanosecond</li><li>Opening unstable worm-holes, thus sending organic, sentient beings (well any that you haven't already disintegrated) careering randomly through space-time<br /></li><li>The smoke may also become self-aware and develop consciousness</li></ul></div><div>A word of warning, though: you may find the electromagnets generate a lot of heat.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-1614865087344202108?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-67717024087984534782010-05-29T11:59:00.005+08:002010-05-29T12:24:05.425+08:002010-05-29T12:24:05.425+08:00Down in the Dumps<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TACVdlq9QwI/AAAAAAAAASE/S1niUQQ_14c/s1600/BullDog.gif"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 274px; height: 239px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/TACVdlq9QwI/AAAAAAAAASE/S1niUQQ_14c/s320/BullDog.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5476541482443555586" /></a>Q: Hello Mr esteemed AskHarv dude, I got a question. You know when all dogs go to do the #2, why do they squat? Why can't they just do the deed standing up? I've always wondered about this, looking forward to your forthcoming outstanding answer.<div><br /></div><div>A: Dear reader, dogs do all sorts of weird stuff, don't they? They smell each other's asses, chase their tails, and play in traffic with the assumed goal of getting run over by a massive truck and squeezing their bowels out through their mouths.<br /><br />You are right to ponder the mysteries of probably the most spastic and ill-considered animal in all of God's realms.<br /><br />This particular behavior is purely a physical one. Dogs have nerve-endings connected to particular parts of their bodies that force involuntary muscle contractions when stimulated. You would have seen a dog's leg twitch when it's belly is scratched; this is a similar reaction. Try tickling a dog's anus and you'll see his stomach and back muscles contract uncontrollably, causing the very hunch you mention.<br /><br />Actually, funny story, I once knew a puppeteer who got drunk and decided to experiment on his own pet puppy. He attached 17 small feathers to various known sensitive zones on his dog's body and wired them up to various buttons on a remote control. He was able to make the dog walk, sit, lick it's own ear and even head-butt itself, just by pressing the right sequence of buttons on the remote.</div><div><br />He is currently performing his bizarre but entertaining "Puppetized Puppy" act at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-6771702408798453478?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-46989829597417462292010-05-18T16:53:00.004+08:002010-05-18T18:48:39.930+08:002010-05-18T18:48:39.930+08:00Note-worthy Question!<div style="text-align: left;">Q: Hello Harv, I am in Pilippines now. My probins Leyte.</div><br />I ask why I can never find 200 piso notes here in my country? Why make note but not use? I like green color.<br /><br />Tnx po, love AskHarv website!<br /><br />A: Interesting question, dear reader! I have been unable to get accurate information on exactly how many 200 peso notes there are currently in circulation, which means it probably does not exist, but I can answer why the note was created and then subsequently not included in further print-runs.<br /><br />Once officials released the commemorative note in 2002, it was quickly discovered that it drastically reduced the amount of bribe revenue coming in to police and government officials, as it provided an alternative denomination to the previously well-established and convenient bribe-standard, the p500 note.<br /><br />This caused many corrupt officials to be unable to feed their families and led to threats of industrial action and work-stoppages.<br /><br />Interestingly, the government is now considering phasing out the p500 and replacing it with a p720 banknote to boost bribe revenue again.<br /><br />There is already a design proposed for the new note:<br /><br /><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S_JsKWvMtlI/AAAAAAAAAR8/VDHOGadDI_A/s1600/p720-Note.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S_JsKWvMtlI/AAAAAAAAAR8/VDHOGadDI_A/s400/p720-Note.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472555422366611026" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 165px; " /></a><div><br /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-4698982959741746229?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-42602001200255543882010-05-02T17:47:00.006+08:002010-05-02T18:13:37.540+08:002010-05-02T18:13:37.540+08:00Speakers now, or forever lose the peace..<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S91QJBL0IwI/AAAAAAAAAR0/GPQKBQi31Sk/s1600/FartSign.jpg"></a>Q: Why do people persist with listening to their phones thru the shitty internal speaker? It sounds crappy and annoys the hell out of everyone around them.<br /><br />Has consideration for other people been squashed? Whats wrong with society today?<br /><br /><br />A: I have long lobbied Nokia to adopt my special micro-speaker technology, which can produce professional quality sound from an electromagnetic diode no larger than a thumb tack. I am willing to give it away for free to solve this very problem.<br /><br />But you're right, this is all part of a larger problem. Not only do people listen to poor quality sound in public places, but they display other discourtesies that are simply not becoming of a gentleman, and make life in public areas almost intolerable.<br /><br />For example:<br /><br /><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S91QJBL0IwI/AAAAAAAAAR0/GPQKBQi31Sk/s320/FartSign.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5466613638564684546" style="float: right; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></span>Farting in elevators has risen 26% in the past 3 years.</li><li>The volume of patrons' chewing in restaurants has doubled in the space of 5 years.</li><li>People throwing their own faeces on public transportation has become a measurable statistic, with 4.2% of the population engaged in the activity.</li><li>Reach-arounds in homosexual relationships have dropped 17% in 18 months.</li><li>The number of female celebrities doing nude scenes has declined to 7 per year in Hollywood.</li></ul>It really is a sorry state of affairs. Gentlemen -- such as you and I, dear reader -- are a dying breed. It won't be long before a trip to the supermarket involves a mugging, cursory rape, and a thorough tar-and-feathering to boot!<br /><br />Sometimes I wonder if I should devote my considerable genius to the eradication of the human race. But then I realise we've been doing that for generations already, and it's a project that is already proving effective.<br /><br />Then I sleep well at night.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-4260200120025554388?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-60102951862363522292010-05-02T17:14:00.004+08:002010-05-02T17:29:48.630+08:002010-05-02T17:29:48.630+08:00On a roll...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S91F08f-I5I/AAAAAAAAARs/s3YBUB5_7ck/s1600/toilet+paper+dispenser-thumb.jpg"></a>Q: Why is it that no-one understands my need of having the toilet paper over the top rather than underneath? How do you like it Harv?<br /><br /><br />A: No one understands it, because they don't have a doctorate in psychology, and hence cannot understand that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You are also probably a complete hoarder, am I right?<br /><br />"Turd Burglar" magazine hosts an annual poll on exactly this subject. Up until 2002, the results were pretty much 50-50. In 2003, they added a third response, which was "I care even less about this than the possibility Lindsay Lohan will be molested and eaten by a gang of horny bears with lion claws and shark teeth in her LA home".<br /><br />Since then, the latter response has received 97.2% support.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S91F08f-I5I/AAAAAAAAARs/s3YBUB5_7ck/s320/toilet+paper+dispenser-thumb.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5466602298593387410" style="float: right; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 241px; " /></span>As for my own preference? Well, I invented an automatic dispenser which deploys toilet paper directly onto my asshole whenever it detects faecal matter. It also charges my iPod.<br /><br />And I roll it in the middle. But I'm not going to tell you how I do it.<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-6010295186236352229?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-37906683199701640512010-04-28T09:41:00.007+08:002010-04-28T11:26:35.117+08:002010-04-28T11:26:35.117+08:00Hard Up for Advice!<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S9eYQ6r2HkI/AAAAAAAAARU/w6R7ddx6ys4/s1600/31HardDrive.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 180px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5465004089235873346" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S9eYQ6r2HkI/AAAAAAAAARU/w6R7ddx6ys4/s320/31HardDrive.jpg" /></a><br /><div>Q: I have an external USB hard drive that hosts all of my porn. One day I inadvertently ejaculated onto it, knocking it off the desk and onto the floor. When I tried to boot it up again, it had simply stopped working.<br /><br />I desperately need to get it back, and fast!<br /><br />I read somewhere you can freeze a hard drive to revive it, but, alas, this did not help me with my problem.<br /><br />What else can I try?<br /><br /><br />A: There are many ways to recover lost data, depending on the type of problem you have come across (no pun intended, since you're recovering porn here).<br /><br />Freezing can work, but if you've tried this already to no avail, here are a few other solutions:<br /><br />1) It's a little known fact that hard drives contain organic matter. Sometimes simply talking to the hard drive in a calm but firm manner can yield results. I once talked a hard drive into giving up it's valuable data, even after it had been trampled by camels, burnt up in a house fire, and touched in the wrong way by Lindsay Lohan.<br /><br />2) Water it. I know, it sounds crazy, but water it.<br /><br />3) Take it to high altitudes. I had a hard drive once that hadn't worked for years. I carried it around with me regardless, as it had private pictures of myself and Veronica on it. However, one winter, I just happened to be ascending Everest, fired up the laptop and, lo and behold, there were the compromising pictures! I immediately rang Veronica and made her sexually humiliate her new rock star boyfriend over the phone so I could listen. He whined like a little girl the whole time and ended up sobbing in a corner, rocking back and forth, hugging himself. It was very satisfying!<br /><br />4) Threaten it with a knife, or, even better, a gun. If it knows what's good for it, it'll give you your data back. Beware, though, that if you do shoot a hard drive, you may make matters worse, so this is last resort stuff.<br /><br />You really need to take better care of your porn. I keep mine on a RAID quad-redundancy 32-bank hot-swappable SAN drive array, encased in titanium coated with lead and protected by two massive Maori armed guards 24/7. You can never be too careful.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-3790668319970164051?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-81338078639328313282010-04-02T12:24:00.005+08:002010-04-02T12:47:52.300+08:002010-04-02T12:47:52.300+08:00Egg-cellent question!<div>Q: Why do Christians give chocolate eggs during Easter?<br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S7V2reHyS8I/AAAAAAAAARE/chMobVuToms/s1600/colored-eggs.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455397012821396418" border="0" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S7V2reHyS8I/AAAAAAAAARE/chMobVuToms/s320/colored-eggs.jpg" /></a>A: Easter is a celebration of the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hence, the giving of an egg is a highly symbolic during this time, as eggs represent the testicles required to produce new life. In simpler times, eggs were given, yes, but basically anything round would do. Sometimes people would give passionfruits, golf balls, or even scotch eggs (one of my favourites).<br /><div><br />In medieval times, often men would even go so far as to give their actual testicles to each other. This was before it was understood that switching testicles would actually make a man completely infertile.<br /><br />You've probably heard the term "a shot to the pills", which refers to a swift kick to the testicles? Well, did you know that the Catholic church actually considered making <i>pills</i> the symbolic gift of Easter before coming up with the more palatable idea of the chocolate egg?<br /><br />For a couple of years there, people were exchanging bottles of Prosac, Xanax, and even Ecstacy -- until it was realised that Easter celebration had become a bunch of zonked out losers sitting around watching the curtains move slightly in the breeze and giggling.<br /><br />So be grateful for the Easter celebration we have now. Because it could just as easily consist of cutting your own balls off, getting f***ed up on pills, and throwing golf balls at each other.</div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-8133807863932831328?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-24347820975863115382010-03-13T02:22:00.005+08:002010-03-13T02:41:12.931+08:002010-03-13T02:41:12.931+08:00Ladies and gentlemen... Buckethead!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S5qJyFMDbMI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/DE19EnTr4K0/s1600-h/BucketHead.png"></a>Q: I know it's cliche but I'm putting together a list of all the things that I want to do before I die.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><br /></span><br />The thing is, I'm a terrible procrastinator and have already wasted 13 weeks making the list... please help.<br /><br /><br />A: I've got a counter-question: When are you going to die?<br /><br />I mean if you're dying of cancer or venereal disease complications in 1 week, lets try to keep your "bucket-list" a little realistic! We may not be adding "solve world hunger", or "write the best symphony the world has ever heard" if you're gonna keel over in less time it takes a tick to raise its young!<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S5qJyFMDbMI/AAAAAAAAAQ0/DE19EnTr4K0/s320/BucketHead.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5447818192737234114" style="float: right; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 187px; height: 252px; " /></span>Better we put things in there like... keep an empty bowel, so you don't shit the bed when you fade away... and hide (or disguise) your wanking cream - whether it be vaseline, KY or some sort of hand cream with soothing aloe - so your mom doesn't know you're such a horn-bag after you're dead<br /><br />If you've got a lifetime to live, then you can possibly hope to make the Guiness Book of World records (most likely with some lame stunt that becomes a record because no one is dumb enough to try it before), win a gold medal, or achieve that one thing that escapes most human beings before they die: shagging a supermodel.<br /><br />These types of concerns are exactly the reason most people don't commit suicide. If you had to achieve all this stuff before you did it, you'd never get the noose around your neck!<div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-2434782097586311538?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-70970378860187754852010-03-08T02:37:00.004+08:002010-03-08T03:32:25.083+08:002010-03-08T03:32:25.083+08:00Aussie Born and Bread<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S5P-7jcmDAI/AAAAAAAAAQs/HBFd0MMsjJs/s1600-h/n742302757_676204_5957.jpg"></a>Q: Hey Harv sup!!!<br /><br />Heres a curly one for you - what is the minimum time one must examine loaves of bread at the supermarket to ultimately find the loaf that has no holes in it and is not squashed. I would appreciate your answer because I feel my life could be better spent doing more important things!!!!!<br /><br />Thx Harv xxx<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S5P-7jcmDAI/AAAAAAAAAQs/HBFd0MMsjJs/s1600-h/n742302757_676204_5957.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S5P-7jcmDAI/AAAAAAAAAQs/HBFd0MMsjJs/s320/n742302757_676204_5957.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5445976673501973506" style="float: right; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px; " /></a>A: I would guess from your question that you are from Australia, as this is a major concern in your home country.<br /><br />When the fresh bread arrives at an Aussie supermarket, it has customers salivating more than Pavlov's dogs when they hear Santa's sleigh approaching. <div><br /></div><div>Even in non-peak times, it can resemble the cream puff stand at a 'Fight Obesity' Expo. <div><br />I read that bread-related crime in Australia is still on the rise, and in 2008 was 400% higher than any comparable country. The holes you mentioned in your question are usually bullet holes and stab marks from over-zealous shoppers.<br /><br />I had a cousin bludgeoned to death in an Australian supermarket over a packet of English Muffins and a bag of Damper.<br /><br />Hence, the best method for buying bread in Australia is to avoid it, and make your own.<br /><br />This problem does not occur to the same extent in other regions, but every system has it's issues:</div><div><ul><li>England: if two people approach the bread stand at the same time, they are usually caught in an infinite cycle, "no, after you, I insist" to each other over and over.</li><li>America: people don't use the bread stand at all. Instead they just stand nearby and loudly announce they need bread NOW and wait for someone in customer service to get it for them.</li><li>Europe: people don't have time to get their own bread, as they are too busy drinking, smoking, looking cool and having casual sex.</li><li>Asia: there is a stand in the supermarket that is clearly labelled "bread", but it is invariably stocked with rice.</li></ul><div>You've certainly raised a major issue, and I'm glad it had been brought to my readers' collective attention.</div></div></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-7097037886018775485?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-55258863429816733072010-03-01T23:06:00.008+08:002010-03-02T00:12:03.843+08:002010-03-02T00:12:03.843+08:00Breeding Frenzy<div>Q: Hi Harv, I noticed you don't talk too much about your private life, but I'm curious. Do you have any children?<br /><br />The reason I ask is I just got one and I don't like it at ALL! I'm actually surprised how much I hate the useless little putz. I haven't even named him yet, because all I can think of are derogatory names, like "re-gurge", "snot-flaps" and "ye-olde-blob-of-shit-piss-and-vomit".<br /><br /><br />A: How ironic, going from a question about death to a question about life!<br /><br />Dear reader, I couldn't disagree with you more. I've travelled the world and impregnated more women than I could possibly count, even if I used the antique abacus I keep under my pillow.<br /><br />Actually, you could say it's kind of a hobby of mine. I've impregnated every race, creed, religion and gender that you could possibly conceive of, and many times over each! One time I even impregnated a woman without her knowing about it. I don't want to publish the details and risk her getting wise to my ruse, but let's just say it involved a small cup, some tin-foil and a long piece of dental floss.<br /><br />The point is, I love children, and I have hundreds! In fact if there are any volunteers out there with a decent-sized womb and child bearing hips, I'm always up for another litter.<br /><br />Here's a pic of one of my many family get-togethers last year!<br /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 392px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5443684667321993890" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S4vaXPD3yqI/AAAAAAAAAQk/myuA9QFQRK0/s400/lots-of-babies.jpg" /></div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-5525886342981673307?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-43651246464178964802010-02-25T08:33:00.004+08:002010-02-25T08:49:26.167+08:002010-02-25T08:49:26.167+08:00A dead issueQ: I was just sitting around thinking about shagging corpses and it occurred to me there's a gap in my knowledge. What is the difference between a Necro<i>philiac</i> and a Necro<i>maniac</i>? And while we're at it, what the hell is a Necro<i>mancer</i>?!<div><br /></div><div>A: Well, dear reader, I am in the privelleged position of having a friend who is all of the above, so I'm somewhat of an expert on this issue!</div><div><br /></div><div>A necrophiliac is someone who is interested, or even obsessed, with corpses and death. </div><div><br /></div><div>A necromaniac takes the next step and finds himself sexually attracted to dead bodies. You may find such a person hanging out in cemeteries, exhuming corpses, picking the maggots off it, and perhaps grinding a bit of inanimate skeletal bone.</div><div><br /></div><div>Note that an early indication of necromania is an attraction to Gwynneth Paltrow.</div><div><br /></div><div>And a necromancer is all of the above, but more of a gentleman. He will usually take the corpse out for dinner, maybe a chick-flick or a nice museum trip (apparently corpses love Madame Tussaud's!) before taking it home to a bed scattered with rose petals, scented candles and romantic music. </div><div><br /></div><div>And pounding the shit out of that corpse till the twilight hours.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-4365124646417896480?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-62066813298511706922010-02-13T14:45:00.008+08:002010-02-13T15:30:15.337+08:002010-02-13T15:30:15.337+08:00Costume Tomfoolery<div style="text-align: left;">Q: What's that fetish called where the people dress up in costume and bang? Do you know anyone with this fetish?</div><br /><br />A: Well, dear reader, the name of the fetish varies with the type of costume.<br /><br />Here are a few examples:<br /><br /><i>Beastial-naughty:</i><br />Deriving enjoyment from wearing an animal costume that allows you to perform sexual acts without anyone knowing.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZQQpVrwkI/AAAAAAAAAQE/-FGHszHZfy0/s1600-h/imagessexy-2dcow-2dcostume-2d341x500.jpg"><img src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZQQpVrwkI/AAAAAAAAAQE/-FGHszHZfy0/s320/imagessexy-2dcow-2dcostume-2d341x500.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437621847001383490" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 218px; height: 320px; " /></a><div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZQQpVrwkI/AAAAAAAAAQE/-FGHszHZfy0/s1600-h/imagessexy-2dcow-2dcostume-2d341x500.jpg"></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><u><br /></u></span><i>Asdyxiation:</i><br />Being almost addicted to wearing costumes that contain one or several phalluses.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZTH0AbqLI/AAAAAAAAAQU/iUnjT3jJLz8/s1600-h/DickCostume.jpg"><img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZTH0AbqLI/AAAAAAAAAQU/iUnjT3jJLz8/s320/DickCostume.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437624993781098674" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 242px; height: 320px; " /></a></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><u><br /></u></span></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZTH0AbqLI/AAAAAAAAAQU/iUnjT3jJLz8/s1600-h/DickCostume.jpg"></a><i>Paedomasochism:</i><br />Being turned on by wearing a costume suggesting you like hurting babies.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZQlkmV-uI/AAAAAAAAAQM/gb8l8ydRwCs/s1600-h/child-labor-pains-costume.jpg"><img src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZQlkmV-uI/AAAAAAAAAQM/gb8l8ydRwCs/s320/child-labor-pains-costume.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5437622206506334946" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 240px; height: 320px; " /></a></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#0000EE;"><u><br /></u></span></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S3ZQlkmV-uI/AAAAAAAAAQM/gb8l8ydRwCs/s1600-h/child-labor-pains-costume.jpg"></a>And yes, dear reader, I unfortunately know people with every one of these fetishes!</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-6206681329851170692?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9192333493635420459.post-79506114468196052182010-02-06T15:16:00.007+08:002010-02-06T15:44:12.252+08:002010-02-06T15:44:12.252+08:00Be a gentleman, biyatch!Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry. <p class="MsoPlainText">How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?<br /><br /><br />A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.<br /><br />The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".<br /><br />And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=263798380665"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 170px; height: 301px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z9R96066Des/S20dWJJh_XI/AAAAAAAAAPk/f_HGowW17JE/s320/photo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435032591556279666" border="0" /></a>It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.<br /><br />Or, even better, an actual rock star called <a href="http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=263798380665">RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND</a>, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.<br /><br />Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?</p><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/9192333493635420459-7950611446819605218?l=www.askharv.info' alt='' /></div>Harvhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00325517424077186816noreply@blogger.com0