It's in the game

Q: What should you do if the person you are having an affair with gets cross because you don't text him during his girlfriend weekends about your computer problems but then fails to respond to a text asking who a person on facebook is during a girlfriend weekend? Aren't they both as impersonal as the other? Especially since computer issues imply fixing which imply a home visit?

A: Your situation is so complex even I am not sure if I understand the question properly! Is this guy your boyfriend, or your IT support technician?

However, assuming the former, you've given me enough to go on to suggest your next move. You're obviously in a game-playing relationship, so play some games, girl! Mess with him a little! Get with the program!

Here are some fun suggestions:

• Invite him over for coffee and then drink a coffee in front of him and ask him to leave.
• Let yourself into his house and slightly move every object on his desk.
• Have sex with his mail-man and never tell him about it.
• Tell him he got you pregnant, then hold up a deformed, blood-stained coat hanger and sob uncontrollably.

I've got more, but I'm saving them for my ex-girlfriend Veronica.

Yes, Veronica, you've got it coming.

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Flawed fling

Q: I am currently enjoying an illicit affair with a very cocky 22 year old who currently has a girlfriend.

Cocky 22 constantly makes remarks such as 'it wouldn't be ok with me if you were seeing someone else' etc etc. This gives me the idea that he wants more. These comments have been going on for weeks. I eventually responded in kind by saying that I like the 'idea' of us being exclusive. He responded to this by saying he's not breaking up with his girlfriend anytime soon and promptly removed his arms from me.

Why?

A: English philosopher Phil Collins (not the singer) once said privately to his wife: relationships should be enjoyed for their flaws, even more so than their successes.

This is very fortunate for you, as this sounds like one of the most flawed relationships I have come across -- there's another woman, he's cocky and evasive, he wants hypocritical terms.

Phil would find plenty to enjoy there!

Did I miss something? Perhaps we are all dead and he is the last man left on the planet?

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Egg-straordinary relationship!

Q: My girlfriend came home smelling like eggs last night - I'm in two minds whether to confront her about it. What do you suggest?

A: This is a concern, and one that you would be foolish to overlook.

If your girlfriend is, indeed, having a relationship with an egg, that implies that she has come to find eggs more sexually attractive than you. This would be considered a low point in any relationship by even the top therapists.

I suggest you take it one step at a time. Subtly tempt her away from dairy by rubbing fresh steak on her face while she sleeps. She'll wake up craving red meat and will not understand why.

From there, it is an easy step to rub your own meat on her face while she sleeps until she craves it again like she did when you first got together.

PS: if the steak doesn't take immediately, try starting with fresh fish.

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