Feline facial fallacy

Q: I recently had cosmetic surgery to reconstruct a dramatically sunken jawbone. The surgery went well and I'm very happy with my new chin.

But now, suddenly, my cat, Mr. Tinkles, appears to hate me.

He screws up his face when I pet him, keeps urinating on my laundry and will often cross to the other side of the yard when I come outside to sunbake. Sometimes I suspect he is trying to kill me.

I'm at a loss! Should I get my chin changed back?

A: Yes, I'm afraid the only option - if you love you Mr. Tinkles, as you claim - is to change your chin back to its previous semi-deformed state.

Cats imprint on their owners, much like ducklings or platypus elders, and once this imprinting is complete, it cannot be undone or re-taught.

Mr Tinkles memorised the appearance of his food source long ago, and now you've put him in the uncomfrotable position of living with some weird stranger in the house, waiting until his real owner returns to resume their symbiotic relationship. To be honest, you're lucky he's only peeing on your clothes and witholding affection - he's just as likely to claw your face into red flesh-ribbons during the night.

Choice time, kiddo. It's either your own vanity, or the love of your feline companion. Make your choice.

PS: If you're having trouble funding the cosmetic reversal, may I suggest going to bar, approaching the toughest guy in the place, and calling him a flaming homosexual. He will gladly perform the corrective surgery you need free of charge, albeit with a marked lack of precision.

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Tipsy tomfoolery

Q: Its 2am and I is pissed. Everyone else is sleeping in bed and I feel a need to comment on peoples latest Facebook status. Should I just go to bed or get another drink??

A: If you're drunk, commenting on peoples' Facebook status can be hours of fun.

However, I've found, after a nice bottle of Pinot, tagging photos with incorrect information is far more rewarding.

For instance, my attractive female friend once posted a sexy photo of herself, in which you could clearly see her nipple through her blouse. I immediately tagged the nipple with the name of an extremely conservative Facebook friend. I could imagine his surprise when he opened up his Facebook in the morning and saw that his name was attached to a nipple! Haha!

When I found out he had been out of town and offline for 2 weeks and had given his wife access to his account in his absence, I was, naturally, quite surprised. I was also surprised to learn that they had become divorced and were arguing over custody of their 7 children (in the end they got half each, which was painful for the middle child).

So, in answer to your question, go to bed and never give your wife access to your Facebook account.

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Love leper

Q: Hi - how should a 33 year old single mother go about picking up some weekly casual cuddling/sex?

A: You present your question as if your age and situation are disadvantages. Perhaps in a vast majority of male eyes they are, but let me tell you from experience that there is someone for everyone out there.

I once met an extremely obese girl who was virtually swimming in offers for sex, relationships and even marriage.

Personally, I found her appearance - with her metal-shop-teacher arms, papier-mâché midriff and seventeen-point-two chins - distasteful, repugnant and nauseating, so I asked her out of curiosity how she did it. She said she had simply found a website that offered to hook up freakish male fetishists with the chubby funsters they craved.

Sadly, she is no longer with us, as one of her suitors turned out to be a serial killer who liked to take the fat from overweight women and deep-fry their eyeballs in it.

Not to worry, though - the internet is a great and fun way to turn what you see as disadvantages into advantages. Because, cliched as it sounds, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

If all else fails, I have a one-legged, mentally-retarded, midget half-brother called Norkie who's hard-pressed for a date. He's does have a horrifically vicious violent streak, but would be much more grateful for the attention than a "normal" guy. His penis seems to function fine when he rubs warm wasabe all over his body and masturbates like a wild orang utan.

We keep him confined to a padded room in my sister's basement, but we could set up a foam table with plastic wine glasses and cutlery for a nice candlelit dinner. Actually scratch the candles, as the sight of fire sometimes makes him scream incessantly for weeks.

Worth some thought in a pinch.

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Barfnie

Q: I was drinking booze with my stupid friend the other day when he slightly vomited on the crotch of his pants, giggled and then said, "Barfnie.." before passing out. I then rolled him into the gutter and waited for the garbagemen to collect the trash.

What does "Barfnie" mean? It's puzzled me ever since..

A: I very rarely have to research my answers before I post (in fact I actively avoid research, as it can only serve to corrupt the purity of knowledge I have amassed first-hand over the years), but I must admit this one befuddled me a little.

Of course, I needn't have worried, as it turns out "barfnie" is not the only word in the English language that I am unaware of. It's simply not a word at all, in any language, anywhere in the world.

Google turns up only 45 results, which consist mainly of a combination of the English slang "barf", which means to vomit, and the German "nie" which simply means not. Perhaps your friend lapsed into German language before passing out.

It's not as silly as it sounds. There are many instances in history of people spontaniously speaking a language they have never learned in cases of extreme brain trauma or an intake of copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs. In Medieval times, this was often interpreted as speaking in tongues, which was an indication of demonic possession.

I'd suggest lots of asprin, a quick bloodletting, and an exorcism in the morning.

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Be alert, we need more lerts.

Q: Why do I hate being prompted, but not mind so much being alerted? They're almost the same thing aren't they?

A: The human brain's capacity to process multiple simultaneous inputs varies from person to person. How the brain interprets each input and converts it to rational thoughts, images and sounds is something that has boggled science for years.

I am the only person in the world today to have studied and understood it thoroughly, and am in the process of writing a nobel-prize-contending journal on the subject. Unfortunately, that means I cannot reveal too much of the contents here.

I can say this, though: I hate both alerts and prompts equally. Prompts are so needy and alerts are so alarmist, that I cannot stand either one. So each to their own, eh?

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Prunes and prejudice

Q: What is it about your generation? Always slagging off at the expense of older people or children. Do you put this down to self obsession, pathological insecurity or blind prejudice? Or is there some other explanation?

A: Firstly, let me say, for the record, my answers are all based on scientific fact and the only prejudices they contain are slanted toward perfect truth.

However, I did have a problem with this several years ago and actually saw several therapists about it. Eventually, they tracked down the problem to a mild form of Terets Syndrome, which is best known as the brain disorder that causes people call out swear words and obscenities involuntarily. Phrases such as "whooop! F***K", "RapeMaggot" or "HickoryDickoryC***k" are often called out with no cause or warning.

In my case, the disorder was very WHIPPERSNAPPER mild (kind of a 24-hour-thing that lasted 5 years), and caused a very slight intolerance of people outside my generational age-bracket.

One doctor ironically noted that, if the disorder had escalated, I would have lived into old age with an involuntary self-loathing which would have resulted in me sitting in my LONGJOHN rocking chair on my porch hurling insults at myself and probably sobbing at the sting of my own wit.

It was a call to action that I did not ignore, let me tell you!

Hence, it has completely cleared up now, thank God, and hasn't manifested itself for several OLDFART years.

So maybe just pour yourself a cup of warm cocoa, eat some warm porridge with DANGLYBALLS prunes, put your travel rug over your knees, and sip a port pipe, old timer. Best of luck for your morning bowel movement.

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Olds dogs, new tech

Q: My folks are in their 80s and want to know all about computers. How to use them etc etc,,, Problem is they are both very impatient and still call the radio the wireless, still use the outside toilet, hot waterbottles and kerosine heating. What is the best way to teach them?

A: You simply need to find a way to communicate to them without confusing them with modern terminology.

For instance, you should refer to a keyboard as a typewriter. Call the monitor a television. The mouse is ok as a mouse, but paint some whiskers on it and pretend to feed it some cheese. And the CPU probably shouldn't rate a mention at all. Just call it the black box if you have to refer to it. If it's not black, paint it.

Remember, your folks are old, so medical research has shown us they are vulnerable to anneurisms and heart attacks if they are overloaded with new information. The saying you can't teach a dog new tricks is not quite correct -- it should say you can't teach an old dog new tricks without risking severe brain malfunction and corrective neurosurgery.

I had a friend who tried to teach his parents to use a computer and ended up slashing his entire family to death with a machete. Which was weird because he only tried for twenty minutes. He may have had issues with them already.

Either way, best of luck, you tread a treacherous path. Godspeed!

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For crying out loud!

Q: What's the most tactful way to tell a baby to shut the f**k up?

A: Babies respond to soft rhythmic words, with generous helpings of rhyming, asonance and illiteration. Words such as "mama" "dada" or "diggy-diggy-goo-goo" are music to a baby's ears.

While "shut the f**k up" has strong asonance and a snappy rhythm, I think we can do better.

I would suggest, instead of going with a witty line such as "hey babio, how about you cry me a big bag of shut the f**k up?", you try to make it more conducive to a baby's sensibilities. Try "coo-coo-bippidy-boo-shut-the-f**ky-wucky-uppy-wuppy". Maybe cover and uncover your eyes in a peeky-boo gesture for added effect.

If the baby won't shush immediately with lines like that, note that there's a fairly painless elective surgery that one can get to remove a baby's voicebox. Remember, the baby is the one being unreasonable here, not you.

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This question is a mite weighty!

Q: How many dust mites in a kilo? Do female dust mites (non pregnant) weigh more than males? How much methane is in a dust mite fart?

A: For a minute there, I thought you were going to ask me which weighed more, a kilo of dust mites or a kilo of feathers!

Believe it or not, reader, I'm a bit of a dust mite fanatic myself! It's an amazing creature which has made it through the ages without evolving significantly, or selling out and becoming cute to parasitically prey on other species' sympathies, like puppies or human babies. No, your dust mite is ugly, angry and inexplicably proud of it, much like Beyonce's Sascha Fierce.

There is, indeed, a fairly slanderous rumour going around that female dust mites are heavier than males. There is no science behind the rumour, and I believe it was started by anti-dust-mite movements to discredit female dust mites and cause them to diet excessively, possibly even into starvation. I even saw a new magazine on the stands the other day called Cos-mite-politan, which is cover-to-cover with unrealistic body-images for female dust mites. I'm not one for causes, but this has to stop.

Admittedly, female dust mites do carry the burden of excessively large genitals, but this is offset by the fact that their heads are marketly smaller that males.

As for the weight of a dust mite, that can vary significantly from region to region. If you've ever heard the myth that dead dust mites and their fecal matter can double the weight of your mattress or pillow after just one year of use, then you've probably heard it immediately dismissed by scientists and medical professionals as fanciful fiction.

Well, evidently those scientists and medical professionals have never been to Venezuela, where the average dust mite weighs in excess of 1E-14 milligrams, which is a lot for a dust mite, believe me! Not only can dust mites that heavy contribute to a significant portion of the weight of a pillow over time, eventually, they can BECOME the pillow.

And interestingly, dust mites can't fart.

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Cloning around!

Q: I recently downloaded an article about cloning, and, during some basic experiments to verify the information, managed to clone my brother from a pubic hair I found under the toilet seat.

I know I can't keep him, Mum would FREAK! But what do I do? Is it ok to kill him, or is that technically murder?

Plus, wouldn't a clone made from a pubic hair naturally turn out a little twitchy?

A: Well it sounds like someone is not going to flunk high school science class!

But before we spend too much time patting you on the back, kiddo, lets acknowledge that scientists generally don't admit to the public is how easy cloning really is. In truth, it's completely possible to create a clone from a flake of skin, a box of corn flakes and a steam iron. The powers-that-be create the illusion of complexity to discourage the average Joe from attempting to clone, because of the obvious moral issues that arise.

One such issue you seem to have run into. What happens when you get bored with the clone and want to incinerate it? Is it ok to burn the clone on a pyre, or see how many times you can twist it's head around before it comes right off?

I would imagine your conundrum is magnified by the fact that the clone looks exactly like your brother (with slightly curlier hair, of course) and is likely begging for its life, crying, whimpering and clutching at your ankles.

But fear not, there is nothing wrong with disposing of your clone in any way you choose. You created it, so you can destroy it; it's that simple. In fact, clones typically turn out to be quite evil, or at least slightly creepy (think bad twins in an 80's horror movie) and exterminating them is a service to humankind.

And yes, a clone made from a pubic hair would most likely turn out to be a little twitchy, just as a clone created from penis tissue would turn out to be horny or a clone made from ass skin would have serious B.O. problems. However, these anomalies are easily controlled or regulated in most cases.

Just never create a clone from eyeball fluid, or you might end up with a massive cycloptic orang-utan named Blinky Bill who will not, not matter how many times you ask, leave your Playstation alone.

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Brick a broke

Q: How does one throw a brick through a window without making any noise?

A: Seems there are foul deeds afoot! However, like a nuclear arms manufacturer or the tabacco industry, it's not my place to presuppose the intent of my customers -- it's entirely possible you have a legitimate reason for wanting to throw a brick through a window.

It could be for a hollywood stunt, for instance. Or perhaps you really need to have a brick inside your house, but for some innocent reason don't have easy access to the interior of the house. Maybe the brick forgot its keys and you're just helping it out.

Either way, very sensitive of you to not want to disturb the neighbours with the raucous sound of shattering glass!

One needs only a basic knowledge of the physics of sound in order to answer your question. Sound is caused by tiny particles vibrating and disturbing the particles on either side of it. Eventually some of these distrurbed particles knock against our eardrums, which our brain processes as sound.

However, there is a phenomenon called noise cancellation. You may have heard of this in reference to noise-cancelling headphones. This is the process of generating a sound that has the inverse wave of another sound. At the midpoint of two identical sounds, the movements in the particles cancel each other out, and the human ear can no longer detect that any sound was issued -- eventhough it's really two identical sounds being issued simultaneously from an equal distance!

So all you need to do is convince a friend (who, ideally has identical size weight and proportions to you) to throw an identical brick through an identical window, in exactly the same manner, at exactly the same moment, and at exactly the same distance from the location at which you would like to keep the breaking glass inaudible.

Simple, isn't it?

Sure, it may mean losing two windows instead of one, but your neighbours will have a solid night's sleep.

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It's in the game

Q: What should you do if the person you are having an affair with gets cross because you don't text him during his girlfriend weekends about your computer problems but then fails to respond to a text asking who a person on facebook is during a girlfriend weekend? Aren't they both as impersonal as the other? Especially since computer issues imply fixing which imply a home visit?

A: Your situation is so complex even I am not sure if I understand the question properly! Is this guy your boyfriend, or your IT support technician?

However, assuming the former, you've given me enough to go on to suggest your next move. You're obviously in a game-playing relationship, so play some games, girl! Mess with him a little! Get with the program!

Here are some fun suggestions:

• Invite him over for coffee and then drink a coffee in front of him and ask him to leave.
• Let yourself into his house and slightly move every object on his desk.
• Have sex with his mail-man and never tell him about it.
• Tell him he got you pregnant, then hold up a deformed, blood-stained coat hanger and sob uncontrollably.

I've got more, but I'm saving them for my ex-girlfriend Veronica.

Yes, Veronica, you've got it coming.

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Another critic!

Q: What makes you think you've got all the answers Jackass? Why should anyone take any advice from someone who probably just sits at home sniggering uncontollably at the laptop and whacking off to "Big Butts and Pigtails Volume 7: Anal Birthday"?

A: Another critic.

Hey, Mr Negativity, why don't you start up your own Q&A site if you think this one is so bad? Oh, what's that? Huh? Oh... you're not... you're not going to? Oh, is that right? And why... why is that, exactly? Oh, because you're a mentally retarded hermaphrodite who breast fed until he was 32 years old? Oh, and what? And you pee your pants on the hour!? Oh, I see. Wow, interesting!

Now go see if Mummy can make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

PS: I've never seen ANY movie in the "Big Butts and Pigtails" series, especially "Volume 7: Anal Birthday", so the joke's on you, Popsy!

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This funeral blows

Q: Recently I was at a funeral and I saw my mate's brother walk up to the funeral director and exclaim, "Hey rev, if this doesn't give you the heebee-jeebies what would, ay?"

I found this very funny and had to pinch myself to keep from giggling uproariously, which would have been inappropriate at such a sobre occasion.

But it got me thinking; does it have to be this way? Is there a respectful way to have a funeral service that's more enjoyable than the average mourn-fest?

A: Firstly, condolences on the passing of your friend.

Different cultures have their own approach to funerals, many of which are much more lighthearted than the traditional western ceremony.

My personal favourite is held by elders of the Kuki tribe in Manipur, India. The sombre but undeniably irreverend ceremony involves gathering in a large tent, feasting on various curries, beans and spoiled fruits, then attempting to produce a deep, resonating, unified flatulence in honour of the deceased.

If enough elders are present, they can often sustain the cluster-fart for 15-20 minutes, which is an aural treat, let me tell you. The idea is to keep from passing out from the smell, laughing from the humour, vomitting, or soiling one's pants while the fart is ongoing.

The longer the fart goes for, the better chance the deceased has of passing on to the next world. The sound is also considered to be soothing to help the soul remain at rest for eternity.

But yes, you are correct, there is no reason a funeral can't be a little more entertaining. If you feel strongly about it, write it into your will and your relatives will be forced to obey your last wishes!

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