Olds dogs, new tech

Q: My folks are in their 80s and want to know all about computers. How to use them etc etc,,, Problem is they are both very impatient and still call the radio the wireless, still use the outside toilet, hot waterbottles and kerosine heating. What is the best way to teach them?

A: You simply need to find a way to communicate to them without confusing them with modern terminology.

For instance, you should refer to a keyboard as a typewriter. Call the monitor a television. The mouse is ok as a mouse, but paint some whiskers on it and pretend to feed it some cheese. And the CPU probably shouldn't rate a mention at all. Just call it the black box if you have to refer to it. If it's not black, paint it.

Remember, your folks are old, so medical research has shown us they are vulnerable to anneurisms and heart attacks if they are overloaded with new information. The saying you can't teach a dog new tricks is not quite correct -- it should say you can't teach an old dog new tricks without risking severe brain malfunction and corrective neurosurgery.

I had a friend who tried to teach his parents to use a computer and ended up slashing his entire family to death with a machete. Which was weird because he only tried for twenty minutes. He may have had issues with them already.

Either way, best of luck, you tread a treacherous path. Godspeed!