Note-worthy Question!

Q: Hello Harv, I am in Pilippines now. My probins Leyte.

I ask why I can never find 200 piso notes here in my country? Why make note but not use? I like green color.

Tnx po, love AskHarv website!

A: Interesting question, dear reader! I have been unable to get accurate information on exactly how many 200 peso notes there are currently in circulation, which means it probably does not exist, but I can answer why the note was created and then subsequently not included in further print-runs.

Once officials released the commemorative note in 2002, it was quickly discovered that it drastically reduced the amount of bribe revenue coming in to police and government officials, as it provided an alternative denomination to the previously well-established and convenient bribe-standard, the p500 note.

This caused many corrupt officials to be unable to feed their families and led to threats of industrial action and work-stoppages.

Interestingly, the government is now considering phasing out the p500 and replacing it with a p720 banknote to boost bribe revenue again.

There is already a design proposed for the new note:

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The Butterfly Suspect

Q: How the hell can a butterfly flapping it's wings start a hurricane???!

A: Even though I always liked the theory of the butterfly effect as it pertains to chaos theory and theoretical time travel, the reality of it appeared to be much less enthralling.

I was fortunate enough to spend several years in Brazil, and spent most of my time with a tribe of sweaty, caniballistic descendants of the Tupinambá tribe, conducting experiments to investigate Lorenz's famous theory. We captured several million butterflies over the course of several years and couldn't even get one to so much as move a blade of grass, or scare an old lady on her death-bed, let alone disturb weather patterns in a distant country. It's actually amazing how lame and powerless butterflies are!

Truth be told, all we did was prove that the odds of a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil and causing a Tornado in Texas are several quadrillions to one.

Time went by, but I never quite forgot about the butterfly effect. One morning earlier this year I awoke in a cold sweat from a dream which depicted giant butterflies attacking tribal villagers with chainsaws and I realised I had to resolve the issue.

I tracked down Lorenz, and, completely unannounced, visited him in his small, but well-guarded, Swiss chalet. When he opened the door, I asked almost exactly the question you dropped into my inbox, dear reader, with a couple of extra expletives added in for dramatic effect.

Lorenz studied me for a long time, scratching his stupid spotted nose with one hand and patting his shiny bald forehead with the other. Then he said, "fine", dragged me inside by my lapels, grabbed a butterfly from his in-house enclosure and took me to his time-travel room.

We went back to the dawn of time. Lorenz exited the time machine, and before I could even start to think about the wonderous prehistoric world before me, he let the butterfly go, stepped back inside and took us both back to 2009.

Well you could knock me over with a feather (that does not relate to the theory!). The recalcitrant twatt had caused the current global economic cirsis. Yes, that's right, before we got into that confounded time machine, everyone was happy and rich, and humanity had finally found a perfect harmony with nature.

And everyone was getting laid.

Thanks very much, Lorenz! Must be a real joy to be right!

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Close Encounters of the Wrong Kind

Q: Does extra terrestrial life exist ? Have you had any encounters ? is it possible for humans to breed with ET's ?


A: This is a bit of a sensitive question. I've been instructed not to talk about this issue by so many governemnts that I've completely lost count!

But let me just say this... Yes, humans can breed with aliens... and they like to spoon.

Screw you United Nations!

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For crying out loud!

Q: What's the most tactful way to tell a baby to shut the f**k up?

A: Babies respond to soft rhythmic words, with generous helpings of rhyming, asonance and illiteration. Words such as "mama" "dada" or "diggy-diggy-goo-goo" are music to a baby's ears.

While "shut the f**k up" has strong asonance and a snappy rhythm, I think we can do better.

I would suggest, instead of going with a witty line such as "hey babio, how about you cry me a big bag of shut the f**k up?", you try to make it more conducive to a baby's sensibilities. Try "coo-coo-bippidy-boo-shut-the-f**ky-wucky-uppy-wuppy". Maybe cover and uncover your eyes in a peeky-boo gesture for added effect.

If the baby won't shush immediately with lines like that, note that there's a fairly painless elective surgery that one can get to remove a baby's voicebox. Remember, the baby is the one being unreasonable here, not you.

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Cloning around!

Q: I recently downloaded an article about cloning, and, during some basic experiments to verify the information, managed to clone my brother from a pubic hair I found under the toilet seat.

I know I can't keep him, Mum would FREAK! But what do I do? Is it ok to kill him, or is that technically murder?

Plus, wouldn't a clone made from a pubic hair naturally turn out a little twitchy?

A: Well it sounds like someone is not going to flunk high school science class!

But before we spend too much time patting you on the back, kiddo, lets acknowledge that scientists generally don't admit to the public is how easy cloning really is. In truth, it's completely possible to create a clone from a flake of skin, a box of corn flakes and a steam iron. The powers-that-be create the illusion of complexity to discourage the average Joe from attempting to clone, because of the obvious moral issues that arise.

One such issue you seem to have run into. What happens when you get bored with the clone and want to incinerate it? Is it ok to burn the clone on a pyre, or see how many times you can twist it's head around before it comes right off?

I would imagine your conundrum is magnified by the fact that the clone looks exactly like your brother (with slightly curlier hair, of course) and is likely begging for its life, crying, whimpering and clutching at your ankles.

But fear not, there is nothing wrong with disposing of your clone in any way you choose. You created it, so you can destroy it; it's that simple. In fact, clones typically turn out to be quite evil, or at least slightly creepy (think bad twins in an 80's horror movie) and exterminating them is a service to humankind.

And yes, a clone made from a pubic hair would most likely turn out to be a little twitchy, just as a clone created from penis tissue would turn out to be horny or a clone made from ass skin would have serious B.O. problems. However, these anomalies are easily controlled or regulated in most cases.

Just never create a clone from eyeball fluid, or you might end up with a massive cycloptic orang-utan named Blinky Bill who will not, not matter how many times you ask, leave your Playstation alone.

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