Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Et tu, Jacko?

Q: Is the recent death of the "King of Pop" a publicty stunt or has Michael Jackson really died? Whats your thoughts on the life and times of Michael Jackson?

A: I think, like many others, I don't want to believe that old MJ is dead. Which is fortunate, because I genuinely don't.

Come on, Jacko is just another in a long string of faked celebrity deaths. Maralyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, James Dean, Michael Hutchence, Lindsay Lohan (let me dream)...  the list goes on and on.

A faked death is a celebrity's equivalent to a well-worded letter of resignation. Since a celebrity's boss is essentially the public, a faked death is simply formal notification of intent to resign.

Micky-Jay is probably relaxing on his ranch somewhere, sipping a cocktail with Macauley Culkin, Bubbles the chimp, and the bones of the Elephant Man.

He will certainly be missed, as his contribution to music and pop culture during his tragically shortened career has been tremendous. I still remember nude table-top dancing to "Bad" in an attempt to impress a pretty girl at my local watering hole one night. It didn't work and the bouncers saw fit to beat me within an inch of my life before handing me over to the local authorities... but nevertheless... good times...

As an aside, it was recently discovered that all celebrities (except Paris Hilton, who doesn't count as a person, let a alone celebrity -- seriously, check the US census results, she's not on there) share a particular "faulty" chromosome. This so-called "Z-chromosome" is the one responsible for the wild charisma that attracts others to them, but comes at the cost of sanity, humility and a susceptibility to Scientology.

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Entymological ASS-istance!

Q: Where does the word 'ass' come from? I know it means a donkey but how does a donkey and someone's rear-end relate?

And why do english people say 'arse'?

A: As a big fan of etymology, diction, parlance and nomenclature, I was very excited to receive your question, dear reader. I have many times pondered and researched this very question!

The word "ass" was originally an acronym for "Anally Sensitive Spasmoid", which was a popular insult during the early 1700s. For the sake of brevity, this isult eventually transmorphosed into the abbreviation "ass".

Interestingly, there was a rare disease going around that was spread by donkey meat (considered a delicacy at the time, and used in many stews, steaks & muffins), not unlike our recent outbreaks of mad cow, bird flu or, more recently, swine flu. An afflicted donkey's nervous system would be degraded over time, to the point where the poor creature would begin to twitch and fart uncontrollably, eventually resulting in total bowel failure, drooling, and excessive winking. The symptoms of the disease so closely matched the description "anally sensitive spasmoid" that the word donkey and ass became synonymous.

Once the disease died out and became little more than a agricultural historical footnote, the original anagram lost its meaning and became the word we know and love today.

English people say "arse" in order to sound superior. I suspect it doesn't matter how many countries decide to use the term "ass", England will always insist on their alternative spelling.

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A bit of a downer

Q: How can you make a guy go down on you? Or better yet, if you've been down on him how do you ask why he hasn't on you? And prepare yourself for a brutal answer?

A: In caveman times, women would simply grab a male by the ears, position his head, and then slowly begin to twist. Eventually the man would yeild in the face of having his ears torn off.

Granted, this typically occurred after the male had slammed the female over the head with a makeshift hammer (usually a coconut attached to the end of a stick) and raped her repeatedly.

Things were tough in caveman times, but remarkably simple.

The modern equivalent of this would be to hold back from cooking your man a meal, or washing his clothes, until he has given you the oral sex you require. Soon his washing basket will begin to overflow and his stomach will begin to rumble, and he will instigate radical behaviour modification in an effort to change the outcomes.

Once he stumbles across the answer - oral sex = food & washing done - he will be going down on you at every opportunity.

Trust me, talk is overated.

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Friday, June 26, 2009

A dying breed

Q: As you probably know, few endagered species are threatened as seriously as the wobble-nosed mungbat from Northern Russia. I just returned from a 14 year field trip studying the mungbat with my wife and the experience has changed us at a fundamental level.

I wondered perhaps if you might post this to raise awareness of the poor mungbat's plight and perhaps fill in your readers on what makes this special little creature, well... special.

A: Yes, I am well aware of the plight of the poor wobble-nosed mungbat. It is, however, from Central Russia, not the north.

I have actually been privellaged enough to cradle one of the last remaining half-dozen or so mungbats in my arms, crying openly like a child with no gifts on Christmas day, wailing and moaning over the dying creature's seemingly inevitable fate.

When I was subsequently informed that the mungbats are highly allergic to human tears, and that I had inadvertantly dripped a few onto the mungbat's skin, infecting the tiny creature with an incurable flesh-eating skin disease, my sorrow only deepened.

For those that don't know, the wobble-nosed mungbat is a rare species of mammal whose stool is believed to be one of the most resilient substances on Earth. Once a mungbat drops off a brown boy at the pool, the stool will not decompose, bend, or change texture without complex molecular coersion. This stool can be fashioned into stylish furniture, tools, or even complex machinery that will effectively last forever.

Once the last mungbat dies, so will our best chance at creating a renewable, sustainable society.

Plus, they're just so cute... so, please, readers... help save the wobble-nosed mungbat!

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Harv vs Reader

Q: Most other 'advice' websites tend to enlist the help of individual specialists, depending on the topic being discussed - is it arrogance or do you trully believe you have the best possible answers to all the questions being asked here?

A: We have a cynic!

To answer your question, not only do I truly believe I have the best answers to every possible question that could be thrown at me, I also believe I have a calling to help people in the challenges they face in life.

Previously, I thought this calling was to be a self-appointed health and safety expert at my local supermarket, where I would seek out spoiled cheese, old vegetables and other spoiled produce, and shout frantically at customers who looked like they were considering buying one. But that calling turned out to involve jail time, so I started AskHarv instead.

Or to quote my grandfather, who was possibly the only man ever to live who was smarter than myself "I've never been wrong in my life. Well, once I thought I was, but I was wrong."

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Shark vs Cheetah

Q: What's faster - a cheetah or a shark?

A: I'm guessing you know this is a trick question, dear reader.

If a cheetah were to race a shark on land, the shark would lose because it could do little more than flop around spastically on the ground like a dying goldfish.

Put a cheetah in water, however, and it would presumably attempt an ironic doggy paddle for about 6 seconds before being torn limb from limb by the shark. The shark would then be able to win the race at any leisurely speed it likes, as a dead cheetah in water is reliant on tides and currents to cover any distance at all.

However, if they are both loaded into the luggage bay of an F14 Tomcat (a situation I saw more often that I would like during the Gulf war, where they used cheetahs as impact triggers on their neutron bombs), they both travel at exactly the same speed.

And if they are playing Texas Hold 'em, it depends. Is the shark a better shark than the cheetah is at cheating?

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Are we doing it yet?

Q: What should one do if a penis is too small to be felt in the vagina during intercourse but is otherwise quite pleasant and easy to perform oral sex and handjobs on?

A: Now, Veronica, I thought I asked you nicely not to email in about our personal lives.

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Kin-KY sex!

Q: How does one deal with hemorrhoids during anal sex?

A: When I started AskHarv, I anticipated all sorts of questions, from metaphysical musings about the nature of the universe, to personal queries about the nature of relationships.

However, I must admit, I never anticipated this particular inquiry would ever come across my desk, dear reader.

Now, to the question at hand! I would suggest a rather radical and possibly unconsidered approach to this particular problem: don't mix the two. If you have hemorrhoids, do not engage in anal sex. And conversely, if you are engaging in anal sex, perhaps a quick check that you don't have massive hemorrhoids would be in order.

And if you must have both of these things simultaneously, I'll give you the same suggestion I give to many sexual problems that come my way: lots of KY.

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

What's in an insult?

Q: Why can African Americans call each other 'n*****', while a white man would get his eyes cut out?


If I call my friend (who happens to be white like myself) - '****', I really have no objection to a black man calling him the same.

A: I'm sure there are names that someone could call you that would cause offense. What about "urine-cheeks", or "flubber-flub-flub"? What if I called you "baby-pus", or "no-pants-man"? What if you had haemorroids and I kept going "Hey, 'roids, how are those 'roids going, 'roid-man?"

The specific word you asked about has a history going back to before the Big Bang, when God used to use it as a derogatory name for black holes.

I would suggest sticking to more conventional insults, such as "Pup-rape", "Pocky-man", or "F**k-Berry".

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Answering the Bone-A-Phone

Q: I am a chronic masturbator.

Help.

A: Well, dear reader, when I decide to "Charm the Cobra", I like to start by lighting a few scented candles, running a bath, and lathering up my whole body with aromatic oils, lavendar and aloe. I take it slow and really romance myself, as this hightens the pleasure later when I get to the business end of the night.

Try laying down a few rose petals or fitting your bed with satin sheets. I find pastel-coloured velvet on the walls helps immensely.

But most of all, lubricate well, or you'll get choad-chafing, and will have to wait for it to heal before you can do it all over again.

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IQ Q&A

Q: Dear Mr Harv, have you eva had your IQ took? I bet it's reel high!!!

A: Higher than you can likely count, dear reader.

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In LAYman's terms...

Q: Professor Harv, what came first, the chicken or the egg ?

A: Firstly, let me just say you can drop the "professor"; we're all peers on AskHarv (albeit some of us are peers with an intelligence that surpasses his readers').

As for the age-old question regarding the chicken or the egg, the answer is simpler than you might think.

All life-forms on this planet were originally sent down from space in small egg-shaped capsules, from a distant planet called Galaxatron where they were constructed on one of the planet's many production lines. To the Galaxatronics, these "life-forms" are considered household appliances, with no more importance than a toaster has to us.

The factories on Galaxatron have a 0.000000062% rate of product failure, and anything that the QA team detects as faulty is ejected into space. Sometimes these faulty products end up crashing into Earth and the resulting product starts an entirely new species.

So it's the chicken.

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Female form-ula

Q: What is it about the female form that drives men crazy?

I have $50K to spend on reconstruction and I want to use my money wisely.

A: Since your sign off is a non-gender-specific name, I am unable to determine if you are contemplating a sex change, or just enhancement surgery.

Either way, if you want to drive men crazy, the same principals apply. Start with the breasts. Men really like breasts. Often men will tell you they like buttocks, but the truth is they only like buttocks because they look like breasts and are confusing them. The truth is, anthropologically speaking, men are programmed to look for traits that uniquely identify a potential mating partner as the opposite sex. Breasts are the best indication of this, as the only men who have breasts are extremely overweight and can be immediately ruled out as sexual partners. Plus, these are often easily identified as moobs (man-boobs) and not those exquisite, baby-feeding love-humps on a woman's chest known as breasts.

I can tell you this, though: one thing that does NOT drive men crazy is a spliced penis, turned inside out and twisted inside the abdomen to mimick a vagina. I would never advocate dishonesty in sexual relations, but you might want to keep that part to yourself unless presented with a very specific, unambiguous question.

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Mayday, mayday, we're going down!

Q: I suffer from a high degree of self loathing.

At the moment I am trying to boost my self esteem by reciting positive affirmations, such as, 'I am a wonderful, loveable person'. Unfortunately, I don't always remember to do it often enough, and I'm not getting the improvment in self esteem I'm after.

I really hate myself for letting myself down in this way and screwing yet another thing up. What should I do?

A: It sounds like you're in a highly inevitable and self-perpetuating downward spiral.

We call this a downward spiral as a metaphor for a plane falling from the sky, out of control and plummetting to the ground. Such a spin is very hard for a pilot to pull out of, and the more the spiral continues, the harder it is to avoid a full, clataclysmic and devastating impact with the ground.

To get out of this, you will have to do more than meditate or tell yourself everyone loves you. You need to do something drastic to shake your mind from it's natural patterns.

Electrotherapy is one option and you can do this at home if you have a 110 volt power plug (avoid the 240V, as it can often throw you across the room, causing injury -- although in your case that might help, should you survive it).

Try biting off a rat's head while watching yourself in the mirror. Do it naked. The image will burn itself in your mind and will certainly change your outlook permanently. Granted, the effect of this treatment could just as easily be harmful as beneficial, not to mention the hygeine issues involved with swallowing rats' blood.

This is something that psychologists won't mention, but, in my experience, self-loathing is often accompanied by extreme external loathing also. Do other people like you? It's possible that you are actually an unlikeable person, and your self-hated is completely justified. In this case, there's not much you can do except resign yourself to this notion and live with it.

The outlook is grim, Captain, but I hope you can be one of the tiny percentage of airmen who can pilot themselves out of such a deep downward spiral.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Clear-cut answer

Q: Hey Harv.. What does more damage? A Boomerang or a Samurai Sword? My stupid coon friend thinks Boomerang whereas I beg to differ.. Ur thoughts?


A: Firstly, let me mention that you have (possibly unwittingly) used an offensive word for an indigenous Australian. The correct word to use is "Māori", for future reference.

As for boomerang vs katana (the name for the classic Samurai sword), are you kidding!? Boomerang has a bit of range, yeah, but all it can deliver is an effective bump to the head. The katana will CUT YOU IN HALF.

Take it to the field and test it with your friends.

The victim of the boomerang will be all... oooh, you hit me with a boomerang and I've got a real googy egg on my head, why did you do that, it really hurts...

The dude on the sharp end of a katana would be more like, well, thank you Mr. Samurai, I can't say anything because I'm DEAD; spurting blood 10 feet across the room and my arm came right off and I'm split in two at my sternum and I can't even tell you this because I died almost immediately.

Boomerang, indeed!

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Cruelty to animals, please

Q: Does inflicting cruelty on unwitting animals represent who you are?

A: Yes, reader, it most certainly does. However, the connotation is purely a cultural one, ranging from utter abhorrence to unyeilding respect.

For instance, certain suburban areas in the Republic of Azkhikistan regard a peaceful attitude toward animals as a sign of weakness, and fully expect citizens to immediately inflict the harshest form of violence against any animal within arm's reach. As a result, animals in Azkhikistan are known to be skittish and subserviant, with high stress levels and a much lower life expectancy than most other countries.

I visited once, and without properly researching local customs, I unwittingly failed to slap down a low-flying pigeon which passed close by my head. I was suddenly accosted by a group of heavy-set women who had been celebrating at a nearby pub. I had to retreat to my car until they lost interest in pursuing me and went back to their baby shower.

It was only later that I found out why I had been targetted.

However, in Western society, acts such as slapping down pigeons or tying cats to fishing wire and attaching them to moving ceiling fans are often looked down upon.

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When a yearbook is just a yearbook

Q: When is the best time to tell a girl you don't love her? Before or after she's shown you her high school yearbook?

A: I have searched Google and Urban Dictionary, because I know how tricky you kids can be with your slang and euphemisms.

There were no hits for "show you her high school yearbook" (I did, however, find plenty of links to High School Musical 2, and candid pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with no clothes on) so I'm assuming you mean literally show you the yearbook from her high school.

If that's the case, then I'm not aware of any relationship between high school yearbooks and expressing lack of interest in a girl. If I were you I'd wait as long as possible to tell her, as it may cause disappointment and leads her to lose interest in sex.

On a personal note, the time to leave is not about when she shows you her high school yearbook; it's about when she starts setting the dogs on you every time you try to visit her house.

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K9 bait and switch

Q: If you saw a link on a website that asked you to join a group that was 'against the use of live dogs as shark bait'... you'd think it was a joke as well, right?

A: I'd probably laugh heartily and go on about my day, browsing the porn site on which I found the link.

Watch out, though, animal activism is being used as part of a new internet scam whereby users foolhardy enough to click the link are infected with a virus called "p.42.tech_psych". This dangerous virus causes your computer to emit low-frequency electronic sonic pulses through the PC speaker.

Over time, the sounds interfere with the electronic signals of the human brain and cause erratic behaviour, such as making appointments you don't intend to keep, lurching at unsuspecting commuters on public transport, or glancing at one's watch repeatedly and giggling. In some cases, it has even been seen to cause an unnatural attraction to peanut butter, to the extent that several incedents have been reported at local supermarkets.

This is not a virus you want to get, folks, so be warned.

As an aside, or perhaps more to the point, dogs make excellent shark bait. Dog hairs lubricate the shark's oesophagus and aid in digestion once the animal has been devoured.

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Monday, June 8, 2009

More than one way...

Q: What is the best and most humane way to kill a cat oneself?

A: Poison is the most humane way to kill a cat. It will just fall asleep and never wake up.

But if you're going to kill a cat, my advice would be to have some fun with it. Perform experiments on it, like seeing how long you can keep it alive in a water tank. Feed it asprin until it's head explodes. Stuff it with fish biscuits and kick it in the guts.

Poison is boring.

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The age of reluctance

Q: How should one age gracefully without really wanting to?

A: That's like asking how to choose the prettiest carnival freak. The truth is there's nothing graceful about ageing. It's a pride-swallowing, soul-sucking process that nature imposes on us while laughing uproariously.

Luckily for you, there is a product called "Wobble-Stopper" coming on the market (it's not yet FDA approved) that can actually halt the ageing process. It comes in the form of a cream that completely stops the ageing process on part of the body it's applied to. I've been trialling it for years and it works a charm.

However, I was a little lazy when applying the cream, so now I have a generally youthful appearance with wrinkly ears, eyelids and lips. It doesn't sound so bad, but I do look like a freak.

Oh yeah and I live in La-la land, where I ride rainbow ponies drink from the champagne river.

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Flawed fling: an update

Q: I recently spoke to Cocky 22 who said to me over the phone 'let me give you a hint - I like the chase'. This from the same brain who expects me to speak for 3hrs on the phone, take an interest in his life, be funny etc without him having to do a thing! What should be my response?

A: He seems to be trying to give you a hint here. Let me just gaze into my crystall ball here and see... oh it seems he likes the chase!

But seriously, if he likes the chase, give him one. Move to Bolivia.

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Flawed fling

Q: I am currently enjoying an illicit affair with a very cocky 22 year old who currently has a girlfriend.

Cocky 22 constantly makes remarks such as 'it wouldn't be ok with me if you were seeing someone else' etc etc. This gives me the idea that he wants more. These comments have been going on for weeks. I eventually responded in kind by saying that I like the 'idea' of us being exclusive. He responded to this by saying he's not breaking up with his girlfriend anytime soon and promptly removed his arms from me.

Why?

A: English philosopher Phil Collins (not the singer) once said privately to his wife: relationships should be enjoyed for their flaws, even more so than their successes.

This is very fortunate for you, as this sounds like one of the most flawed relationships I have come across -- there's another woman, he's cocky and evasive, he wants hypocritical terms.

Phil would find plenty to enjoy there!

Did I miss something? Perhaps we are all dead and he is the last man left on the planet?

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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Gay abandon

Q: I once saw my auntie's VJ. Does this make me a homosexual? What makes someone gay?

A: I assume by VJ you are referring to your aunt's vagina. If this isn't the case, I apologise for making this answer about genitalia when it was actually about Video-disc Jockeys.

I think the question you've asked completely depends on context.

For example, if you saw your aunt's vagina while tickling your uncle's testicles in the attic, well, yes, that's a little gay. But if you saw it through a keyhole while you were having sex with two female twins at the same time, that's not gay (albeit a little incestuous for the twins).

If you immediately went and had sex with a man upon seeing your aunt's vagina, then you might conclude they are related. But, in truth, your aunt's vagina is probably a massive red-herring'd scapegoat in this case. You were probably gay before you saw it.

There are many things that make someone gay, such as boredom, birth defects or lack of women, but seeing your aunt's vagina isn't one of them.

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A poet - with more than one noet

Q: What do you think of my latest poem?

Alexia cum, Alexia go, I cum all over her tum.
Feeling happy. Feeling ok! Then Haha! Itchy balls!
Laugh at me? Diseased whore!
If only you visited the doctor more.
Love you, warts and all?

But I fret not cos I've got Harv, my own doc,
Soothing, calming, he is my rock.
I wish I could be like him. But I am nothing.
Eat plastic spoons till my gums bleed.

A: Well, AskHarv's resident poet, thanks for posting again. I think you realise by now that I'm already a fan of your work.

But you've simply outdone yourself here. This poem personifies passion and exposes the deepest recesses of humanity in a way I have never seen before.

I'm not even going to urge you to seek publishers again. I'm going to assume you're published already.

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Keeping your mum... well... mum


Q: The other day some guy set fire to his apartment, and when the brave fireman came to rescue him from his window - sprayed him in the face with pepper spray.

My mum used to say everyone is created equal... but that's bulls*** - there's wack-jobs all around us, right?

A: Hehe, yeah, you nailed it reader, there certainly are whack-jobs everywhere.

We learn to reject our parents' ideals over time, and your questioning of your mother's judgement is just a sign of maturity.

Your mum was wrong. And probably a high class madam.

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Girl gamers?

Q: Why is it that boys like video games and girls don't? Is this a gross over-generalisation, or is that they just suck at them?

A: Girls do suck at video games. It's not just circumstantial, it's Darwinian.

I once saw a girl try to rake some leaves and, boy, it was hilarious. She didn't even move them all in the same direction, she just kept swirling them around the yard. She probably would have kept going forever if I hadn't stopped her. Granted, that was Kim Kardashian on a dare.

In caveman times, men had to hunt, gather and invent fire... women didn't have to do much at all, except learn how to sew and grow breasts that could be used to find the Earth's core. Evolution gave us the tools we needed for the tasks at hand.

Darwin himself threw like a girl and got picked last in every softball game he tried out for. Evolution, it seems, does have a sense of irony.

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Friday, June 5, 2009

Beauty got you beat?

Q: I am an incredibly beautiful woman, and I suppose I should be grateful, but I am getting sick of the attention from men and even other women. It's getting to the point that I can't even take the bus anymore, as I will feel so many eyes on me, it's almost unbearable (I'm quite shy and insecure on the inside). Women refuse to be my friends due to jealousy and envy.

I'm desperate - what can I do to avoid this constant attention?

A: This is becoming an increasing problem in modern Western society, but, fear not! There is a solution!

There is a new cosmetic procedure called de-beautifying, which, while radical, cures the condition of extreme beauty like the disease it sometimes is.

The process involves several weeks of beating, slashing and burning, which results in hideous permanent scars that will avert the gaze of even the most voyeuristic observer. Eye contact becomes a thing of the past, as people are struck by the awkwardness and embarrassment of your vomit-inducing appearance.

A couple of reputable companies you could Google if you're interested in this excellent service:

  • Hideoso Inc.
  • AAA-WeWhackUHard
  • Kavorkian De-Beautifiers
  • Pot-Lickers: The Ugly-Makers
Some of these services also double as very effective debt-collection agencies.

Good luck, and may you hit every branch on the way down, on your graceful dive from the ugly tree.

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I dry retch, therefore I am

Q: Is there a point to life or is it all just random occurences that happen until we expire.. You seem like someone who might be able to summarize a complex response in a paragraph or two..

A: Randomness is in the eye of the beholder. The same event can occur to two different people; one may see it as fate or attach significance to it, while the other may just think it's one more dip in the roller coaster of life.

Roller coasters make me vomit and dry retch uncontrollably, often leading to subsequent shivering and anal leakage for days. This is something I attach meaning to. It's ALL CONNECTED!

I think we understand each other, dear reader.

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Anyone seen a dancing star fish?

Q: I've found that girls who dance well are much better at having sex. Girls who show no rhythmical ability or aesthetic beauty when dancing to music are less satisfying to me even if they are smokin hot. Do you agree? I'll take an average looking chick with the dope moves over a smokin hot starfish any day.

A: I will not comment on the statement that you are considering having sex with a starfish, except to caution you that they have tiny, dagger-like bones jutting out of their skin.

Dancing is often considered a rehearsal or preview of the sex act, so I'm not surprised about your preference at all. I once slept with an extremely overweight woman because I liked the way she jiggled.

However, a common mistake men make is thinking that the phenomenon is reciprocated. Women have no interest in the way men dance, and are most often turned off by the attempt, no matter how successful it may be.

Women's sexual response is triggered exclusively by her olfactory senses, so don some Old Spice by all means, but sit the hell down no matter how much you like the song.

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Brewski blooper

Q: I'm in Japan right now and, a friend told me over a quiet Fosters that it's rude to drink beer from a bottle or can here. He said the only acceptable way is to use a small wooden thimble and shoot the beer while holding your nose, or else you're risking Samarai-sword-impalement.

I've been drinking this way for weeks, but I haven't seen a single local do it yet. Was my friend messing with me?

A: Japan is one of the few countries I haven't yet visited to impose my considerable wealth of knowledge. Perhaps I'll plan a tour in later 2013 when my schedule clears.

However, there's one thing I know that applies to all of humankind. It doesn't matter how you drink your beer, whether it's by thimble, tumbler, pint glass, schooner or old felt wizard hat! Beer brings together anyone who tastes it, with it's bright amber glow and it's cold crisp flavour.

Oh yes, it brings people together in the hospital, because it's clearly is linked to cancer.

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Curse concerns

Q: OK, here goes. We have this flower shop run by a gypsy woman. I inadvertently knocked over a vase while shopping for flowers for my sick mum - then suddenly the gypsy seemed to attempt to put some sort of curse on me. It sounded like she was wishing a pig-snout on me.

I'm not superstitious, but I think I felt something when she did it, and I can't get it out of my head. Am I nuts to worry?

A: Don't worry, it's well known that gypsies are some of the worst cursers on earth. Crazy old witch ladies, batty buxom babysitters, and even gangly psychotic doctors are much better at it.

The effectiveness of a curse relies directly on the quality of the rhymes and hyperbole contained within.

Something like "upon you I lay this curse, that you'll eat till you burst, and your guts will be spilt, till you're burned to grey silt" would probably get someone to put a little weight on, while "rhymey whimey, brothels and broth, may disease riddle you till you're so sick you'll sneeze" will almost certainly be completely ineffective in making someone sick.

Gypsies usually produce complete curse-trash like the latter example (and yes, someone did try that one on me - not even a sniffle!). I wouldn't worry unless she was rhymin' large.

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Quicktime shmicktime

Q: Why does my Quicktime show up with a question mark in the middle of it? This happens on the new Toy Story trailer on the Apple Quicktime site and I can't watch it.

A: Well you've got me beat, good reader. I've never had that happ --

Wait, I just checked out the trailer you mentioned and you're right, it happens to me too. Hehe, it's a little frustrating, granted, but I bet if I just upgrade my Quicktime, it'll --

No, no, that didn't work. Wow, I wonder what that Toy Story trailer is like... Maybe if I play the small or medium ver --

No, no, still... won't... play. This is so frustrating. I'll have to Google it, Google's bound to have an answer somewh --

What the ****!? Nothing on Google, nothing on Apple, I'm gonna email those ******* now and tear them a new ******* ********!!

****!

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Dream on!

Q: Why do I keep having dreams about a talking lizard with a big head who seems terrifying at first but when he bites me he has no teeth and then a miniature aligator comes and stomps on him and in the end I feel sorry for him?

A: You're masturbating too much. Cut it out, kid.

Just kidding, this is actually a classic insecurity dream for people with small genitals. My advice? Get thyself to Thailand, I hear it's cheaper there.

Oh and steer clear of drugs if you're not already on them.

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Getting your ducks in a row

Q: How do ducks know where they're going?

A: This is a better question than it sounds.

Famous Lithuanian philosopher Socrates once posed this same question to the best mathematicians of his time. They came back with various answers, to which Socrates replied: "Prove it, County".

The mathematicians sniffed at his challenge, but, interestingly, none were able to mathematically or logically prove their theorem. In fact, there has never been any compelling evidence that ducks can navigate at all.

I could tell you what I think, but it would take mathematical genius beyond any living person's knowledge to understand my proof.

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Monday, June 1, 2009

Too cool for school

Q: My pop says college is for pussies - is he right?

A: He's partially right. College certainly attracts it's fair share of pussies. However, it is also full of preppies, schlocks, hipsters, posers, lackeys, doofuses, and nerdlings.

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Pregnant pause

Q: My friend says if you fold the foreskin of your penis before you have sex you don't need to wear a condom.

A: This is a common mis-conception (pardon the pun).

However, if you tap it three times with a salted teaspoon, you may have more luck.

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Brotherly love

Q: I know two brothers who are constantly bickering. By way of insult one calls the other "Popsy", to which the brother will inevitably retort "Tank Top". Which insult do you think is worse, and is "Tank Top" really an overriding come-back for "Popsy"?

A: Using the DiPaco's sliding scale of insult impact, Popsy rates a 3.14. Tank Top rates a 2.93. However, when the scale is applied to the combination of the two insults, we get a 3.43.

So Popsy beats tank top as a stand alone insult, while Tank Top tops Popsy as a retort.

Note that the DiPaco sliding scale has no upper or lower limit.

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Swine violence

Q: With the recent swine flu epidemic, I have had an urge to punch people in the throat everytime they sneeze anywhere near me. Is my urge justified?

A: Yes, it is most certainly justified, albeit mildly psychotic.

If you decide to act on this impulse, may I suggest doing so when law enforcement professionals are nowhere in sight.

Also, you might want to consider punching stray sneezers in the nose instead, as this would have a good chance of blocking their nasal cavity, thus disabling their ability to spread the infection for 24 hours or more.

I wish you luck on your endeavours.

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About Harv

A genius in almost every way, Harv is qualified to answer questions on any topic with 100% accuracy. If you want to know how, check out Harv's complete profile!

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