Proximity Alert

Q: Why do people you love hurt you?

A: Ah, the classic conundrum!

Let me answer your question with another question, dear reader: Who else is going to hurt you -- people you hate?

I'm assuming here that you're relatively normal and don't go out of your way to surround yourself with people whom you utterly despise? Are you making the age-old mistake of hanging out with pedophiles, necrophiliacs or perhaps Veronica?

If so, that's gonna be a problem, because those dudes will most likely rape you -- regardless of age, gender or pulse.

If that's not the case, then who else has access? You guessed it, the people you love!

So it's generally a matter of proximity.

It's probably true that your enemies would like nothing more than to punch you in the throat and push you into a pile of garbage while you're gagging for air. But if you don't let them close to you, collapsing your windpipe with a swift karate punch is simply not an option.

Honestly, the easiest way to not get hurt is to be cool like Fonzie (and myself) and not care about anything.

[starts jukebox with a casual bump of the elbow]

Eeeeeeh!


PS: I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't also mention the possibility that the people you love do, indeed, hate you. Perhaps they are the types that subscribe to "keep your enemies close"?

I wouldn't advise you to get paranoid, but it's entirely possible that they are all out to get you. Perhaps they even have secret meetings about how to best make your life utter hell while you're out experimenting on your cats, or watching torture porn. You just never know for sure.

KEEP ALL YOUR EYES OPEN!

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More Interesting Than Watching Paint Dry!

Q: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A: Yes! And what does one do with a painting of four billion stars?

Great question, dear reader! This syndrome is a well-known aspect of human thought processes (or lack thereof) called the "Ignorami Factor", first described by the brilliant philanthropic egomaniac Ignatious Ignorami.

Basically, what the principle infers is that humans are more susceptible to accepting unverifiable facts when they are larger and more elaborate.

In even simpler terms: the bigger the lie, the more likely people are to believe it.

This can be seen in many aspects of modern life, and many "facts" presented to us by popular culture and the media. Some examples:

• Money makes the world go round. But, yeah, isn't it also the root of all evil. So what then? Is the world evil?
  (note: I actually think this particular contradiction was due to a simple typo. I'll let you decide if it should have been "monkey makes the world go round" or "monkey is the root of all evil.")
• Michael Jackson is dead. Yah, er... ok, suuure he is. But first he made a DVD and a couple of new songs! In no way has that been convenient for him and his estate!
• The tragedy of 9-11 was perpetuated by terrorists. Oh really!? If you could see how much evidence I had to indicate it was an act of war by an alien species, your heart would probably stop.
• Veronica is not a whore. I assure you all, dear readers, she most certainly is.

I could go on. To be honest, following a childhood incident with a hot iron, some black duck feathers and an oversized novelty hammer, I have been fighting this syndrome myself for many years, but my nature is to verify every fact for myself.

So, yes, I have counted the stars and it's nowhere near four billion!

I also verified Michael Jackson's "death", and... well... I can't reveal too much of that because it might involve illegally exhuming his corpse, which I definitely DIDN'T do.

And I have those happy snaps to prove the Veronica thing. Who wants to see them?

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Hard Up for Advice!

Q: I have an external USB hard drive that hosts all of my porn. One day I inadvertently ejaculated onto it, knocking it off the desk and onto the floor. When I tried to boot it up again, it had simply stopped working.

I desperately need to get it back, and fast!

I read somewhere you can freeze a hard drive to revive it, but, alas, this did not help me with my problem.

What else can I try?


A: There are many ways to recover lost data, depending on the type of problem you have come across (no pun intended, since you're recovering porn here).

Freezing can work, but if you've tried this already to no avail, here are a few other solutions:

1) It's a little known fact that hard drives contain organic matter. Sometimes simply talking to the hard drive in a calm but firm manner can yield results. I once talked a hard drive into giving up it's valuable data, even after it had been trampled by camels, burnt up in a house fire, and touched in the wrong way by Lindsay Lohan.

2) Water it. I know, it sounds crazy, but water it.

3) Take it to high altitudes. I had a hard drive once that hadn't worked for years. I carried it around with me regardless, as it had private pictures of myself and Veronica on it. However, one winter, I just happened to be ascending Everest, fired up the laptop and, lo and behold, there were the compromising pictures! I immediately rang Veronica and made her sexually humiliate her new rock star boyfriend over the phone so I could listen. He whined like a little girl the whole time and ended up sobbing in a corner, rocking back and forth, hugging himself. It was very satisfying!

4) Threaten it with a knife, or, even better, a gun. If it knows what's good for it, it'll give you your data back. Beware, though, that if you do shoot a hard drive, you may make matters worse, so this is last resort stuff.

You really need to take better care of your porn. I keep mine on a RAID quad-redundancy 32-bank hot-swappable SAN drive array, encased in titanium coated with lead and protected by two massive Maori armed guards 24/7. You can never be too careful.

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Be a gentleman, biyatch!

Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry.

How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?


A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.

The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".

And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.

It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.

Or, even better, an actual rock star called RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.

Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?

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Veronica is a whore

Q: I've heard that some men are lazy, impotent morons who couldn't even get it up for a supermodel. Is that true?

A: Yes, Veronica, that is true. However it is also true that some women are annoying, insatiable, alcoholic hypocrites who should just shut their whore mouths instead of harrassing their ex-husbands with banal questions.

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It's in the game

Q: What should you do if the person you are having an affair with gets cross because you don't text him during his girlfriend weekends about your computer problems but then fails to respond to a text asking who a person on facebook is during a girlfriend weekend? Aren't they both as impersonal as the other? Especially since computer issues imply fixing which imply a home visit?

A: Your situation is so complex even I am not sure if I understand the question properly! Is this guy your boyfriend, or your IT support technician?

However, assuming the former, you've given me enough to go on to suggest your next move. You're obviously in a game-playing relationship, so play some games, girl! Mess with him a little! Get with the program!

Here are some fun suggestions:

• Invite him over for coffee and then drink a coffee in front of him and ask him to leave.
• Let yourself into his house and slightly move every object on his desk.
• Have sex with his mail-man and never tell him about it.
• Tell him he got you pregnant, then hold up a deformed, blood-stained coat hanger and sob uncontrollably.

I've got more, but I'm saving them for my ex-girlfriend Veronica.

Yes, Veronica, you've got it coming.

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Are we doing it yet?

Q: What should one do if a penis is too small to be felt in the vagina during intercourse but is otherwise quite pleasant and easy to perform oral sex and handjobs on?

A: Now, Veronica, I thought I asked you nicely not to email in about our personal lives.

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