Hard Up for Advice!

Q: I have an external USB hard drive that hosts all of my porn. One day I inadvertently ejaculated onto it, knocking it off the desk and onto the floor. When I tried to boot it up again, it had simply stopped working.

I desperately need to get it back, and fast!

I read somewhere you can freeze a hard drive to revive it, but, alas, this did not help me with my problem.

What else can I try?


A: There are many ways to recover lost data, depending on the type of problem you have come across (no pun intended, since you're recovering porn here).

Freezing can work, but if you've tried this already to no avail, here are a few other solutions:

1) It's a little known fact that hard drives contain organic matter. Sometimes simply talking to the hard drive in a calm but firm manner can yield results. I once talked a hard drive into giving up it's valuable data, even after it had been trampled by camels, burnt up in a house fire, and touched in the wrong way by Lindsay Lohan.

2) Water it. I know, it sounds crazy, but water it.

3) Take it to high altitudes. I had a hard drive once that hadn't worked for years. I carried it around with me regardless, as it had private pictures of myself and Veronica on it. However, one winter, I just happened to be ascending Everest, fired up the laptop and, lo and behold, there were the compromising pictures! I immediately rang Veronica and made her sexually humiliate her new rock star boyfriend over the phone so I could listen. He whined like a little girl the whole time and ended up sobbing in a corner, rocking back and forth, hugging himself. It was very satisfying!

4) Threaten it with a knife, or, even better, a gun. If it knows what's good for it, it'll give you your data back. Beware, though, that if you do shoot a hard drive, you may make matters worse, so this is last resort stuff.

You really need to take better care of your porn. I keep mine on a RAID quad-redundancy 32-bank hot-swappable SAN drive array, encased in titanium coated with lead and protected by two massive Maori armed guards 24/7. You can never be too careful.

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Egg-cellent question!

Q: Why do Christians give chocolate eggs during Easter?

A: Easter is a celebration of the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hence, the giving of an egg is a highly symbolic during this time, as eggs represent the testicles required to produce new life. In simpler times, eggs were given, yes, but basically anything round would do. Sometimes people would give passionfruits, golf balls, or even scotch eggs (one of my favourites).

In medieval times, often men would even go so far as to give their actual testicles to each other. This was before it was understood that switching testicles would actually make a man completely infertile.

You've probably heard the term "a shot to the pills", which refers to a swift kick to the testicles? Well, did you know that the Catholic church actually considered making pills the symbolic gift of Easter before coming up with the more palatable idea of the chocolate egg?

For a couple of years there, people were exchanging bottles of Prosac, Xanax, and even Ecstacy -- until it was realised that Easter celebration had become a bunch of zonked out losers sitting around watching the curtains move slightly in the breeze and giggling.

So be grateful for the Easter celebration we have now. Because it could just as easily consist of cutting your own balls off, getting f***ed up on pills, and throwing golf balls at each other.

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