Religious Work-Experience

Q: Hey Harv, now that religion is dead, what do you think would be a good job for Jesus?

A: Well, I guess the son of God would have many useful applications once retired from the position of savior of humanity. Here are a few ideas:

1. Doctor. Admittedly, this is a little off-the-shelf, but you can't deny that Jesus' ability to heal any disease or ailment would come in very handy in the medical profession. However, job satisfaction would be an issue, as healing isn't particularly challenging for Jesus, and of course getting an appointment would be a nightmare. He would drive pretty much all other doctors out of business, too, which may lead to another unfortunate and bloody crucifixion.
2. Fashion designer. Jesus' attire wasn't especially fashionable in the 0's, 10's and 20's, but his flowing robes and sandals MUST be due to make a come-back by now! I can imagine Paris Hilton being very interested in getting the secret to Jesus' patented "glowing head" look, too.
3. Writer. He has already provided the storyline for one bestseller. If anyone can challenge John Grisham, Stephen King and Dan Brown, it would be the Christ himself. He has access to one of the more intriguing characters in literary history ( I would imagine he'd have a tendency for asides, rambling descriptions and possibly a little narcissism, but it would be nothing a good editor couldn't fix. Perhaps blogging would be more his style.
4. Pool Attendant/lifeguard. Walking on water, anyone?

Whatever he would choose, I'd make a point to be a loyal customer.

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Dream a Little Reality

Q: I sometimes ask myself, "Is life a dream?" Is life really a dream?

A: An interesting question, one that has been put forward by philosophers, writers and poets for many centuries.

Some posit that, when a person is in a dream, the dream becomes the real world and the real world becomes a dream. And that, if one were to dream about having a dream, then THAT dream world would become a dream and the first-level dream world would become reality. The "real" reality at this point would be a fading, distant memory at best, and would seem less real to the dreamer than the second-level reality his mind had created from the less tangibly real "real" world.

I often ponder these interesting and layered theories, but mostly find my nose spouting violent jets of snot-flecked blood when I do so.

So is life a dream?

The answer, sadly, is no. You've just watched "Inception" too many times.

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Canine Clamping

Q: A Rottweiler just clamped its teeth on my balls and won't let go. Should I be concerned?

A: No, dear reader, there is nothing to worry about.

Although our friend the Rottweiler does possess the strongest bite-strength of all canine breeds, he still gets tired eventually like any other animal.

You just need to withstand the pain longer than the dog does, and it's a known fact that the Rottie has a notoriously low endurance threshold for pain!

If you're worried about more damage being done to your testicles while you play this dubious waiting game, take solace in the fact that, odds are, the majority of the damage was done during the initial biting motion and won't be particularly worsened by the lack of blood-flow or additional crushing force applied by the dog's jaws. No leverage, you see.

Just watch out for any kind of sawing motion.

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