Canine Clamping

Q: A Rottweiler just clamped its teeth on my balls and won't let go. Should I be concerned?

A: No, dear reader, there is nothing to worry about.

Although our friend the Rottweiler does possess the strongest bite-strength of all canine breeds, he still gets tired eventually like any other animal.

You just need to withstand the pain longer than the dog does, and it's a known fact that the Rottie has a notoriously low endurance threshold for pain!

If you're worried about more damage being done to your testicles while you play this dubious waiting game, take solace in the fact that, odds are, the majority of the damage was done during the initial biting motion and won't be particularly worsened by the lack of blood-flow or additional crushing force applied by the dog's jaws. No leverage, you see.

Just watch out for any kind of sawing motion.

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Egg-cellent question!

Q: Why do Christians give chocolate eggs during Easter?

A: Easter is a celebration of the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hence, the giving of an egg is a highly symbolic during this time, as eggs represent the testicles required to produce new life. In simpler times, eggs were given, yes, but basically anything round would do. Sometimes people would give passionfruits, golf balls, or even scotch eggs (one of my favourites).

In medieval times, often men would even go so far as to give their actual testicles to each other. This was before it was understood that switching testicles would actually make a man completely infertile.

You've probably heard the term "a shot to the pills", which refers to a swift kick to the testicles? Well, did you know that the Catholic church actually considered making pills the symbolic gift of Easter before coming up with the more palatable idea of the chocolate egg?

For a couple of years there, people were exchanging bottles of Prosac, Xanax, and even Ecstacy -- until it was realised that Easter celebration had become a bunch of zonked out losers sitting around watching the curtains move slightly in the breeze and giggling.

So be grateful for the Easter celebration we have now. Because it could just as easily consist of cutting your own balls off, getting f***ed up on pills, and throwing golf balls at each other.

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Costume Tomfoolery

Q: What's that fetish called where the people dress up in costume and bang? Do you know anyone with this fetish?

A: Well, dear reader, the name of the fetish varies with the type of costume.

Here are a few examples:

Beastial-naughty:
Deriving enjoyment from wearing an animal costume that allows you to perform sexual acts without anyone knowing.

Asdyxiation:
Being almost addicted to wearing costumes that contain one or several phalluses.

Paedomasochism:
Being turned on by wearing a costume suggesting you like hurting babies.

And yes, dear reader, I unfortunately know people with every one of these fetishes!

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Cockamamie Q&A

Q: The age old question, does penis size matter?

A: How is this an age-old question if I've never been asked it before?

To be honest, I'm not sure if you asked it correctly... Does penis size matter to who? To Abraham Lincoln? I doubt he's lost any sleep over your penis size, dear reader. To God? Seriously, does anything you do matter to God? If it did, he surely would have struck you down with lightning or swatted you to meaty pulp with his massive God hand by now.

If you're asking if penis size matters to WOMEN, well... let me answer that with another question: Would it matter to a woman if you had NO penis?

School's out.

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Wrestling with lyrical logic

Q: Just listening to the new Bruce Springsteen album and he mentions "Have you ever seen a one legged dog?" Seems odd...I certainly haven't !!!

A: Yes, dear reader, I have. His name is "Pogo" and he had an unfortunate accident which involved a juicy t-bone steak, a malicious neighbourhood bully, and a lawmower. But he manages to carry on with his one mangled testicle poking out from his backside like a very bad anal haemorroid.

The only remaining leg is a back one, so he has to slide himself forward along the ground in a sort of spastic kicking motion. His lower jaw is worn down quite badly now from contact with the rough ground, so he can't help but lick the dirt as he moves, and sometime he'll get his front canines hooked on a rock and will take hours to shake himself free. Many times, I've caught him struggling to swallow a piece of broken glass or to flop his useless body over a large cliff, but I think he is essentially positive and content with his pointless, deformed existence.

But, now that you mention it, I do have issue with the remaining lyrics of Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler". He claims that if I've ever seen a one legged dog then I've seen him. Well the fact is that I did see a one legged dog when I was quite young and had no idea who "The Boss" was -- and it gave me no insight whatsoever into the pop star's appearance.

And before you catch me out, no, it didn't give me any insight into what Mickey Rourke or Marisa Tomei looked like, either.

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This question is a mite weighty!

Q: How many dust mites in a kilo? Do female dust mites (non pregnant) weigh more than males? How much methane is in a dust mite fart?

A: For a minute there, I thought you were going to ask me which weighed more, a kilo of dust mites or a kilo of feathers!

Believe it or not, reader, I'm a bit of a dust mite fanatic myself! It's an amazing creature which has made it through the ages without evolving significantly, or selling out and becoming cute to parasitically prey on other species' sympathies, like puppies or human babies. No, your dust mite is ugly, angry and inexplicably proud of it, much like Beyonce's Sascha Fierce.

There is, indeed, a fairly slanderous rumour going around that female dust mites are heavier than males. There is no science behind the rumour, and I believe it was started by anti-dust-mite movements to discredit female dust mites and cause them to diet excessively, possibly even into starvation. I even saw a new magazine on the stands the other day called Cos-mite-politan, which is cover-to-cover with unrealistic body-images for female dust mites. I'm not one for causes, but this has to stop.

Admittedly, female dust mites do carry the burden of excessively large genitals, but this is offset by the fact that their heads are marketly smaller that males.

As for the weight of a dust mite, that can vary significantly from region to region. If you've ever heard the myth that dead dust mites and their fecal matter can double the weight of your mattress or pillow after just one year of use, then you've probably heard it immediately dismissed by scientists and medical professionals as fanciful fiction.

Well, evidently those scientists and medical professionals have never been to Venezuela, where the average dust mite weighs in excess of 1E-14 milligrams, which is a lot for a dust mite, believe me! Not only can dust mites that heavy contribute to a significant portion of the weight of a pillow over time, eventually, they can BECOME the pillow.

And interestingly, dust mites can't fart.

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Are we doing it yet?

Q: What should one do if a penis is too small to be felt in the vagina during intercourse but is otherwise quite pleasant and easy to perform oral sex and handjobs on?

A: Now, Veronica, I thought I asked you nicely not to email in about our personal lives.

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Answering the Bone-A-Phone

Q: I am a chronic masturbator.

Help.

A: Well, dear reader, when I decide to "Charm the Cobra", I like to start by lighting a few scented candles, running a bath, and lathering up my whole body with aromatic oils, lavendar and aloe. I take it slow and really romance myself, as this hightens the pleasure later when I get to the business end of the night.

Try laying down a few rose petals or fitting your bed with satin sheets. I find pastel-coloured velvet on the walls helps immensely.

But most of all, lubricate well, or you'll get choad-chafing, and will have to wait for it to heal before you can do it all over again.

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Gay abandon

Q: I once saw my auntie's VJ. Does this make me a homosexual? What makes someone gay?

A: I assume by VJ you are referring to your aunt's vagina. If this isn't the case, I apologise for making this answer about genitalia when it was actually about Video-disc Jockeys.

I think the question you've asked completely depends on context.

For example, if you saw your aunt's vagina while tickling your uncle's testicles in the attic, well, yes, that's a little gay. But if you saw it through a keyhole while you were having sex with two female twins at the same time, that's not gay (albeit a little incestuous for the twins).

If you immediately went and had sex with a man upon seeing your aunt's vagina, then you might conclude they are related. But, in truth, your aunt's vagina is probably a massive red-herring'd scapegoat in this case. You were probably gay before you saw it.

There are many things that make someone gay, such as boredom, birth defects or lack of women, but seeing your aunt's vagina isn't one of them.

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Dream on!

Q: Why do I keep having dreams about a talking lizard with a big head who seems terrifying at first but when he bites me he has no teeth and then a miniature aligator comes and stomps on him and in the end I feel sorry for him?

A: You're masturbating too much. Cut it out, kid.

Just kidding, this is actually a classic insecurity dream for people with small genitals. My advice? Get thyself to Thailand, I hear it's cheaper there.

Oh and steer clear of drugs if you're not already on them.

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Smelly siblings

Q: Is sniffing your sisters underpants wrong?

A: It completely depends on the sister and her personal hygeine levels.

If you have a particularly odourous sister, I'd stay completely away from them, as they are likely to smell like faeces and vagina.

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Spigtorum recticitus

Q: What's the name of the space between your balls and my anus ?

A: This space can have many names, depending on the activities of the players involved.

For instance, if you and I were simultaneously receiving oral sex from a young lady, that space is called a screming eagle. If we're both simultaneously having intercourse with a lady, it's called a spit-roast.

However, during the normal course of events it's generally referred to by the latin "spigtorum recticitus", which, translated, means, "the space between your balls and my anus".

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Wanking shrinkage

Q: Why do my testicles retract into my stomach when I masturbate??

A: Dear reader, while it can be disconcerting when any part of your body changes size without an obvious cause, this is nothing to worry about. It's usually just a sign of your body being very grateful for what you are doing to it.

Your testicles are actually little sacs of blood dangling in your scrotum. When you get en erection, the blood is pumped from these sacs to your penis. Hence your balls get smaller and your penis gets larger.

Note though that, if your balls ever end up becoming a vaccuum, despite the obviously impressive penis size you'll achieve, you do need to consult a medical professional.

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The fate of human tails

Q: Why don't humans have tails anymore?

A: The facts are pretty clear on this one. Even back in the Permian period, when we had tails, it was only half the population that had them.

Over time, as we no longer needed our tails to balance on 2 legs, the tail grew smaller and smaller and gradually moved forward on the body.

The end result, for my lucky male readers, is the small organ between your legs called a penis.

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Dutch rudder fan seeks next level

Q: I watched a movie the other day and it referred to a Dutch Rudder. I checked Yahoo Answers and it said it was a shipping manouvre.

A: Yes, but if Yahoo Answers was always correct, we wouldn't need Ask Harv, would we?

The truth is the reader already knows what a dutch rudder is, having performed it many times. It's a simple Google search to find out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dutch+rudder.

So I can only assume, dear reader, that you're looking for the next level.

That would be a "Double Dutch Rudder", or "DDR", which is defined as "the process or action of two men standing facing each other, each with his right hand around his own penis, then they place their left hand on the elbow of their friends right elbow, then they simultaneously move the friends right elbow back/forth with their left hand causing the friend to masturbate."

It's important to note that this act is NOT difinitively homosexual, but is considered an option by many heterosexual males in female deprived situations, such as prison, being a nerd, or meeting the first person since your mum.

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First question

Q: Why are you such a dick?

A: Well viewer, I half suspect your question is a little tongue in cheek. But I promised to answer everything.

I'm a dick, because I have massive daddy issues and take it out on others. For instance, when I woke up on my 19th birthday, hoping my Dad would have got me that Jethopper remote controlled car he promised me, instead I got daddy rape. Again.

So thanks for bringing up daddy rape as the first question.

NEXT!

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