Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I'm back!

Q: Harv, where have you been? We need you! You haven't answered my question about impotence and two girlfriends have left me in the meantime... one of which I quite liked.


A: Well, dear reader, this email reached me just as I arrived home from my various travels. I covered some of the most obscure corners of the globe, but let me give you a few highlights:

  • Saving whales on the east coast of Antarctica, then sucking the delicious blubber direct from small stab wounds in their still-breathing bellies -- before sending them back into the ocean with their new-found weight loss and mobility. Of course this was all part of the marketing campaign for Gwenneth Paltrow's patented Cigarette Ash and Abalone diet. When you see the TV spots, you'll understand.
  • Winning the confidence of famously skittish male Ferret Monkeys in the Amazon and being the first to talk to them about their long-standing misogyny issues in a time of a declining female population. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding.
  • Wooing one of the tribeswomen of the Alaskan Inupak tribes, and finally gaining acceptance after a courting process of 7 months. I was subsequently asked to perform a final feat of dedication to prove my worth. I was surprised to learn it involved plummeting to certain death off the precipice of a local cliff face. I was in love, so I agreed, and as I stepped off the edge, I had barely a notion of danger or regret in my head. At the last moment, my bride relented and grabbed my arm to stop me. It was too late and we both toppled off the cliff face. If it wasn't for her landing between the rocks and my own body, I can't imagine I would be writing this answer today.
Dear readers, this time the answer is simple: I'm back.

I'm heart broken and probably not the same man you knew; shooting off positive whims of wisdom at the drop of a hat. But I'm here again, at your service, and ready to answer your questions. Fire away!

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About Harv

A genius in almost every way, Harv is qualified to answer questions on any topic with 100% accuracy. If you want to know how, check out Harv's complete profile!

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