Pogo Challenge

Q: I have a question about your response to the Bruce Springsteen question.

What a coincidence he was named "Pogo" and then happened to have "an unfortunate accident which involved a juicy t-bone steak, a malicious neighbourhood bully, and a lawmower..."

The whole thing smacks of complete bulls**t to me.

A: First of all, I have to point out that, gramatically, your messge contains no question. Notice the absence of a question mark?

However, since I get your meaning and I suspect you're not the first to question my credibility, I decided to respond.

Pogo was very young when the accident occurred... in fact he was part of a large litter and had not yet been named. When he had his accident, his owners were inspired to name him Pogo and keep him instead of selling him off with the rest of the litter.

Geddittt!?

I posted a photo of Pogo... there was hardly any doubt.

Now, I know it's my job to answer questions, but let me ask one for a change: how was it you were brought up so badly, you felt it was appropriate to make fun of a poor deformed, useless puppy, whose only pleasure in life is popping bubble-wrap three bubbles at a time, and exploring the texture of his disgusting scarred testicles with his tongue?

Are you an insane sadist? I'm curious... Would you also laugh at a mobility disabled person, or someone who is height challenged?

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Latin language lapse

Q: There are many words for sexually active women, such as slut, whore, or tart. What are the equivalent words for men?

A: You've picked up on a rather hypocritical English language deficiency here, one which often bothers women in Western cultures.

There are very few words to describe promiscuous men with negative connotations.

However, while this is a language problem shared by most Latin-based dialects, it does not apply to most other languages. Here are a few examples:

• The Arabic "Ackkharr bashdikkhar", which means, "he who sharpens his sword and uses it to slice many ovaries."
• The Hebrew word "Manditara-hassar", which translates to, "he who is likely to, and fully deserves to, have his penis rot off from AIDS or Syphillis."
• The Cantonese word "Dik wok dong willy dik-dok", which means "a man who would enjoy rape, paedophilia and necrophilia if his partner were unwilling, underage, or dead."

However, sexual liberation should be viewed as a positive thing, and instead of adding negative words for sexually promiscuous men, perhaps we should endeavour to endear words such as slut, tart and whore with positive connotations. We can do this in our own lives by simply beginning to use the words in positive light.

Maybe call your mum and greet her with a simple, "Hey slut, what's going down?". Visit your grandma in the nursing home, don a wide grin, and repeatedly refer to her as a massive hoe in front of staff and friends. Or even help promote your favourite female government representative by putting up sign that proclaims her as "the smartest old tart in politics."

Initially, such language usage would probably be frowned upon, but if you manage to avoid injury and jail-time, you'll be furthering the noble cause to unbias the English language permanently.

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Prunes and prejudice

Q: What is it about your generation? Always slagging off at the expense of older people or children. Do you put this down to self obsession, pathological insecurity or blind prejudice? Or is there some other explanation?

A: Firstly, let me say, for the record, my answers are all based on scientific fact and the only prejudices they contain are slanted toward perfect truth.

However, I did have a problem with this several years ago and actually saw several therapists about it. Eventually, they tracked down the problem to a mild form of Terets Syndrome, which is best known as the brain disorder that causes people call out swear words and obscenities involuntarily. Phrases such as "whooop! F***K", "RapeMaggot" or "HickoryDickoryC***k" are often called out with no cause or warning.

In my case, the disorder was very WHIPPERSNAPPER mild (kind of a 24-hour-thing that lasted 5 years), and caused a very slight intolerance of people outside my generational age-bracket.

One doctor ironically noted that, if the disorder had escalated, I would have lived into old age with an involuntary self-loathing which would have resulted in me sitting in my LONGJOHN rocking chair on my porch hurling insults at myself and probably sobbing at the sting of my own wit.

It was a call to action that I did not ignore, let me tell you!

Hence, it has completely cleared up now, thank God, and hasn't manifested itself for several OLDFART years.

So maybe just pour yourself a cup of warm cocoa, eat some warm porridge with DANGLYBALLS prunes, put your travel rug over your knees, and sip a port pipe, old timer. Best of luck for your morning bowel movement.

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What's in an insult?

Q: Why can African Americans call each other 'n*****', while a white man would get his eyes cut out?


If I call my friend (who happens to be white like myself) - '****', I really have no objection to a black man calling him the same.

A: I'm sure there are names that someone could call you that would cause offense. What about "urine-cheeks", or "flubber-flub-flub"? What if I called you "baby-pus", or "no-pants-man"? What if you had haemorroids and I kept going "Hey, 'roids, how are those 'roids going, 'roid-man?"

The specific word you asked about has a history going back to before the Big Bang, when God used to use it as a derogatory name for black holes.

I would suggest sticking to more conventional insults, such as "Pup-rape", "Pocky-man", or "F**k-Berry".

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Clear-cut answer

Q: Hey Harv.. What does more damage? A Boomerang or a Samurai Sword? My stupid coon friend thinks Boomerang whereas I beg to differ.. Ur thoughts?

A: Firstly, let me mention that you have (possibly unwittingly) used an offensive word for an indigenous Australian. The correct word to use is "Māori", for future reference.

As for boomerang vs katana (the name for the classic Samurai sword), are you kidding!? Boomerang has a bit of range, yeah, but all it can deliver is an effective bump to the head. The katana will CUT YOU IN HALF.

Take it to the field and test it with your friends.

The victim of the boomerang will be all... oooh, you hit me with a boomerang and I've got a real googy egg on my head, why did you do that, it really hurts...

The dude on the sharp end of a katana would be more like, well, thank you Mr. Samurai, I can't say anything because I'm DEAD; spurting blood 10 feet across the room and my arm came right off and I'm split in two at my sternum and I can't even tell you this because I died almost immediately.

Boomerang, indeed!

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Racism concerns

Q: A litte while ago I had a dream where two babies, one whie and one black, were stuck in a burning bus. I only had time to save one so I picked the white one.

Ever since then I've been trying to make up for my obvious racism by 'high-fiving' every black baby I see on the street. Is this wrong? Am I a racist?

A: I'm sorry to say that you are quite clearly a racist.

The good news is that admitting the problem is the first step. You should now seek out a therapist who speciallises in racism to perform what they call a "racism exorcism", or "racexorcism" for short.

This is a radical new technique that involves strapping you into a bed and monitoring your brain waves. The therapist will apply mild torture techniques - such as chinese burns, bamboo wedges or whipping - when he/she detects that you're having a racist thought until they are eradicated altogether.

Sounds extreme? Hey, you're the big racist.

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