Saturday, March 26, 2011

Mystery Poet Strikes Again!

Q: What do think of my latest poem?

1. Climaxing puppies...
2. Whack crap, tail flap
3. World wide WAP with a fat attack
4. Climaxing puppies...
5. Tear off my face and wipe your ass with it
6. Eat a bald tit
7. Climaxing puppies...
8. A t-shirt that fits you?
9. Don't mess with a shih tzu
Climaxing puppies...
Climaxing puppies...
Climaxing puppies.

A: I read this aloud, and in the distance I heard children screaming with delight. It was impossible that they could have heard the poem from that distance, so I can only assume they instinctively sensed it's emotional echo.

Such satirical cynicism, mixed with the innocence and hope of a child trying out for the baseball team and is fairly confident of being picked.

If you mixed this poem with blood-filled urine and black ichor from the devil's veins, it would still be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I would be keen to ingest it into every orifice of my body.

You're a national treasure, mystery poet, and I love you on behalf of every person on Earth.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Apocalypse Soon

Q: With a global meltdown imminent, I would like to know how you're preparing for it Harv. I plan on basing my own survival on your sage advice - so please. Share with us less fortunate than yourself the wisdom necessary to overcome this bleakest of futures and survive into the new age.

A: Sure, dear reader; I am writing this from my lead-coated, underground bomb shelter as we speak.

There are a few precautions that everyone should be considering, in order to prepare for the global apocalypse:

1) Trade in your cash. When the meltdown occurs, your cash money will be worth EXACTLY the paper it's printed on. People will tell you to store gold, but gold also has little practical value in a post-apocalyptic, low technology society, where most of the leprechauns have been disassembled at a sub-atomic level. Personally, I have opted for peanuts. Not only are they a good source of nutrition and will provide great collateral in a bartering society, they are damned delicious and go well with beer. It's lonely down here in the shelter.

2) Impregnate someone. It sounds silly, but if your face is melted off by excessive UV exposure, or your body is disintegrated to a pile of steaming custard by a nuclear blast-wave, your offspring is a way to survive beyond physically surviving. Obviously, this does not apply to women. I'd advise women to become more slutty and less choosy -- and then tell me what bars they are planning to hang out in.

3) Invent time travel or teleportation. It may sound like science fiction, but this is an area of research that the human race is really slacking off in. Sure, I've been dabbling myself, and have actually been able to transport my hand across the room 20 metres, only to get it stuck in a cement wall and spend hours with a hammer and chisel trying to free it so I could sew it back on. But, even though I can definitely do it alone, it would be slightly faster if we also had the world's greatest minds to support my efforts.

Eventually, I'm planning to make a clone of myself, implant my memories in it, cryogenically freeze it, and teleport it into the far reaches of space. That way, if we destroy the planet, at least our greatest natural resource -- me -- will be preserved. The aliens should know how to thaw me out and revive my massive intellect.

Please, though, whatever you do, don't shoot talentless hacks like Lindsay Lohan or David Hasselhoff out there after me, no matter how much money they throw at the problem.

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About Harv

A genius in almost every way, Harv is qualified to answer questions on any topic with 100% accuracy. If you want to know how, check out Harv's complete profile!

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