Down in the Dumps

Q: Hello Mr esteemed AskHarv dude, I got a question. You know when all dogs go to do the #2, why do they squat? Why can't they just do the deed standing up? I've always wondered about this, looking forward to your forthcoming outstanding answer.

A: Dear reader, dogs do all sorts of weird stuff, don't they? They smell each other's asses, chase their tails, and play in traffic with the assumed goal of getting run over by a massive truck and squeezing their bowels out through their mouths.

You are right to ponder the mysteries of probably the most spastic and ill-considered animal in all of God's realms.

This particular behavior is purely a physical one. Dogs have nerve-endings connected to particular parts of their bodies that force involuntary muscle contractions when stimulated. You would have seen a dog's leg twitch when it's belly is scratched; this is a similar reaction. Try tickling a dog's anus and you'll see his stomach and back muscles contract uncontrollably, causing the very hunch you mention.

Actually, funny story, I once knew a puppeteer who got drunk and decided to experiment on his own pet puppy. He attached 17 small feathers to various known sensitive zones on his dog's body and wired them up to various buttons on a remote control. He was able to make the dog walk, sit, lick it's own ear and even head-butt itself, just by pressing the right sequence of buttons on the remote.

He is currently performing his bizarre but entertaining "Puppetized Puppy" act at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow.

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Note-worthy Question!

Q: Hello Harv, I am in Pilippines now. My probins Leyte.

I ask why I can never find 200 piso notes here in my country? Why make note but not use? I like green color.

Tnx po, love AskHarv website!

A: Interesting question, dear reader! I have been unable to get accurate information on exactly how many 200 peso notes there are currently in circulation, which means it probably does not exist, but I can answer why the note was created and then subsequently not included in further print-runs.

Once officials released the commemorative note in 2002, it was quickly discovered that it drastically reduced the amount of bribe revenue coming in to police and government officials, as it provided an alternative denomination to the previously well-established and convenient bribe-standard, the p500 note.

This caused many corrupt officials to be unable to feed their families and led to threats of industrial action and work-stoppages.

Interestingly, the government is now considering phasing out the p500 and replacing it with a p720 banknote to boost bribe revenue again.

There is already a design proposed for the new note:

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Speakers now, or forever lose the peace..

Q: Why do people persist with listening to their phones thru the shitty internal speaker? It sounds crappy and annoys the hell out of everyone around them.

Has consideration for other people been squashed? Whats wrong with society today?


A: I have long lobbied Nokia to adopt my special micro-speaker technology, which can produce professional quality sound from an electromagnetic diode no larger than a thumb tack. I am willing to give it away for free to solve this very problem.

But you're right, this is all part of a larger problem. Not only do people listen to poor quality sound in public places, but they display other discourtesies that are simply not becoming of a gentleman, and make life in public areas almost intolerable.

For example:

• Farting in elevators has risen 26% in the past 3 years.
• The volume of patrons' chewing in restaurants has doubled in the space of 5 years.
• People throwing their own faeces on public transportation has become a measurable statistic, with 4.2% of the population engaged in the activity.
• Reach-arounds in homosexual relationships have dropped 17% in 18 months.
• The number of female celebrities doing nude scenes has declined to 7 per year in Hollywood.

It really is a sorry state of affairs. Gentlemen -- such as you and I, dear reader -- are a dying breed. It won't be long before a trip to the supermarket involves a mugging, cursory rape, and a thorough tar-and-feathering to boot!

Sometimes I wonder if I should devote my considerable genius to the eradication of the human race. But then I realise we've been doing that for generations already, and it's a project that is already proving effective.

Then I sleep well at night.

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On a roll...

Q: Why is it that no-one understands my need of having the toilet paper over the top rather than underneath? How do you like it Harv?


A: No one understands it, because they don't have a doctorate in psychology, and hence cannot understand that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You are also probably a complete hoarder, am I right?

"Turd Burglar" magazine hosts an annual poll on exactly this subject. Up until 2002, the results were pretty much 50-50. In 2003, they added a third response, which was "I care even less about this than the possibility Lindsay Lohan will be molested and eaten by a gang of horny bears with lion claws and shark teeth in her LA home".

Since then, the latter response has received 97.2% support.

As for my own preference? Well, I invented an automatic dispenser which deploys toilet paper directly onto my asshole whenever it detects faecal matter. It also charges my iPod.

And I roll it in the middle. But I'm not going to tell you how I do it.

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