Down in the Dumps

Q: Hello Mr esteemed AskHarv dude, I got a question. You know when all dogs go to do the #2, why do they squat? Why can't they just do the deed standing up? I've always wondered about this, looking forward to your forthcoming outstanding answer.

A: Dear reader, dogs do all sorts of weird stuff, don't they? They smell each other's asses, chase their tails, and play in traffic with the assumed goal of getting run over by a massive truck and squeezing their bowels out through their mouths.

You are right to ponder the mysteries of probably the most spastic and ill-considered animal in all of God's realms.

This particular behavior is purely a physical one. Dogs have nerve-endings connected to particular parts of their bodies that force involuntary muscle contractions when stimulated. You would have seen a dog's leg twitch when it's belly is scratched; this is a similar reaction. Try tickling a dog's anus and you'll see his stomach and back muscles contract uncontrollably, causing the very hunch you mention.

Actually, funny story, I once knew a puppeteer who got drunk and decided to experiment on his own pet puppy. He attached 17 small feathers to various known sensitive zones on his dog's body and wired them up to various buttons on a remote control. He was able to make the dog walk, sit, lick it's own ear and even head-butt itself, just by pressing the right sequence of buttons on the remote.

He is currently performing his bizarre but entertaining "Puppetized Puppy" act at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow.