Construction Site Snub

Q: Do blue-collar workmen still harrass attractive young ladies with wolf-whistles and lewd comments, or has political correctness found its way into the construction site too?

The reason I ask is that I passed one the other day and... not a sound! I could hear crickets chirping!


A: Yes, they most certainly do! The construction site is the last place on Earth that political correctness is likely to surface.

Believe it or not, these guys spend hours training in front of the mirror at home to achieve their signature wolf-whistle. In fact, eventhough the public isn't usually privvy to it, the construction industry actually carries out its own bi-annual wolf-whistling olympics!

The current event roster includes:

• "Fright-jump", where competitors wolf-whistle at skittish women to see how high they can make them jump in fear. The current record is 139.2cm, during which the skittish woman was actually badly injured, causing controversy within the construction industry ranks.
  


• "Smash-athalon", where contestants attempt to wolf-whistle at just the right frequency and volume to shatter the car windows, eyeglasses and jewelry of passers-by.



• "Wrong-frump", where competitors are presented with a series of women of varying degrees of attractiveness and challenged to decide whether or not to perform a wolf-whistle. If they choose unwisely, it's called the "wrong-frump" and the erroneous competitor will be beaten within an inch of his life by the others.

But I digress. The point is that, while I'd like to tell you that the silence you experienced was simply due to the workers' chapped lips restricting their ability to whistle, the fact is that there is really nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop any self-respecting construction worker from issuing a loud, demeaning whistle at pretty much any half-decent looking female that walks by.

I'd consult your bathroom mirror before investigating any further.

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Readers or writers, that is the question...

Q: Why do you refer to people who write to you as "readers" when they are "writing" to you. Shouldn't you refer to them as "writers" or perhaps "followers" as in the Twitter domain? I don't read much of this s**t...

A: Good point, let me try it out, dear writer.

No, see, it just doesn't have a good ring to it, does it? It seems a pretty fair assumption that, if you've written a question in, you've quite obviously read the site, haven't you? I mean if you weren't a reader, how could you ever be a writer?

And even if you weren't a reader before this - say, someone gave you the AskHarv email address and you emailed in blind - you're gonna be a reader eventually, aren't you? Because if you're reading this now, I can call you a reader, can't I?

To be honest, you've confounded me somewhat, and now I will have to go to my therapist and get her to give me reaffirming mantras, such as "I am an intelligent, astute and powerfully sexual being" to repeat over and over again.

Thanks for costing me $780 and two hours of my time, dear reader!

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Toxic Longevity

Q: If poison expires is it still poisonous? I have an old bottle of cyanide lying around and was contemplating suicide, but am not sure if it'll work.

A: Some people will tell you it depends on the poison, but this simply isn't the case. The expiry date printed on poison is the date that the poison loses it's fatal toxicity and becomes a harmless and often tasty beverage.

In fact, expired poisons are often recycled to become ingredients in popular soft drinks and fruit juice blends. Some of the more popular juices on the market are blended with expired arsenic, sarin and anthrax, should they not be used for callous murder or genecide before their expiry date arrives.

So you better get yourself a new vial of cyanide, dear reader, because the one you have most likely tastes just like a delicious gulp of Dr Pepper, with twice the health benefits.

PS: Please don't poison anyone but yourself with this advice.

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Feline facial fallacy

Q: I recently had cosmetic surgery to reconstruct a dramatically sunken jawbone. The surgery went well and I'm very happy with my new chin.

But now, suddenly, my cat, Mr. Tinkles, appears to hate me.

He screws up his face when I pet him, keeps urinating on my laundry and will often cross to the other side of the yard when I come outside to sunbake. Sometimes I suspect he is trying to kill me.

I'm at a loss! Should I get my chin changed back?

A: Yes, I'm afraid the only option - if you love you Mr. Tinkles, as you claim - is to change your chin back to its previous semi-deformed state.

Cats imprint on their owners, much like ducklings or platypus elders, and once this imprinting is complete, it cannot be undone or re-taught.

Mr Tinkles memorised the appearance of his food source long ago, and now you've put him in the uncomfrotable position of living with some weird stranger in the house, waiting until his real owner returns to resume their symbiotic relationship. To be honest, you're lucky he's only peeing on your clothes and witholding affection - he's just as likely to claw your face into red flesh-ribbons during the night.

Choice time, kiddo. It's either your own vanity, or the love of your feline companion. Make your choice.

PS: If you're having trouble funding the cosmetic reversal, may I suggest going to bar, approaching the toughest guy in the place, and calling him a flaming homosexual. He will gladly perform the corrective surgery you need free of charge, albeit with a marked lack of precision.

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This question is a mite weighty!

Q: How many dust mites in a kilo? Do female dust mites (non pregnant) weigh more than males? How much methane is in a dust mite fart?

A: For a minute there, I thought you were going to ask me which weighed more, a kilo of dust mites or a kilo of feathers!

Believe it or not, reader, I'm a bit of a dust mite fanatic myself! It's an amazing creature which has made it through the ages without evolving significantly, or selling out and becoming cute to parasitically prey on other species' sympathies, like puppies or human babies. No, your dust mite is ugly, angry and inexplicably proud of it, much like Beyonce's Sascha Fierce.

There is, indeed, a fairly slanderous rumour going around that female dust mites are heavier than males. There is no science behind the rumour, and I believe it was started by anti-dust-mite movements to discredit female dust mites and cause them to diet excessively, possibly even into starvation. I even saw a new magazine on the stands the other day called Cos-mite-politan, which is cover-to-cover with unrealistic body-images for female dust mites. I'm not one for causes, but this has to stop.

Admittedly, female dust mites do carry the burden of excessively large genitals, but this is offset by the fact that their heads are marketly smaller that males.

As for the weight of a dust mite, that can vary significantly from region to region. If you've ever heard the myth that dead dust mites and their fecal matter can double the weight of your mattress or pillow after just one year of use, then you've probably heard it immediately dismissed by scientists and medical professionals as fanciful fiction.

Well, evidently those scientists and medical professionals have never been to Venezuela, where the average dust mite weighs in excess of 1E-14 milligrams, which is a lot for a dust mite, believe me! Not only can dust mites that heavy contribute to a significant portion of the weight of a pillow over time, eventually, they can BECOME the pillow.

And interestingly, dust mites can't fart.

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Mayday, mayday, we're going down!

Q: I suffer from a high degree of self loathing.

At the moment I am trying to boost my self esteem by reciting positive affirmations, such as, 'I am a wonderful, loveable person'. Unfortunately, I don't always remember to do it often enough, and I'm not getting the improvment in self esteem I'm after.

I really hate myself for letting myself down in this way and screwing yet another thing up. What should I do?

A: It sounds like you're in a highly inevitable and self-perpetuating downward spiral.

We call this a downward spiral as a metaphor for a plane falling from the sky, out of control and plummetting to the ground. Such a spin is very hard for a pilot to pull out of, and the more the spiral continues, the harder it is to avoid a full, clataclysmic and devastating impact with the ground.

To get out of this, you will have to do more than meditate or tell yourself everyone loves you. You need to do something drastic to shake your mind from it's natural patterns.

Electrotherapy is one option and you can do this at home if you have a 110 volt power plug (avoid the 240V, as it can often throw you across the room, causing injury -- although in your case that might help, should you survive it).

Try biting off a rat's head while watching yourself in the mirror. Do it naked. The image will burn itself in your mind and will certainly change your outlook permanently. Granted, the effect of this treatment could just as easily be harmful as beneficial, not to mention the hygeine issues involved with swallowing rats' blood.

This is something that psychologists won't mention, but, in my experience, self-loathing is often accompanied by extreme external loathing also. Do other people like you? It's possible that you are actually an unlikeable person, and your self-hated is completely justified. In this case, there's not much you can do except resign yourself to this notion and live with it.

The outlook is grim, Captain, but I hope you can be one of the tiny percentage of airmen who can pilot themselves out of such a deep downward spiral.

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The age of reluctance

Q: How should one age gracefully without really wanting to?

A: That's like asking how to choose the prettiest carnival freak. The truth is there's nothing graceful about ageing. It's a pride-swallowing, soul-sucking process that nature imposes on us while laughing uproariously.

Luckily for you, there is a product called "Wobble-Stopper" coming on the market (it's not yet FDA approved) that can actually halt the ageing process. It comes in the form of a cream that completely stops the ageing process on part of the body it's applied to. I've been trialling it for years and it works a charm.

However, I was a little lazy when applying the cream, so now I have a generally youthful appearance with wrinkly ears, eyelids and lips. It doesn't sound so bad, but I do look like a freak.

Oh yeah and I live in La-la land, where I ride rainbow ponies drink from the champagne river.

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Beauty got you beat?

Q: I am an incredibly beautiful woman, and I suppose I should be grateful, but I am getting sick of the attention from men and even other women. It's getting to the point that I can't even take the bus anymore, as I will feel so many eyes on me, it's almost unbearable (I'm quite shy and insecure on the inside). Women refuse to be my friends due to jealousy and envy.

I'm desperate - what can I do to avoid this constant attention?

A: This is becoming an increasing problem in modern Western society, but, fear not! There is a solution!

There is a new cosmetic procedure called de-beautifying, which, while radical, cures the condition of extreme beauty like the disease it sometimes is.

The process involves several weeks of beating, slashing and burning, which results in hideous permanent scars that will avert the gaze of even the most voyeuristic observer. Eye contact becomes a thing of the past, as people are struck by the awkwardness and embarrassment of your vomit-inducing appearance.

A couple of reputable companies you could Google if you're interested in this excellent service:

• Hideoso Inc.
• AAA-WeWhackUHard
• Kavorkian De-Beautifiers
• Pot-Lickers: The Ugly-Makers

Some of these services also double as very effective debt-collection agencies.

Good luck, and may you hit every branch on the way down, on your graceful dive from the ugly tree.

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Wacky question!

Q: What do you think of my poem:

Someone said we're wack! Why would they say that?
I don't think we're wack. Who said we're wack?
I can't believe that. They must be smoking crack,
To say that we're wack. Say that we're wack?
You'll probably get smacked. If you say we're wack.
Did you say we're wack?

A: It sounds to me like you are way too concerned with being labelled "wack". I'm not familiar with the term, but I'm sure you're not wack in the slightest, and should probably worry less about your own particular wackness and more about your extreme, crippling insecurity.

I've tagged this under "mystery poet", but I think it's quite obvious that this is not the same brilliant author of the "flat jack" poem!

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Insivible beauty

Q: How come they say "All people are beautiful on the inside" ? On Prison Break everyone was f***kin' ugly.

A: I suspect, reader, you have already come to the conclusion that they - they being other ugly people and some misinformed scientists - say that to make ugly people feel better about themselves.

The truth is that being beautiful on the inside, even if it were scientifically possible, would be redundant except in the case of heavily mutilated murder victims. No one is going to see your inside, and if they do, you're probably dead.

I guess, if you're trying to pick up your x-ray or Endoscopy technician, it's also a plus in that specific case.

PS: I think you're misjudging Prison Break. I find Lincoln quite fetching in his self-assured masculinity.

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