Toxic Longevity

Q: If poison expires is it still poisonous? I have an old bottle of cyanide lying around and was contemplating suicide, but am not sure if it'll work.

A: Some people will tell you it depends on the poison, but this simply isn't the case. The expiry date printed on poison is the date that the poison loses it's fatal toxicity and becomes a harmless and often tasty beverage.

In fact, expired poisons are often recycled to become ingredients in popular soft drinks and fruit juice blends. Some of the more popular juices on the market are blended with expired arsenic, sarin and anthrax, should they not be used for callous murder or genecide before their expiry date arrives.

So you better get yourself a new vial of cyanide, dear reader, because the one you have most likely tastes just like a delicious gulp of Dr Pepper, with twice the health benefits.

PS: Please don't poison anyone but yourself with this advice.