Croquet Q&A

Q: Is croquet the same as pall mall or are their origins tied together ? I'se got ta know.

A: If you are aware of the game of Pall Mall, or Paille-maille, as it is more accurately known, then I suspect you don't need me to inform you about its roots, or its relationship to modern croquet. However, for the beneficial of less learned readers, I will humour you nevertheless :)

The names Pall Mall and Paille-maille are both derived from the French "pôle mal" which means "bad pole". This was an expression of the frustration, humiliation and emotional degradation associated with using a mallet to get a ball to go through a small hoop dozens of metres away.

In fact, it is little known that Paille-maille was originally designed by the Mongols as a torture device to be used during their empirical rule in the 13th and 14th centuries. The Mongols would force their prisoners of war to play Paille-maille for hours on end, while the guards would stand by and make inane and unhelpful comments, such as "it's a baby ball, come on, it's a baby ball, be gentle, don't hurt the baby ball..." until eventually the prisoner would give up in frustration and submit himself voluntarily to a merciful death, such as castration or having his spine ripped out.

The Mongols eventually moved in to China and brought their torture techniques with them. The Chinese experimented with Paille-maille until eventually it was ruled far too cruel, and was replaced with the Chinese Water torture, bamboo finger nails and various others that are well-known today.

Eventually the torture technique spread throughout the world and various more sadistic societies, such as the French, took it up as a sport for the sheer enjoyment of watching each other suffer. Unexpectedly its popularity soared, and Pall Mall led to Ground Billiards, Croquet, and, eventually modern Golf.

Whenever I feel the urge to play any of these sports, I simply drive a couple of bamboo shafts under my nails and save myself a valuable afternoon.