Ladies and gentlemen... Buckethead!

Q: I know it's cliche but I'm putting together a list of all the things that I want to do before I die.

The thing is, I'm a terrible procrastinator and have already wasted 13 weeks making the list... please help.


A: I've got a counter-question: When are you going to die?

I mean if you're dying of cancer or venereal disease complications in 1 week, lets try to keep your "bucket-list" a little realistic! We may not be adding "solve world hunger", or "write the best symphony the world has ever heard" if you're gonna keel over in less time it takes a tick to raise its young!

Better we put things in there like... keep an empty bowel, so you don't shit the bed when you fade away... and hide (or disguise) your wanking cream - whether it be vaseline, KY or some sort of hand cream with soothing aloe - so your mom doesn't know you're such a horn-bag after you're dead

If you've got a lifetime to live, then you can possibly hope to make the Guiness Book of World records (most likely with some lame stunt that becomes a record because no one is dumb enough to try it before), win a gold medal, or achieve that one thing that escapes most human beings before they die: shagging a supermodel.

These types of concerns are exactly the reason most people don't commit suicide. If you had to achieve all this stuff before you did it, you'd never get the noose around your neck!

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Aussie Born and Bread

Q: Hey Harv sup!!!

Heres a curly one for you - what is the minimum time one must examine loaves of bread at the supermarket to ultimately find the loaf that has no holes in it and is not squashed. I would appreciate your answer because I feel my life could be better spent doing more important things!!!!!

Thx Harv xxx


A: I would guess from your question that you are from Australia, as this is a major concern in your home country.

When the fresh bread arrives at an Aussie supermarket, it has customers salivating more than Pavlov's dogs when they hear Santa's sleigh approaching.

Even in non-peak times, it can resemble the cream puff stand at a 'Fight Obesity' Expo.

I read that bread-related crime in Australia is still on the rise, and in 2008 was 400% higher than any comparable country. The holes you mentioned in your question are usually bullet holes and stab marks from over-zealous shoppers.

I had a cousin bludgeoned to death in an Australian supermarket over a packet of English Muffins and a bag of Damper.

Hence, the best method for buying bread in Australia is to avoid it, and make your own.

This problem does not occur to the same extent in other regions, but every system has it's issues:

• England: if two people approach the bread stand at the same time, they are usually caught in an infinite cycle, "no, after you, I insist" to each other over and over.
• America: people don't use the bread stand at all. Instead they just stand nearby and loudly announce they need bread NOW and wait for someone in customer service to get it for them.
• Europe: people don't have time to get their own bread, as they are too busy drinking, smoking, looking cool and having casual sex.
• Asia: there is a stand in the supermarket that is clearly labelled "bread", but it is invariably stocked with rice.

You've certainly raised a major issue, and I'm glad it had been brought to my readers' collective attention.

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Breeding Frenzy

Q: Hi Harv, I noticed you don't talk too much about your private life, but I'm curious. Do you have any children?

The reason I ask is I just got one and I don't like it at ALL! I'm actually surprised how much I hate the useless little putz. I haven't even named him yet, because all I can think of are derogatory names, like "re-gurge", "snot-flaps" and "ye-olde-blob-of-shit-piss-and-vomit".


A: How ironic, going from a question about death to a question about life!

Dear reader, I couldn't disagree with you more. I've travelled the world and impregnated more women than I could possibly count, even if I used the antique abacus I keep under my pillow.

Actually, you could say it's kind of a hobby of mine. I've impregnated every race, creed, religion and gender that you could possibly conceive of, and many times over each! One time I even impregnated a woman without her knowing about it. I don't want to publish the details and risk her getting wise to my ruse, but let's just say it involved a small cup, some tin-foil and a long piece of dental floss.

The point is, I love children, and I have hundreds! In fact if there are any volunteers out there with a decent-sized womb and child bearing hips, I'm always up for another litter.

Here's a pic of one of my many family get-togethers last year!

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