Aussie Born and Bread

Q: Hey Harv sup!!!

Heres a curly one for you - what is the minimum time one must examine loaves of bread at the supermarket to ultimately find the loaf that has no holes in it and is not squashed. I would appreciate your answer because I feel my life could be better spent doing more important things!!!!!

Thx Harv xxx


A: I would guess from your question that you are from Australia, as this is a major concern in your home country.

When the fresh bread arrives at an Aussie supermarket, it has customers salivating more than Pavlov's dogs when they hear Santa's sleigh approaching.

Even in non-peak times, it can resemble the cream puff stand at a 'Fight Obesity' Expo.

I read that bread-related crime in Australia is still on the rise, and in 2008 was 400% higher than any comparable country. The holes you mentioned in your question are usually bullet holes and stab marks from over-zealous shoppers.

I had a cousin bludgeoned to death in an Australian supermarket over a packet of English Muffins and a bag of Damper.

Hence, the best method for buying bread in Australia is to avoid it, and make your own.

This problem does not occur to the same extent in other regions, but every system has it's issues:

• England: if two people approach the bread stand at the same time, they are usually caught in an infinite cycle, "no, after you, I insist" to each other over and over.
• America: people don't use the bread stand at all. Instead they just stand nearby and loudly announce they need bread NOW and wait for someone in customer service to get it for them.
• Europe: people don't have time to get their own bread, as they are too busy drinking, smoking, looking cool and having casual sex.
• Asia: there is a stand in the supermarket that is clearly labelled "bread", but it is invariably stocked with rice.

You've certainly raised a major issue, and I'm glad it had been brought to my readers' collective attention.