Wrestling with lyrical logic

Q: Just listening to the new Bruce Springsteen album and he mentions "Have you ever seen a one legged dog?" Seems odd...I certainly haven't !!!

A: Yes, dear reader, I have. His name is "Pogo" and he had an unfortunate accident which involved a juicy t-bone steak, a malicious neighbourhood bully, and a lawmower. But he manages to carry on with his one mangled testicle poking out from his backside like a very bad anal haemorroid.

The only remaining leg is a back one, so he has to slide himself forward along the ground in a sort of spastic kicking motion. His lower jaw is worn down quite badly now from contact with the rough ground, so he can't help but lick the dirt as he moves, and sometime he'll get his front canines hooked on a rock and will take hours to shake himself free. Many times, I've caught him struggling to swallow a piece of broken glass or to flop his useless body over a large cliff, but I think he is essentially positive and content with his pointless, deformed existence.

But, now that you mention it, I do have issue with the remaining lyrics of Bruce Springsteen's "The Wrestler". He claims that if I've ever seen a one legged dog then I've seen him. Well the fact is that I did see a one legged dog when I was quite young and had no idea who "The Boss" was -- and it gave me no insight whatsoever into the pop star's appearance.

And before you catch me out, no, it didn't give me any insight into what Mickey Rourke or Marisa Tomei looked like, either.

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Readers or writers, that is the question...

Q: Why do you refer to people who write to you as "readers" when they are "writing" to you. Shouldn't you refer to them as "writers" or perhaps "followers" as in the Twitter domain? I don't read much of this s**t...

A: Good point, let me try it out, dear writer.

No, see, it just doesn't have a good ring to it, does it? It seems a pretty fair assumption that, if you've written a question in, you've quite obviously read the site, haven't you? I mean if you weren't a reader, how could you ever be a writer?

And even if you weren't a reader before this - say, someone gave you the AskHarv email address and you emailed in blind - you're gonna be a reader eventually, aren't you? Because if you're reading this now, I can call you a reader, can't I?

To be honest, you've confounded me somewhat, and now I will have to go to my therapist and get her to give me reaffirming mantras, such as "I am an intelligent, astute and powerfully sexual being" to repeat over and over again.

Thanks for costing me $780 and two hours of my time, dear reader!

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Deathbed Definitions

Q: On his deathbed, my father said to me, "Son, whatever you do in life DON'T shirk, beefle or toodlehop".

For the last 27 years I've been trying to honour his advice... but it's really hard because I don't have a clue what he was talking about.

Perhaps you can help me?


A: Yes, of course I can, dear reader. These are all straighforward slang English language terms.

Shirk: To wear a shirt with a big K on it. This is a fashion no-no unless your name is Kevin, with the nickname "Big Kev".

Beefle: to be led to believe something that is leading you to believe your beliefs are unbelievable. People like this drive me nuts and evidently your father agreed with me.

Toodlehop: To say goodbye on the phone, then restart the conversation over and over again.

Your father was a wise man, and hopefully this will help you straighten out your life. Because if you've been doing any of the above for the past 27 years, your father is gonna hate your guts from beyond the grave.

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Mortality Musings

Q: If I'm gonna die tomorrow, why can't I just die today???

A: I had a friend ask me that exact same question once, and I'll give you the same answer I gave him: you CAN!

It's called suicide and it's a fantastic concept because it gives us all an option to choose the method of our own demise.

When I told me friend this, I added a piece of advice. If you're going to take your own life, you might as well go out with a bang.

Kick a clown in the balls and see if it makes a comical honking sound before shooting your face off. Eat your cat and grin at yourself in the mirror before flattening your testicles with a steam iron and bleeding out. Calculate a divide-by-zero and multiply the N/A result by 10, THEN drop your intestines onto the floor with a Katana.

Of course, my friend chose, possibly unwisely, to donkey-punch a Vietnamese hooker, drench himself in urine, and run around the local mall screaming "I am the ORACLE" -- I assume he'll get back to killing himself by throwing ninja stars at his own face when he gets out of prison.

Anyhow, the idea is: be creative. Death is a once-off experience, so do something crazy in your last moments.

I wish you the best of luck with your self-immolation.

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Latin language lapse

Q: There are many words for sexually active women, such as slut, whore, or tart. What are the equivalent words for men?

A: You've picked up on a rather hypocritical English language deficiency here, one which often bothers women in Western cultures.

There are very few words to describe promiscuous men with negative connotations.

However, while this is a language problem shared by most Latin-based dialects, it does not apply to most other languages. Here are a few examples:

• The Arabic "Ackkharr bashdikkhar", which means, "he who sharpens his sword and uses it to slice many ovaries."
• The Hebrew word "Manditara-hassar", which translates to, "he who is likely to, and fully deserves to, have his penis rot off from AIDS or Syphillis."
• The Cantonese word "Dik wok dong willy dik-dok", which means "a man who would enjoy rape, paedophilia and necrophilia if his partner were unwilling, underage, or dead."

However, sexual liberation should be viewed as a positive thing, and instead of adding negative words for sexually promiscuous men, perhaps we should endeavour to endear words such as slut, tart and whore with positive connotations. We can do this in our own lives by simply beginning to use the words in positive light.

Maybe call your mum and greet her with a simple, "Hey slut, what's going down?". Visit your grandma in the nursing home, don a wide grin, and repeatedly refer to her as a massive hoe in front of staff and friends. Or even help promote your favourite female government representative by putting up sign that proclaims her as "the smartest old tart in politics."

Initially, such language usage would probably be frowned upon, but if you manage to avoid injury and jail-time, you'll be furthering the noble cause to unbias the English language permanently.

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Veronica is a whore

Q: I've heard that some men are lazy, impotent morons who couldn't even get it up for a supermodel. Is that true?

A: Yes, Veronica, that is true. However it is also true that some women are annoying, insatiable, alcoholic hypocrites who should just shut their whore mouths instead of harrassing their ex-husbands with banal questions.

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