Mortality Musings

Q: If I'm gonna die tomorrow, why can't I just die today???

A: I had a friend ask me that exact same question once, and I'll give you the same answer I gave him: you CAN!

It's called suicide and it's a fantastic concept because it gives us all an option to choose the method of our own demise.

When I told me friend this, I added a piece of advice. If you're going to take your own life, you might as well go out with a bang.

Kick a clown in the balls and see if it makes a comical honking sound before shooting your face off. Eat your cat and grin at yourself in the mirror before flattening your testicles with a steam iron and bleeding out. Calculate a divide-by-zero and multiply the N/A result by 10, THEN drop your intestines onto the floor with a Katana.

Of course, my friend chose, possibly unwisely, to donkey-punch a Vietnamese hooker, drench himself in urine, and run around the local mall screaming "I am the ORACLE" -- I assume he'll get back to killing himself by throwing ninja stars at his own face when he gets out of prison.

Anyhow, the idea is: be creative. Death is a once-off experience, so do something crazy in your last moments.

I wish you the best of luck with your self-immolation.