Proximity Alert

Q: Why do people you love hurt you?

A: Ah, the classic conundrum!

Let me answer your question with another question, dear reader: Who else is going to hurt you -- people you hate?

I'm assuming here that you're relatively normal and don't go out of your way to surround yourself with people whom you utterly despise? Are you making the age-old mistake of hanging out with pedophiles, necrophiliacs or perhaps Veronica?

If so, that's gonna be a problem, because those dudes will most likely rape you -- regardless of age, gender or pulse.

If that's not the case, then who else has access? You guessed it, the people you love!

So it's generally a matter of proximity.

It's probably true that your enemies would like nothing more than to punch you in the throat and push you into a pile of garbage while you're gagging for air. But if you don't let them close to you, collapsing your windpipe with a swift karate punch is simply not an option.

Honestly, the easiest way to not get hurt is to be cool like Fonzie (and myself) and not care about anything.

[starts jukebox with a casual bump of the elbow]

Eeeeeeh!


PS: I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't also mention the possibility that the people you love do, indeed, hate you. Perhaps they are the types that subscribe to "keep your enemies close"?

I wouldn't advise you to get paranoid, but it's entirely possible that they are all out to get you. Perhaps they even have secret meetings about how to best make your life utter hell while you're out experimenting on your cats, or watching torture porn. You just never know for sure.

KEEP ALL YOUR EYES OPEN!

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Ring-a-Ring-a-Smokey!

Q: I'm very unpopular in my school, and get my face pounded into a wet, fleshy pulp every lunchtime. I'm already blind in one eye and can no longer lick ice-creams.

I figure the best solution is to take up smoking and learn how to blow smoke rings like the cool kids do. I just can't work out how to do it!

Help me Harv!


A: Being way too intelligent to ever take up smoking, I did not have the answer to your question at hand.

However, I don't like to leave a question unanswered on AskHarv, so I have been conducting experiments in my lab the past fortnight. I have been able to work out how to blow smoke rings, and it's not as difficult as you may think, once you know the trick.

Before you face your friends and attempt to impress them, you need to do a bit of preparation. You'll need:

• 1 elastic band
• 3 rolls of electrical tape
• 3.2 kms of copper wire
• 1 breathing apparatus (a regular rebreather would be fine)
• 2 18 ft tall steel pylons
• a lead shield, at least 19 inches thick
• 2 power sources capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts (a couple of small, modern power plants would do)

Simply relocate or construct the two power plants either side of your school, wrap the pylons in copper wire, fire up the power, and position yourself at a perfectly equidistant point between the two.

When you light up a cigarette at this location, you'll find the smoke is affected by the electromagnetic field to form all sorts of circular shapes, such as ovals, spheres, 4th-dimensional planes, and, of course, the ever-elusive rings you desire!

To impress your friends further, you'll find the trick also has a number of impressive side-effects, such as:

• Creating shimmering pockets of white light and unpredictable weather conditions
• Transporting objects and creatures from parallel dimensions to our world
• Completely disintegrating people's atoms in less than a nanosecond
• Opening unstable worm-holes, thus sending organic, sentient beings (well any that you haven't already disintegrated) careering randomly through space-time
  
• The smoke may also become self-aware and develop consciousness

A word of warning, though: you may find the electromagnets generate a lot of heat.

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Be a gentleman, biyatch!

Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry.

How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?


A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.

The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".

And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.

It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.

Or, even better, an actual rock star called RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.

Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?

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I'm back!

Q: Harv, where have you been? We need you! You haven't answered my question about impotence and two girlfriends have left me in the meantime... one of which I quite liked.


A: Well, dear reader, this email reached me just as I arrived home from my various travels. I covered some of the most obscure corners of the globe, but let me give you a few highlights:

• Saving whales on the east coast of Antarctica, then sucking the delicious blubber direct from small stab wounds in their still-breathing bellies -- before sending them back into the ocean with their new-found weight loss and mobility. Of course this was all part of the marketing campaign for Gwenneth Paltrow's patented Cigarette Ash and Abalone diet. When you see the TV spots, you'll understand.
• Winning the confidence of famously skittish male Ferret Monkeys in the Amazon and being the first to talk to them about their long-standing misogyny issues in a time of a declining female population. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding.
• Wooing one of the tribeswomen of the Alaskan Inupak tribes, and finally gaining acceptance after a courting process of 7 months. I was subsequently asked to perform a final feat of dedication to prove my worth. I was surprised to learn it involved plummeting to certain death off the precipice of a local cliff face. I was in love, so I agreed, and as I stepped off the edge, I had barely a notion of danger or regret in my head. At the last moment, my bride relented and grabbed my arm to stop me. It was too late and we both toppled off the cliff face. If it wasn't for her landing between the rocks and my own body, I can't imagine I would be writing this answer today.

Dear readers, this time the answer is simple: I'm back.

I'm heart broken and probably not the same man you knew; shooting off positive whims of wisdom at the drop of a hat. But I'm here again, at your service, and ready to answer your questions. Fire away!

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Veronica is a whore

Q: I've heard that some men are lazy, impotent morons who couldn't even get it up for a supermodel. Is that true?

A: Yes, Veronica, that is true. However it is also true that some women are annoying, insatiable, alcoholic hypocrites who should just shut their whore mouths instead of harrassing their ex-husbands with banal questions.

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Friendly Fling

Q: Is it ok to have sex with your toyboy's best friend if toyboy has decided he only wants you for a fling?

A: Not only is it ok, but in some cultures it would be expected.

For instance, in the Mayan culture in 2000 BC, assumed every woman would have both a husband and several sex slaves. The husband would prefer that his friends were used as sex slaves, because he could keep an eye on them and spread the love of his good wife to people he knew. In fact, by 200BC, when the Mayan culture was exiting the Preclassic period, sexual orgies involving several family groups were common and encouraged.

How do we know this? Fossils were discovered recently that involve 4-5 skeletons in complex sexual positions, such as the "tri-way 69", "dirty quadrangle with observer" or "sexy surprise six-pack". I have included a picture of one of the tamer configurations.

There are even theorists that believe the bizarre sexual activity of the Mayans was ultimately responsible for the culture's collapse. What a way to go, though.

Makes the supposed sexual liberation of our time seem kind of redundant, doesn't it?

So go ahead and sleep with your toyboy's friend. Chances are your toyboy will thank you for it in the long run.

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Tipsy tomfoolery

Q: Its 2am and I is pissed. Everyone else is sleeping in bed and I feel a need to comment on peoples latest Facebook status. Should I just go to bed or get another drink??

A: If you're drunk, commenting on peoples' Facebook status can be hours of fun.

However, I've found, after a nice bottle of Pinot, tagging photos with incorrect information is far more rewarding.

For instance, my attractive female friend once posted a sexy photo of herself, in which you could clearly see her nipple through her blouse. I immediately tagged the nipple with the name of an extremely conservative Facebook friend. I could imagine his surprise when he opened up his Facebook in the morning and saw that his name was attached to a nipple! Haha!

When I found out he had been out of town and offline for 2 weeks and had given his wife access to his account in his absence, I was, naturally, quite surprised. I was also surprised to learn that they had become divorced and were arguing over custody of their 7 children (in the end they got half each, which was painful for the middle child).

So, in answer to your question, go to bed and never give your wife access to your Facebook account.

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Love leper

Q: Hi - how should a 33 year old single mother go about picking up some weekly casual cuddling/sex?

A: You present your question as if your age and situation are disadvantages. Perhaps in a vast majority of male eyes they are, but let me tell you from experience that there is someone for everyone out there.

I once met an extremely obese girl who was virtually swimming in offers for sex, relationships and even marriage.

Personally, I found her appearance - with her metal-shop-teacher arms, papier-mâché midriff and seventeen-point-two chins - distasteful, repugnant and nauseating, so I asked her out of curiosity how she did it. She said she had simply found a website that offered to hook up freakish male fetishists with the chubby funsters they craved.

Sadly, she is no longer with us, as one of her suitors turned out to be a serial killer who liked to take the fat from overweight women and deep-fry their eyeballs in it.

Not to worry, though - the internet is a great and fun way to turn what you see as disadvantages into advantages. Because, cliched as it sounds, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

If all else fails, I have a one-legged, mentally-retarded, midget half-brother called Norkie who's hard-pressed for a date. He's does have a horrifically vicious violent streak, but would be much more grateful for the attention than a "normal" guy. His penis seems to function fine when he rubs warm wasabe all over his body and masturbates like a wild orang utan.

We keep him confined to a padded room in my sister's basement, but we could set up a foam table with plastic wine glasses and cutlery for a nice candlelit dinner. Actually scratch the candles, as the sight of fire sometimes makes him scream incessantly for weeks.

Worth some thought in a pinch.

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It's in the game

Q: What should you do if the person you are having an affair with gets cross because you don't text him during his girlfriend weekends about your computer problems but then fails to respond to a text asking who a person on facebook is during a girlfriend weekend? Aren't they both as impersonal as the other? Especially since computer issues imply fixing which imply a home visit?

A: Your situation is so complex even I am not sure if I understand the question properly! Is this guy your boyfriend, or your IT support technician?

However, assuming the former, you've given me enough to go on to suggest your next move. You're obviously in a game-playing relationship, so play some games, girl! Mess with him a little! Get with the program!

Here are some fun suggestions:

• Invite him over for coffee and then drink a coffee in front of him and ask him to leave.
• Let yourself into his house and slightly move every object on his desk.
• Have sex with his mail-man and never tell him about it.
• Tell him he got you pregnant, then hold up a deformed, blood-stained coat hanger and sob uncontrollably.

I've got more, but I'm saving them for my ex-girlfriend Veronica.

Yes, Veronica, you've got it coming.

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A bit of a downer

Q: How can you make a guy go down on you? Or better yet, if you've been down on him how do you ask why he hasn't on you? And prepare yourself for a brutal answer?

A: In caveman times, women would simply grab a male by the ears, position his head, and then slowly begin to twist. Eventually the man would yeild in the face of having his ears torn off.

Granted, this typically occurred after the male had slammed the female over the head with a makeshift hammer (usually a coconut attached to the end of a stick) and raped her repeatedly.

Things were tough in caveman times, but remarkably simple.

The modern equivalent of this would be to hold back from cooking your man a meal, or washing his clothes, until he has given you the oral sex you require. Soon his washing basket will begin to overflow and his stomach will begin to rumble, and he will instigate radical behaviour modification in an effort to change the outcomes.

Once he stumbles across the answer - oral sex = food & washing done - he will be going down on you at every opportunity.

Trust me, talk is overated.

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Are we doing it yet?

Q: What should one do if a penis is too small to be felt in the vagina during intercourse but is otherwise quite pleasant and easy to perform oral sex and handjobs on?

A: Now, Veronica, I thought I asked you nicely not to email in about our personal lives.

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Female form-ula

Q: What is it about the female form that drives men crazy?

I have $50K to spend on reconstruction and I want to use my money wisely.

A: Since your sign off is a non-gender-specific name, I am unable to determine if you are contemplating a sex change, or just enhancement surgery.

Either way, if you want to drive men crazy, the same principals apply. Start with the breasts. Men really like breasts. Often men will tell you they like buttocks, but the truth is they only like buttocks because they look like breasts and are confusing them. The truth is, anthropologically speaking, men are programmed to look for traits that uniquely identify a potential mating partner as the opposite sex. Breasts are the best indication of this, as the only men who have breasts are extremely overweight and can be immediately ruled out as sexual partners. Plus, these are often easily identified as moobs (man-boobs) and not those exquisite, baby-feeding love-humps on a woman's chest known as breasts.

I can tell you this, though: one thing that does NOT drive men crazy is a spliced penis, turned inside out and twisted inside the abdomen to mimick a vagina. I would never advocate dishonesty in sexual relations, but you might want to keep that part to yourself unless presented with a very specific, unambiguous question.

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When a yearbook is just a yearbook

Q: When is the best time to tell a girl you don't love her? Before or after she's shown you her high school yearbook?

A: I have searched Google and Urban Dictionary, because I know how tricky you kids can be with your slang and euphemisms.

There were no hits for "show you her high school yearbook" (I did, however, find plenty of links to High School Musical 2, and candid pictures of Vanessa Hudgens with no clothes on) so I'm assuming you mean literally show you the yearbook from her high school.

If that's the case, then I'm not aware of any relationship between high school yearbooks and expressing lack of interest in a girl. If I were you I'd wait as long as possible to tell her, as it may cause disappointment and leads her to lose interest in sex.

On a personal note, the time to leave is not about when she shows you her high school yearbook; it's about when she starts setting the dogs on you every time you try to visit her house.

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Flawed fling: an update

Q: I recently spoke to Cocky 22 who said to me over the phone 'let me give you a hint - I like the chase'. This from the same brain who expects me to speak for 3hrs on the phone, take an interest in his life, be funny etc without him having to do a thing! What should be my response?

A: He seems to be trying to give you a hint here. Let me just gaze into my crystall ball here and see... oh it seems he likes the chase!

But seriously, if he likes the chase, give him one. Move to Bolivia.

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Flawed fling

Q: I am currently enjoying an illicit affair with a very cocky 22 year old who currently has a girlfriend.

Cocky 22 constantly makes remarks such as 'it wouldn't be ok with me if you were seeing someone else' etc etc. This gives me the idea that he wants more. These comments have been going on for weeks. I eventually responded in kind by saying that I like the 'idea' of us being exclusive. He responded to this by saying he's not breaking up with his girlfriend anytime soon and promptly removed his arms from me.

Why?

A: English philosopher Phil Collins (not the singer) once said privately to his wife: relationships should be enjoyed for their flaws, even more so than their successes.

This is very fortunate for you, as this sounds like one of the most flawed relationships I have come across -- there's another woman, he's cocky and evasive, he wants hypocritical terms.

Phil would find plenty to enjoy there!

Did I miss something? Perhaps we are all dead and he is the last man left on the planet?

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A poet - with more than one noet

Q: What do you think of my latest poem?

Alexia cum, Alexia go, I cum all over her tum.
Feeling happy. Feeling ok! Then Haha! Itchy balls!
Laugh at me? Diseased whore!
If only you visited the doctor more.
Love you, warts and all?

But I fret not cos I've got Harv, my own doc,
Soothing, calming, he is my rock.
I wish I could be like him. But I am nothing.
Eat plastic spoons till my gums bleed.

A: Well, AskHarv's resident poet, thanks for posting again. I think you realise by now that I'm already a fan of your work.

But you've simply outdone yourself here. This poem personifies passion and exposes the deepest recesses of humanity in a way I have never seen before.

I'm not even going to urge you to seek publishers again. I'm going to assume you're published already.

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Anyone seen a dancing star fish?

Q: I've found that girls who dance well are much better at having sex. Girls who show no rhythmical ability or aesthetic beauty when dancing to music are less satisfying to me even if they are smokin hot. Do you agree? I'll take an average looking chick with the dope moves over a smokin hot starfish any day.

A: I will not comment on the statement that you are considering having sex with a starfish, except to caution you that they have tiny, dagger-like bones jutting out of their skin.

Dancing is often considered a rehearsal or preview of the sex act, so I'm not surprised about your preference at all. I once slept with an extremely overweight woman because I liked the way she jiggled.

However, a common mistake men make is thinking that the phenomenon is reciprocated. Women have no interest in the way men dance, and are most often turned off by the attempt, no matter how successful it may be.

Women's sexual response is triggered exclusively by her olfactory senses, so don some Old Spice by all means, but sit the hell down no matter how much you like the song.

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Brotherly love

Q: I know two brothers who are constantly bickering. By way of insult one calls the other "Popsy", to which the brother will inevitably retort "Tank Top". Which insult do you think is worse, and is "Tank Top" really an overriding come-back for "Popsy"?

A: Using the DiPaco's sliding scale of insult impact, Popsy rates a 3.14. Tank Top rates a 2.93. However, when the scale is applied to the combination of the two insults, we get a 3.43.

So Popsy beats tank top as a stand alone insult, while Tank Top tops Popsy as a retort.

Note that the DiPaco sliding scale has no upper or lower limit.

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Swine violence

Q: With the recent swine flu epidemic, I have had an urge to punch people in the throat everytime they sneeze anywhere near me. Is my urge justified?

A: Yes, it is most certainly justified, albeit mildly psychotic.

If you decide to act on this impulse, may I suggest doing so when law enforcement professionals are nowhere in sight.

Also, you might want to consider punching stray sneezers in the nose instead, as this would have a good chance of blocking their nasal cavity, thus disabling their ability to spread the infection for 24 hours or more.

I wish you luck on your endeavours.

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Fug wants a date

Q: My friend recently started going on dating websites. They always ask for a profile picture saying it increases your chances. So he says anyway, I wouldn't know. He keeps asking if it's wrong to use a picture of someone else. Can you give him some advice so I can get him to stop nagging me??

A: For simplicity's sake, let's give your friend a nickname, ok? Let's call him "you".

Thanks for enclosing the photo of yourself, as this has greatly coloured my answer on this one.

You are a horrifically unattractive man, and I cannot in good conscience advise you to spread photographs of yourself anywhere for public consumption. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that if you do show that photo to anyone else, I would feel obliged to call the police.

So yes, please, use a photo of your favourite porn star, because no one wants to see a face that closely resembles a dropped breakfast.

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