Answering the Bone-A-Phone

Q: I am a chronic masturbator.

Help.

A: Well, dear reader, when I decide to "Charm the Cobra", I like to start by lighting a few scented candles, running a bath, and lathering up my whole body with aromatic oils, lavendar and aloe. I take it slow and really romance myself, as this hightens the pleasure later when I get to the business end of the night.

Try laying down a few rose petals or fitting your bed with satin sheets. I find pastel-coloured velvet on the walls helps immensely.

But most of all, lubricate well, or you'll get choad-chafing, and will have to wait for it to heal before you can do it all over again.

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Dream on!

Q: Why do I keep having dreams about a talking lizard with a big head who seems terrifying at first but when he bites me he has no teeth and then a miniature aligator comes and stomps on him and in the end I feel sorry for him?

A: You're masturbating too much. Cut it out, kid.

Just kidding, this is actually a classic insecurity dream for people with small genitals. My advice? Get thyself to Thailand, I hear it's cheaper there.

Oh and steer clear of drugs if you're not already on them.

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Dutch rudder fan seeks next level... again

Q: It seems you already answered my question as to what a dutch rudder is but what is a dutch anchor ?

A: Haha, you've misinterpreted the phrase! A Dutch Anchor is literally an anchor used in the 2nd World War by the dutch.

Many believe it is a Dutch Rudder (see previous post) performed between a midget and a very tall man, but this is an interpretation that has not permeated pop culture enough to be considered a definition.

Yet.

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Wanking shrinkage

Q: Why do my testicles retract into my stomach when I masturbate??

A: Dear reader, while it can be disconcerting when any part of your body changes size without an obvious cause, this is nothing to worry about. It's usually just a sign of your body being very grateful for what you are doing to it.

Your testicles are actually little sacs of blood dangling in your scrotum. When you get en erection, the blood is pumped from these sacs to your penis. Hence your balls get smaller and your penis gets larger.

Note though that, if your balls ever end up becoming a vaccuum, despite the obviously impressive penis size you'll achieve, you do need to consult a medical professional.

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Dutch rudder fan seeks next level

Q: I watched a movie the other day and it referred to a Dutch Rudder. I checked Yahoo Answers and it said it was a shipping manouvre.

A: Yes, but if Yahoo Answers was always correct, we wouldn't need Ask Harv, would we?

The truth is the reader already knows what a dutch rudder is, having performed it many times. It's a simple Google search to find out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dutch+rudder.

So I can only assume, dear reader, that you're looking for the next level.

That would be a "Double Dutch Rudder", or "DDR", which is defined as "the process or action of two men standing facing each other, each with his right hand around his own penis, then they place their left hand on the elbow of their friends right elbow, then they simultaneously move the friends right elbow back/forth with their left hand causing the friend to masturbate."

It's important to note that this act is NOT difinitively homosexual, but is considered an option by many heterosexual males in female deprived situations, such as prison, being a nerd, or meeting the first person since your mum.

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