Answering the Bone-A-Phone
Q: I am a chronic masturbator.
Help.
A: Well, dear reader, when I decide to "Charm the Cobra", I like to start by lighting a few scented candles, running a bath, and lathering up my whole body with aromatic oils, lavendar and aloe. I take it slow and really romance myself, as this hightens the pleasure later when I get to the business end of the night.
Try laying down a few rose petals or fitting your bed with satin sheets. I find pastel-coloured velvet on the walls helps immensely.
But most of all, lubricate well, or you'll get choad-chafing, and will have to wait for it to heal before you can do it all over again.
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