More Interesting Than Watching Paint Dry!

Q: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A: Yes! And what does one do with a painting of four billion stars?

Great question, dear reader! This syndrome is a well-known aspect of human thought processes (or lack thereof) called the "Ignorami Factor", first described by the brilliant philanthropic egomaniac Ignatious Ignorami.

Basically, what the principle infers is that humans are more susceptible to accepting unverifiable facts when they are larger and more elaborate.

In even simpler terms: the bigger the lie, the more likely people are to believe it.

This can be seen in many aspects of modern life, and many "facts" presented to us by popular culture and the media. Some examples:

• Money makes the world go round. But, yeah, isn't it also the root of all evil. So what then? Is the world evil?
  (note: I actually think this particular contradiction was due to a simple typo. I'll let you decide if it should have been "monkey makes the world go round" or "monkey is the root of all evil.")
• Michael Jackson is dead. Yah, er... ok, suuure he is. But first he made a DVD and a couple of new songs! In no way has that been convenient for him and his estate!
• The tragedy of 9-11 was perpetuated by terrorists. Oh really!? If you could see how much evidence I had to indicate it was an act of war by an alien species, your heart would probably stop.
• Veronica is not a whore. I assure you all, dear readers, she most certainly is.

I could go on. To be honest, following a childhood incident with a hot iron, some black duck feathers and an oversized novelty hammer, I have been fighting this syndrome myself for many years, but my nature is to verify every fact for myself.

So, yes, I have counted the stars and it's nowhere near four billion!

I also verified Michael Jackson's "death", and... well... I can't reveal too much of that because it might involve illegally exhuming his corpse, which I definitely DIDN'T do.

And I have those happy snaps to prove the Veronica thing. Who wants to see them?

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Ozone Slayer

Q: I heard somewhere that global warming is a scam and we're not at risk. Care to weigh in, Harv?

A: I'm afraid you're misinformed, dear reader. Global warming -- or, termed more correctly, climate change -- is very real and may even prove to be more of an immediate peril than we originally thought.

The solution, however is fuel for much debate. It is unfortunately the case that scientists do not fully understand the causes of climate change, and cannot agree on a solution.

I, of course do know the solution but have been having trouble drumming up support for it, as it does go against the grain of the majority of thinking on the subject. NATO have tried to silence me on the issue, but NATO can go drink pig's vomit and vomit it on their own balls, because I'm 100% certain of myself on this.

After many decades of research, I am convinced the answer lies in INCREASING our carbon emissions, POLLUTING our environment in every way possible, and completely ERADICATING that pesky ozone layer ASAP. EXTINCT all cute furry animals, too, while you're at it.

The scientific principles behind my theory are incredibly complex and impossible to explain to a layman audience.

But here's the gist of it: think of the Earth like a person who has lost his memory due to a bump on the head... We all know from movies that the only way to restore their memory is to hit them again. And harder.

So, Earth, brace yourself for a frypan to the cranium, coz this is gonna hurt!

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Ring-a-Ring-a-Smokey!

Q: I'm very unpopular in my school, and get my face pounded into a wet, fleshy pulp every lunchtime. I'm already blind in one eye and can no longer lick ice-creams.

I figure the best solution is to take up smoking and learn how to blow smoke rings like the cool kids do. I just can't work out how to do it!

Help me Harv!


A: Being way too intelligent to ever take up smoking, I did not have the answer to your question at hand.

However, I don't like to leave a question unanswered on AskHarv, so I have been conducting experiments in my lab the past fortnight. I have been able to work out how to blow smoke rings, and it's not as difficult as you may think, once you know the trick.

Before you face your friends and attempt to impress them, you need to do a bit of preparation. You'll need:

• 1 elastic band
• 3 rolls of electrical tape
• 3.2 kms of copper wire
• 1 breathing apparatus (a regular rebreather would be fine)
• 2 18 ft tall steel pylons
• a lead shield, at least 19 inches thick
• 2 power sources capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts (a couple of small, modern power plants would do)

Simply relocate or construct the two power plants either side of your school, wrap the pylons in copper wire, fire up the power, and position yourself at a perfectly equidistant point between the two.

When you light up a cigarette at this location, you'll find the smoke is affected by the electromagnetic field to form all sorts of circular shapes, such as ovals, spheres, 4th-dimensional planes, and, of course, the ever-elusive rings you desire!

To impress your friends further, you'll find the trick also has a number of impressive side-effects, such as:

• Creating shimmering pockets of white light and unpredictable weather conditions
• Transporting objects and creatures from parallel dimensions to our world
• Completely disintegrating people's atoms in less than a nanosecond
• Opening unstable worm-holes, thus sending organic, sentient beings (well any that you haven't already disintegrated) careering randomly through space-time
  
• The smoke may also become self-aware and develop consciousness

A word of warning, though: you may find the electromagnets generate a lot of heat.

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Down in the Dumps

Q: Hello Mr esteemed AskHarv dude, I got a question. You know when all dogs go to do the #2, why do they squat? Why can't they just do the deed standing up? I've always wondered about this, looking forward to your forthcoming outstanding answer.

A: Dear reader, dogs do all sorts of weird stuff, don't they? They smell each other's asses, chase their tails, and play in traffic with the assumed goal of getting run over by a massive truck and squeezing their bowels out through their mouths.

You are right to ponder the mysteries of probably the most spastic and ill-considered animal in all of God's realms.

This particular behavior is purely a physical one. Dogs have nerve-endings connected to particular parts of their bodies that force involuntary muscle contractions when stimulated. You would have seen a dog's leg twitch when it's belly is scratched; this is a similar reaction. Try tickling a dog's anus and you'll see his stomach and back muscles contract uncontrollably, causing the very hunch you mention.

Actually, funny story, I once knew a puppeteer who got drunk and decided to experiment on his own pet puppy. He attached 17 small feathers to various known sensitive zones on his dog's body and wired them up to various buttons on a remote control. He was able to make the dog walk, sit, lick it's own ear and even head-butt itself, just by pressing the right sequence of buttons on the remote.

He is currently performing his bizarre but entertaining "Puppetized Puppy" act at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow.

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Note-worthy Question!

Q: Hello Harv, I am in Pilippines now. My probins Leyte.

I ask why I can never find 200 piso notes here in my country? Why make note but not use? I like green color.

Tnx po, love AskHarv website!

A: Interesting question, dear reader! I have been unable to get accurate information on exactly how many 200 peso notes there are currently in circulation, which means it probably does not exist, but I can answer why the note was created and then subsequently not included in further print-runs.

Once officials released the commemorative note in 2002, it was quickly discovered that it drastically reduced the amount of bribe revenue coming in to police and government officials, as it provided an alternative denomination to the previously well-established and convenient bribe-standard, the p500 note.

This caused many corrupt officials to be unable to feed their families and led to threats of industrial action and work-stoppages.

Interestingly, the government is now considering phasing out the p500 and replacing it with a p720 banknote to boost bribe revenue again.

There is already a design proposed for the new note:

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Speakers now, or forever lose the peace..

Q: Why do people persist with listening to their phones thru the shitty internal speaker? It sounds crappy and annoys the hell out of everyone around them.

Has consideration for other people been squashed? Whats wrong with society today?


A: I have long lobbied Nokia to adopt my special micro-speaker technology, which can produce professional quality sound from an electromagnetic diode no larger than a thumb tack. I am willing to give it away for free to solve this very problem.

But you're right, this is all part of a larger problem. Not only do people listen to poor quality sound in public places, but they display other discourtesies that are simply not becoming of a gentleman, and make life in public areas almost intolerable.

For example:

• Farting in elevators has risen 26% in the past 3 years.
• The volume of patrons' chewing in restaurants has doubled in the space of 5 years.
• People throwing their own faeces on public transportation has become a measurable statistic, with 4.2% of the population engaged in the activity.
• Reach-arounds in homosexual relationships have dropped 17% in 18 months.
• The number of female celebrities doing nude scenes has declined to 7 per year in Hollywood.

It really is a sorry state of affairs. Gentlemen -- such as you and I, dear reader -- are a dying breed. It won't be long before a trip to the supermarket involves a mugging, cursory rape, and a thorough tar-and-feathering to boot!

Sometimes I wonder if I should devote my considerable genius to the eradication of the human race. But then I realise we've been doing that for generations already, and it's a project that is already proving effective.

Then I sleep well at night.

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On a roll...

Q: Why is it that no-one understands my need of having the toilet paper over the top rather than underneath? How do you like it Harv?


A: No one understands it, because they don't have a doctorate in psychology, and hence cannot understand that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You are also probably a complete hoarder, am I right?

"Turd Burglar" magazine hosts an annual poll on exactly this subject. Up until 2002, the results were pretty much 50-50. In 2003, they added a third response, which was "I care even less about this than the possibility Lindsay Lohan will be molested and eaten by a gang of horny bears with lion claws and shark teeth in her LA home".

Since then, the latter response has received 97.2% support.

As for my own preference? Well, I invented an automatic dispenser which deploys toilet paper directly onto my asshole whenever it detects faecal matter. It also charges my iPod.

And I roll it in the middle. But I'm not going to tell you how I do it.

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Hard Up for Advice!

Q: I have an external USB hard drive that hosts all of my porn. One day I inadvertently ejaculated onto it, knocking it off the desk and onto the floor. When I tried to boot it up again, it had simply stopped working.

I desperately need to get it back, and fast!

I read somewhere you can freeze a hard drive to revive it, but, alas, this did not help me with my problem.

What else can I try?


A: There are many ways to recover lost data, depending on the type of problem you have come across (no pun intended, since you're recovering porn here).

Freezing can work, but if you've tried this already to no avail, here are a few other solutions:

1) It's a little known fact that hard drives contain organic matter. Sometimes simply talking to the hard drive in a calm but firm manner can yield results. I once talked a hard drive into giving up it's valuable data, even after it had been trampled by camels, burnt up in a house fire, and touched in the wrong way by Lindsay Lohan.

2) Water it. I know, it sounds crazy, but water it.

3) Take it to high altitudes. I had a hard drive once that hadn't worked for years. I carried it around with me regardless, as it had private pictures of myself and Veronica on it. However, one winter, I just happened to be ascending Everest, fired up the laptop and, lo and behold, there were the compromising pictures! I immediately rang Veronica and made her sexually humiliate her new rock star boyfriend over the phone so I could listen. He whined like a little girl the whole time and ended up sobbing in a corner, rocking back and forth, hugging himself. It was very satisfying!

4) Threaten it with a knife, or, even better, a gun. If it knows what's good for it, it'll give you your data back. Beware, though, that if you do shoot a hard drive, you may make matters worse, so this is last resort stuff.

You really need to take better care of your porn. I keep mine on a RAID quad-redundancy 32-bank hot-swappable SAN drive array, encased in titanium coated with lead and protected by two massive Maori armed guards 24/7. You can never be too careful.

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Egg-cellent question!

Q: Why do Christians give chocolate eggs during Easter?

A: Easter is a celebration of the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hence, the giving of an egg is a highly symbolic during this time, as eggs represent the testicles required to produce new life. In simpler times, eggs were given, yes, but basically anything round would do. Sometimes people would give passionfruits, golf balls, or even scotch eggs (one of my favourites).

In medieval times, often men would even go so far as to give their actual testicles to each other. This was before it was understood that switching testicles would actually make a man completely infertile.

You've probably heard the term "a shot to the pills", which refers to a swift kick to the testicles? Well, did you know that the Catholic church actually considered making pills the symbolic gift of Easter before coming up with the more palatable idea of the chocolate egg?

For a couple of years there, people were exchanging bottles of Prosac, Xanax, and even Ecstacy -- until it was realised that Easter celebration had become a bunch of zonked out losers sitting around watching the curtains move slightly in the breeze and giggling.

So be grateful for the Easter celebration we have now. Because it could just as easily consist of cutting your own balls off, getting f***ed up on pills, and throwing golf balls at each other.

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Ladies and gentlemen... Buckethead!

Q: I know it's cliche but I'm putting together a list of all the things that I want to do before I die.

The thing is, I'm a terrible procrastinator and have already wasted 13 weeks making the list... please help.


A: I've got a counter-question: When are you going to die?

I mean if you're dying of cancer or venereal disease complications in 1 week, lets try to keep your "bucket-list" a little realistic! We may not be adding "solve world hunger", or "write the best symphony the world has ever heard" if you're gonna keel over in less time it takes a tick to raise its young!

Better we put things in there like... keep an empty bowel, so you don't shit the bed when you fade away... and hide (or disguise) your wanking cream - whether it be vaseline, KY or some sort of hand cream with soothing aloe - so your mom doesn't know you're such a horn-bag after you're dead

If you've got a lifetime to live, then you can possibly hope to make the Guiness Book of World records (most likely with some lame stunt that becomes a record because no one is dumb enough to try it before), win a gold medal, or achieve that one thing that escapes most human beings before they die: shagging a supermodel.

These types of concerns are exactly the reason most people don't commit suicide. If you had to achieve all this stuff before you did it, you'd never get the noose around your neck!

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Aussie Born and Bread

Q: Hey Harv sup!!!

Heres a curly one for you - what is the minimum time one must examine loaves of bread at the supermarket to ultimately find the loaf that has no holes in it and is not squashed. I would appreciate your answer because I feel my life could be better spent doing more important things!!!!!

Thx Harv xxx


A: I would guess from your question that you are from Australia, as this is a major concern in your home country.

When the fresh bread arrives at an Aussie supermarket, it has customers salivating more than Pavlov's dogs when they hear Santa's sleigh approaching.

Even in non-peak times, it can resemble the cream puff stand at a 'Fight Obesity' Expo.

I read that bread-related crime in Australia is still on the rise, and in 2008 was 400% higher than any comparable country. The holes you mentioned in your question are usually bullet holes and stab marks from over-zealous shoppers.

I had a cousin bludgeoned to death in an Australian supermarket over a packet of English Muffins and a bag of Damper.

Hence, the best method for buying bread in Australia is to avoid it, and make your own.

This problem does not occur to the same extent in other regions, but every system has it's issues:

• England: if two people approach the bread stand at the same time, they are usually caught in an infinite cycle, "no, after you, I insist" to each other over and over.
• America: people don't use the bread stand at all. Instead they just stand nearby and loudly announce they need bread NOW and wait for someone in customer service to get it for them.
• Europe: people don't have time to get their own bread, as they are too busy drinking, smoking, looking cool and having casual sex.
• Asia: there is a stand in the supermarket that is clearly labelled "bread", but it is invariably stocked with rice.

You've certainly raised a major issue, and I'm glad it had been brought to my readers' collective attention.

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Breeding Frenzy

Q: Hi Harv, I noticed you don't talk too much about your private life, but I'm curious. Do you have any children?

The reason I ask is I just got one and I don't like it at ALL! I'm actually surprised how much I hate the useless little putz. I haven't even named him yet, because all I can think of are derogatory names, like "re-gurge", "snot-flaps" and "ye-olde-blob-of-shit-piss-and-vomit".


A: How ironic, going from a question about death to a question about life!

Dear reader, I couldn't disagree with you more. I've travelled the world and impregnated more women than I could possibly count, even if I used the antique abacus I keep under my pillow.

Actually, you could say it's kind of a hobby of mine. I've impregnated every race, creed, religion and gender that you could possibly conceive of, and many times over each! One time I even impregnated a woman without her knowing about it. I don't want to publish the details and risk her getting wise to my ruse, but let's just say it involved a small cup, some tin-foil and a long piece of dental floss.

The point is, I love children, and I have hundreds! In fact if there are any volunteers out there with a decent-sized womb and child bearing hips, I'm always up for another litter.

Here's a pic of one of my many family get-togethers last year!

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A dead issue

Q: I was just sitting around thinking about shagging corpses and it occurred to me there's a gap in my knowledge. What is the difference between a Necrophiliac and a Necromaniac? And while we're at it, what the hell is a Necromancer?!

A: Well, dear reader, I am in the privelleged position of having a friend who is all of the above, so I'm somewhat of an expert on this issue!

A necrophiliac is someone who is interested, or even obsessed, with corpses and death.

A necromaniac takes the next step and finds himself sexually attracted to dead bodies. You may find such a person hanging out in cemeteries, exhuming corpses, picking the maggots off it, and perhaps grinding a bit of inanimate skeletal bone.

Note that an early indication of necromania is an attraction to Gwynneth Paltrow.

And a necromancer is all of the above, but more of a gentleman. He will usually take the corpse out for dinner, maybe a chick-flick or a nice museum trip (apparently corpses love Madame Tussaud's!) before taking it home to a bed scattered with rose petals, scented candles and romantic music.

And pounding the shit out of that corpse till the twilight hours.

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Costume Tomfoolery

Q: What's that fetish called where the people dress up in costume and bang? Do you know anyone with this fetish?

A: Well, dear reader, the name of the fetish varies with the type of costume.

Here are a few examples:

Beastial-naughty:
Deriving enjoyment from wearing an animal costume that allows you to perform sexual acts without anyone knowing.

Asdyxiation:
Being almost addicted to wearing costumes that contain one or several phalluses.

Paedomasochism:
Being turned on by wearing a costume suggesting you like hurting babies.

And yes, dear reader, I unfortunately know people with every one of these fetishes!

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Be a gentleman, biyatch!

Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry.

How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?


A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.

The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".

And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.

It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.

Or, even better, an actual rock star called RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.

Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?

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Tied in knots

Q: IF I SAW A NICE TIE FOR 97 EURO BUT HAD NO MONEY.

I BORROWED 50 FROM YOU AND 50 FROM BROOKSIE AND BOUGHT THE TIE.

MY CHANGE IS 3 EURO.

SO I GAVE 1 EURO BACK TO YOU AND 1 EURO BACK TO BROOKSIE.

I NOW OWE YOU BOTH 49 EURO BUT ONLY HAVE 1 EURO LEFT FROM THE CHANGE. THATS 99 EURO.

WHERE DID THE 1 EURO GO ?


A: I wasn't sure about whether or not to answer this question, but I can tell by the use of CAPS, it's very important to you.

I'll leave the math to my erudite readers, as the calculations far too rudimentary for my advanced brain. You might as well challenge a rabbit to poop and shag.

My answer: If you're paying 98 Euro for a tie, nice or otherwise, you've got more money-management problems than losing a dollar in the transaction. There are very few ties worth that much money, enclosed picture excepted.

Unless it's a bowtie? Is the bow tie coming back into fashion!? We can only hope...

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Phua Soon Hacker?

Q: My son just called me in an insane panic and told me about this Facebook Hacker called Phua Soon Hock! I'm utterly terrified, because I found the AUTOMATION-LOG user on my list, just like my son said I would!

Is my Facebook account compromised, and does this Phua Soon Hock guy now have access to my personal details, credit card information and my new washer dryer with the fuzzy logic feature?

Concerned!


A: There is nothing to worry about, dear reader. I have heard about this so-called Facebook Hacker and I assure you it's a complete hoax.

That's because I know the REAL Phua Soon Hock and he's a lovely guy with a PHD in biblical journalism and jet engine propulsion. He's a genius before his time, but he's no computer hacker.

Last I checked Phua Soon Hock was still using his mouse upside down, which of course results in the cursor going in exactly the wrong direction. He referred to the keyboard as a typewriter and the monitor as a television. And one time, he told me he preferred a wired mouse, because it was chained to the PC, so couldn't get into his fridge at night and eat all his cheese!

I haven't seen him for a couple of years, but if he's hacking Facebook, I'll run naked through silicone valley!

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I'm back!

Q: Harv, where have you been? We need you! You haven't answered my question about impotence and two girlfriends have left me in the meantime... one of which I quite liked.


A: Well, dear reader, this email reached me just as I arrived home from my various travels. I covered some of the most obscure corners of the globe, but let me give you a few highlights:

• Saving whales on the east coast of Antarctica, then sucking the delicious blubber direct from small stab wounds in their still-breathing bellies -- before sending them back into the ocean with their new-found weight loss and mobility. Of course this was all part of the marketing campaign for Gwenneth Paltrow's patented Cigarette Ash and Abalone diet. When you see the TV spots, you'll understand.
• Winning the confidence of famously skittish male Ferret Monkeys in the Amazon and being the first to talk to them about their long-standing misogyny issues in a time of a declining female population. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding.
• Wooing one of the tribeswomen of the Alaskan Inupak tribes, and finally gaining acceptance after a courting process of 7 months. I was subsequently asked to perform a final feat of dedication to prove my worth. I was surprised to learn it involved plummeting to certain death off the precipice of a local cliff face. I was in love, so I agreed, and as I stepped off the edge, I had barely a notion of danger or regret in my head. At the last moment, my bride relented and grabbed my arm to stop me. It was too late and we both toppled off the cliff face. If it wasn't for her landing between the rocks and my own body, I can't imagine I would be writing this answer today.

Dear readers, this time the answer is simple: I'm back.

I'm heart broken and probably not the same man you knew; shooting off positive whims of wisdom at the drop of a hat. But I'm here again, at your service, and ready to answer your questions. Fire away!

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