Mmm... M&Ms...

Q: Ever wonder when you eat these little chocolate pieces...who actually print's the M&M on these little dudes???

A: You may believe it's Santa's elves, highly intelligent ticks with tiny fountain-pens, or even aliens from the planet "Alpha Candori" that perform this intricate task! But, dear reader, unfortunately the truth is much less interesting: fairly simple machines, designed by man.

However, your question has relevance in the field of ultrafast laser micro-machining, as the text on M&Ms were a precursor to this interesting field of miniaturization research.

Recently, researchers from the manufacturing firm Micreon GmbH managed to create a pair of glasses fitted to the head of a fly. And the amazing thing is that, not only did they fit, they were stylish!

I have heard, through my contacts at Nasa, Harvard and the Alexander von Humboldt Foundation, that Micreon's next project will be lubricated, vibrating condoms for African Dung Beetles. Admittedly, male Dung Beetles do get a whole lot less sex than you might think, but, when they do manage to get laid, they have an notoriously immutable talent for two things:

• producing offspring with almost every pop
• providing very little pleasure for the poor female shit-bug

That latter is, in large part, due to their horrific stench (yes its abhorrent even to females of the species), but it's still a praise-worthy research-goal nevertheless.

Slightly less praise-worthy is their other high-priority project of the moment: M&Ms that are 1/1000th the size of regular candies. I have seen a proof-of-concept, and to me it looks just like a multi-coloured bag of sticky sand -- and to be quite honest, it melts in your hand a lot easier than the regular size.

In my assessment: EPIC FAIL!

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Ozone Slayer

Q: I heard somewhere that global warming is a scam and we're not at risk. Care to weigh in, Harv?

A: I'm afraid you're misinformed, dear reader. Global warming -- or, termed more correctly, climate change -- is very real and may even prove to be more of an immediate peril than we originally thought.

The solution, however is fuel for much debate. It is unfortunately the case that scientists do not fully understand the causes of climate change, and cannot agree on a solution.

I, of course do know the solution but have been having trouble drumming up support for it, as it does go against the grain of the majority of thinking on the subject. NATO have tried to silence me on the issue, but NATO can go drink pig's vomit and vomit it on their own balls, because I'm 100% certain of myself on this.

After many decades of research, I am convinced the answer lies in INCREASING our carbon emissions, POLLUTING our environment in every way possible, and completely ERADICATING that pesky ozone layer ASAP. EXTINCT all cute furry animals, too, while you're at it.

The scientific principles behind my theory are incredibly complex and impossible to explain to a layman audience.

But here's the gist of it: think of the Earth like a person who has lost his memory due to a bump on the head... We all know from movies that the only way to restore their memory is to hit them again. And harder.

So, Earth, brace yourself for a frypan to the cranium, coz this is gonna hurt!

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Ring-a-Ring-a-Smokey!

Q: I'm very unpopular in my school, and get my face pounded into a wet, fleshy pulp every lunchtime. I'm already blind in one eye and can no longer lick ice-creams.

I figure the best solution is to take up smoking and learn how to blow smoke rings like the cool kids do. I just can't work out how to do it!

Help me Harv!


A: Being way too intelligent to ever take up smoking, I did not have the answer to your question at hand.

However, I don't like to leave a question unanswered on AskHarv, so I have been conducting experiments in my lab the past fortnight. I have been able to work out how to blow smoke rings, and it's not as difficult as you may think, once you know the trick.

Before you face your friends and attempt to impress them, you need to do a bit of preparation. You'll need:

• 1 elastic band
• 3 rolls of electrical tape
• 3.2 kms of copper wire
• 1 breathing apparatus (a regular rebreather would be fine)
• 2 18 ft tall steel pylons
• a lead shield, at least 19 inches thick
• 2 power sources capable of generating 1.21 gigawatts (a couple of small, modern power plants would do)

Simply relocate or construct the two power plants either side of your school, wrap the pylons in copper wire, fire up the power, and position yourself at a perfectly equidistant point between the two.

When you light up a cigarette at this location, you'll find the smoke is affected by the electromagnetic field to form all sorts of circular shapes, such as ovals, spheres, 4th-dimensional planes, and, of course, the ever-elusive rings you desire!

To impress your friends further, you'll find the trick also has a number of impressive side-effects, such as:

• Creating shimmering pockets of white light and unpredictable weather conditions
• Transporting objects and creatures from parallel dimensions to our world
• Completely disintegrating people's atoms in less than a nanosecond
• Opening unstable worm-holes, thus sending organic, sentient beings (well any that you haven't already disintegrated) careering randomly through space-time
  
• The smoke may also become self-aware and develop consciousness

A word of warning, though: you may find the electromagnets generate a lot of heat.

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The Butterfly Suspect

Q: How the hell can a butterfly flapping it's wings start a hurricane???!

A: Even though I always liked the theory of the butterfly effect as it pertains to chaos theory and theoretical time travel, the reality of it appeared to be much less enthralling.

I was fortunate enough to spend several years in Brazil, and spent most of my time with a tribe of sweaty, caniballistic descendants of the Tupinambá tribe, conducting experiments to investigate Lorenz's famous theory. We captured several million butterflies over the course of several years and couldn't even get one to so much as move a blade of grass, or scare an old lady on her death-bed, let alone disturb weather patterns in a distant country. It's actually amazing how lame and powerless butterflies are!

Truth be told, all we did was prove that the odds of a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil and causing a Tornado in Texas are several quadrillions to one.

Time went by, but I never quite forgot about the butterfly effect. One morning earlier this year I awoke in a cold sweat from a dream which depicted giant butterflies attacking tribal villagers with chainsaws and I realised I had to resolve the issue.

I tracked down Lorenz, and, completely unannounced, visited him in his small, but well-guarded, Swiss chalet. When he opened the door, I asked almost exactly the question you dropped into my inbox, dear reader, with a couple of extra expletives added in for dramatic effect.

Lorenz studied me for a long time, scratching his stupid spotted nose with one hand and patting his shiny bald forehead with the other. Then he said, "fine", dragged me inside by my lapels, grabbed a butterfly from his in-house enclosure and took me to his time-travel room.

We went back to the dawn of time. Lorenz exited the time machine, and before I could even start to think about the wonderous prehistoric world before me, he let the butterfly go, stepped back inside and took us both back to 2009.

Well you could knock me over with a feather (that does not relate to the theory!). The recalcitrant twatt had caused the current global economic cirsis. Yes, that's right, before we got into that confounded time machine, everyone was happy and rich, and humanity had finally found a perfect harmony with nature.

And everyone was getting laid.

Thanks very much, Lorenz! Must be a real joy to be right!

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Body Issues

Q: With the advent of modern medicine and a rather strange need to nurture the weak and disabled, humankind has effectively dashed any evolutionary hopes of improving the species.

What changes would you make to the current model if you had the opportunity?


A: While many people marvel at the elegance and intricacy of the human body, I'm not so easily impressed.

In my opinion, the human body is a flawed, over-complex and highly redundant machine that is not only unworthy of marvel, but completely worthy of contempt.

Hence, I'm well prepared for your question, dear reader, as I've often had pause to contemplate how the human body might be improved, revamped or even totally redesigned.

Allow me to point out a few ridiculous design flaws and let you decide for yourself.

1. Breathing. So we breathe oxygen into our respiratory system, which then passes it into our blood stream, which then delivers it to our brain? Am I nuts, or would a couple of inflatable bags on the side of the head would cut out the middle-man here?

2. The heart. Assuming you're going to keep the pointless vascular system because you're not imaginative enough to find a way to distribute energy to the limbs without it, then come on! At least toughen the heart up a bit! It's a pathetic little piece of pulsing meat right now, just waiting to fail, get clotted or be crushed and destroyed.

3. Nervous system. Oh, well done, human body, let's make a warning system that completely distracts and disables the subject it's trying to warn. Wow, genius, really! [slow, ironic clap]

4. All other organs. Come on, surely there's a better way than just lumping a bunch of specialist substance processors together inside a chest cavity and then closing it up? How about an organ that can process calcium AND complex sugars, hmm!? And I don't want to be too critical, but most organs are downright ugly... how about a little aesthetic consideration?

Oh yeah, and while I can't say it's entirely legal, I have been doing a little human experimentation in my lab. And without giving away too much detail, yes, I have managed to grow an entire human being using cloning technology.

He is completely normal in every way, including strikingly attractive and perfectly symmetrical features -- but this guy has an upgraded digestive system, so he will never need to shit. Ever.

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Cloning around!

Q: I recently downloaded an article about cloning, and, during some basic experiments to verify the information, managed to clone my brother from a pubic hair I found under the toilet seat.

I know I can't keep him, Mum would FREAK! But what do I do? Is it ok to kill him, or is that technically murder?

Plus, wouldn't a clone made from a pubic hair naturally turn out a little twitchy?

A: Well it sounds like someone is not going to flunk high school science class!

But before we spend too much time patting you on the back, kiddo, lets acknowledge that scientists generally don't admit to the public is how easy cloning really is. In truth, it's completely possible to create a clone from a flake of skin, a box of corn flakes and a steam iron. The powers-that-be create the illusion of complexity to discourage the average Joe from attempting to clone, because of the obvious moral issues that arise.

One such issue you seem to have run into. What happens when you get bored with the clone and want to incinerate it? Is it ok to burn the clone on a pyre, or see how many times you can twist it's head around before it comes right off?

I would imagine your conundrum is magnified by the fact that the clone looks exactly like your brother (with slightly curlier hair, of course) and is likely begging for its life, crying, whimpering and clutching at your ankles.

But fear not, there is nothing wrong with disposing of your clone in any way you choose. You created it, so you can destroy it; it's that simple. In fact, clones typically turn out to be quite evil, or at least slightly creepy (think bad twins in an 80's horror movie) and exterminating them is a service to humankind.

And yes, a clone made from a pubic hair would most likely turn out to be a little twitchy, just as a clone created from penis tissue would turn out to be horny or a clone made from ass skin would have serious B.O. problems. However, these anomalies are easily controlled or regulated in most cases.

Just never create a clone from eyeball fluid, or you might end up with a massive cycloptic orang-utan named Blinky Bill who will not, not matter how many times you ask, leave your Playstation alone.

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Et tu, Jacko?

Q: Is the recent death of the "King of Pop" a publicty stunt or has Michael Jackson really died? Whats your thoughts on the life and times of Michael Jackson?

A: I think, like many others, I don't want to believe that old MJ is dead. Which is fortunate, because I genuinely don't.

Come on, Jacko is just another in a long string of faked celebrity deaths. Maralyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, James Dean, Michael Hutchence, Lindsay Lohan (let me dream)...  the list goes on and on.

A faked death is a celebrity's equivalent to a well-worded letter of resignation. Since a celebrity's boss is essentially the public, a faked death is simply formal notification of intent to resign.

Micky-Jay is probably relaxing on his ranch somewhere, sipping a cocktail with Macauley Culkin, Bubbles the chimp, and the bones of the Elephant Man.

He will certainly be missed, as his contribution to music and pop culture during his tragically shortened career has been tremendous. I still remember nude table-top dancing to "Bad" in an attempt to impress a pretty girl at my local watering hole one night. It didn't work and the bouncers saw fit to beat me within an inch of my life before handing me over to the local authorities... but nevertheless... good times...

As an aside, it was recently discovered that all celebrities (except Paris Hilton, who doesn't count as a person, let a alone celebrity -- seriously, check the US census results, she's not on there) share a particular "faulty" chromosome. This so-called "Z-chromosome" is the one responsible for the wild charisma that attracts others to them, but comes at the cost of sanity, humility and a susceptibility to Scientology.

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A dying breed

Q: As you probably know, few endagered species are threatened as seriously as the wobble-nosed mungbat from Northern Russia. I just returned from a 14 year field trip studying the mungbat with my wife and the experience has changed us at a fundamental level.

I wondered perhaps if you might post this to raise awareness of the poor mungbat's plight and perhaps fill in your readers on what makes this special little creature, well... special.

A: Yes, I am well aware of the plight of the poor wobble-nosed mungbat. It is, however, from Central Russia, not the north.

I have actually been privellaged enough to cradle one of the last remaining half-dozen or so mungbats in my arms, crying openly like a child with no gifts on Christmas day, wailing and moaning over the dying creature's seemingly inevitable fate.

When I was subsequently informed that the mungbats are highly allergic to human tears, and that I had inadvertantly dripped a few onto the mungbat's skin, infecting the tiny creature with an incurable flesh-eating skin disease, my sorrow only deepened.

For those that don't know, the wobble-nosed mungbat is a rare species of mammal whose stool is believed to be one of the most resilient substances on Earth. Once a mungbat drops off a brown boy at the pool, the stool will not decompose, bend, or change texture without complex molecular coersion. This stool can be fashioned into stylish furniture, tools, or even complex machinery that will effectively last forever.

Once the last mungbat dies, so will our best chance at creating a renewable, sustainable society.

Plus, they're just so cute... so, please, readers... help save the wobble-nosed mungbat!

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Shark vs Cheetah

Q: What's faster - a cheetah or a shark?

A: I'm guessing you know this is a trick question, dear reader.

If a cheetah were to race a shark on land, the shark would lose because it could do little more than flop around spastically on the ground like a dying goldfish.

Put a cheetah in water, however, and it would presumably attempt an ironic doggy paddle for about 6 seconds before being torn limb from limb by the shark. The shark would then be able to win the race at any leisurely speed it likes, as a dead cheetah in water is reliant on tides and currents to cover any distance at all.

However, if they are both loaded into the luggage bay of an F14 Tomcat (a situation I saw more often that I would like during the Gulf war, where they used cheetahs as impact triggers on their neutron bombs), they both travel at exactly the same speed.

And if they are playing Texas Hold 'em, it depends. Is the shark a better shark than the cheetah is at cheating?

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Sunglassed stare-downs

Q: Sometimes when I'm sitting in the park I like stare-down small children. Someone told me this is wrong. My questions is - is it possible to stare someone down while using sunglasses?

A: I won't comment on the morality of staring down small children except to say they probably deserve it.

It is actually far more effective to stare down children using sunglasses, as they cannot see you blinking, and in their mind's eye they can imagine your horrifically dilated, bulging eyeballs piercing into their soul.

It's important to note that adults have a weaker imagination, so sunglasses become a disadvantage in that case.

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Wind in the willies

Q: I keep getting fartholes in my underpants. I've tried buying reinforced ones and it doesnt help, I just fart right through em all eventually. I'm obviously quite flatulent. Any advice on how I might rid myself of this terrible affliction?

A: Studies show that milk causes you to fart 30 times more than non-milk-drinkers. Are you drinking a lot of milk?

Assuming you cannot reduce the amount of times you fart, we're down to techniques to contain the farts, or at least reduce their potency.

This is much easier than you might think. Ask yourself, what is the opposite of a fart? It's not cotton or latex, is it?

No, the opposite of fart is a flower. More specifically, the best smelling flower; a rose. Simply stuff your pants with rose petals and your farts will be completely nullified.

It sounds like you're going to need a lot of roses.

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Canine conundrum

Q: Why can't dogs look up ?

A: This is a common factoid which is often mis-stated or incomplete.

Generally, it's assumed that this means dogs cannot point their heads upwards, which is not true. Dogs have a full range of movement in their necks and can point their noses in all directions.

The myth comes about due to an oddity found in the canine species whereby their eyes are hard-wired to point forwards no matter what position their heads are in.

So not only can't dog's look up, they can't look left right or down either.

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Racism concerns

Q: A litte while ago I had a dream where two babies, one whie and one black, were stuck in a burning bus. I only had time to save one so I picked the white one.

Ever since then I've been trying to make up for my obvious racism by 'high-fiving' every black baby I see on the street. Is this wrong? Am I a racist?

A: I'm sorry to say that you are quite clearly a racist.

The good news is that admitting the problem is the first step. You should now seek out a therapist who speciallises in racism to perform what they call a "racism exorcism", or "racexorcism" for short.

This is a radical new technique that involves strapping you into a bed and monitoring your brain waves. The therapist will apply mild torture techniques - such as chinese burns, bamboo wedges or whipping - when he/she detects that you're having a racist thought until they are eradicated altogether.

Sounds extreme? Hey, you're the big racist.

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Hair-razing problem!

Q: What is body hair for?

A: In ancient times, when humans had yet to master pumping water uphill, water slides were, in fact, dry. This made it very awkward for us to slide effectively down the waterless slide and we evolved to have body hair to enable this fun activity.

Now that water slides actually have water flowing down them, this is not an issue. Evolution has not yet caught up to remove the hair, but expect this to occur in the next 5 to 10 years.

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Mr. Mom

Q: I saw on Oprah that a man was pregnant. He had a beard and everything. How is this possible?

A: It's actually a little known fact that, in rare cases, homosexual men become pregnant by male-male sexual intercourse.

In the womb, all embryos begin life as a female, and many develop ovaries before the chomosomes kick in and force the gender change. Sometimes these ovaries remain functional in a man, producing eggs in the same way women do. Most men never realise this is the case, unless they also happen to engage in homosexual intercourse and the egg becomes fertilised.

Keep in mind, you need some sperm who are very strong swimmers for this to occur. It's also interesting to note that most developing embryos are killed by a man's stomach acids as we lack the womb to house the baby sufficiently.

However, recent research suggests that, with a very carefully selected diet, a man could eventually carry a child to term. It would, sadly, be grossly retarded.

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Catch a falling star...

Q: What is a 'falling star'?

A: There are two meanings.

It can be a celebrity who is on the way out and resorts to ridiculous antics, such as upskirt photos or sex tapes, to try to keep themselves in the limelight. Think Lindsay Lohan.

The second is the visual phenomenom you sometimes see in the night sky that resembles a star literally falling to Earth. These are dead celebrities falling from their place in special people heaven and being burnt up in the atmosphere while the entire planet cheers. Think what we wish would happen to Lindsay Lohan.

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Insivible beauty

Q: How come they say "All people are beautiful on the inside" ? On Prison Break everyone was f***kin' ugly.

A: I suspect, reader, you have already come to the conclusion that they - they being other ugly people and some misinformed scientists - say that to make ugly people feel better about themselves.

The truth is that being beautiful on the inside, even if it were scientifically possible, would be redundant except in the case of heavily mutilated murder victims. No one is going to see your inside, and if they do, you're probably dead.

I guess, if you're trying to pick up your x-ray or Endoscopy technician, it's also a plus in that specific case.

PS: I think you're misjudging Prison Break. I find Lincoln quite fetching in his self-assured masculinity.

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Di-NO-saurus

Q: Do you believe the dinasaurs were actually eaten as per new research ?

A: I believe whatever the experts tell us. In fact, I believe anything any authority figure tells me, and so should you.

But the truth is that dinosaurs are still alive now and I can prove it. But if I did have to prove it, your head would be bitten off by the dinosaur I showed you.

So in summary: no.

PS: I could eat a brontosaurus for breakfast.

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