Mmm... M&Ms...

Q: Ever wonder when you eat these little chocolate pieces...who actually print's the M&M on these little dudes???

A: You may believe it's Santa's elves, highly intelligent ticks with tiny fountain-pens, or even aliens from the planet "Alpha Candori" that perform this intricate task! But, dear reader, unfortunately the truth is much less interesting: fairly simple machines, designed by man.

However, your question has relevance in the field of ultrafast laser micro-machining, as the text on M&Ms were a precursor to this interesting field of miniaturization research.

Recently, researchers from the manufacturing firm Micreon GmbH managed to create a pair of glasses fitted to the head of a fly. And the amazing thing is that, not only did they fit, they were stylish!

I have heard, through my contacts at Nasa, Harvard and the Alexander von Humboldt Foundation, that Micreon's next project will be lubricated, vibrating condoms for African Dung Beetles. Admittedly, male Dung Beetles do get a whole lot less sex than you might think, but, when they do manage to get laid, they have an notoriously immutable talent for two things:

• producing offspring with almost every pop
• providing very little pleasure for the poor female shit-bug

That latter is, in large part, due to their horrific stench (yes its abhorrent even to females of the species), but it's still a praise-worthy research-goal nevertheless.

Slightly less praise-worthy is their other high-priority project of the moment: M&Ms that are 1/1000th the size of regular candies. I have seen a proof-of-concept, and to me it looks just like a multi-coloured bag of sticky sand -- and to be quite honest, it melts in your hand a lot easier than the regular size.

In my assessment: EPIC FAIL!