Wind in the willies

Q: I keep getting fartholes in my underpants. I've tried buying reinforced ones and it doesnt help, I just fart right through em all eventually. I'm obviously quite flatulent. Any advice on how I might rid myself of this terrible affliction?

A: Studies show that milk causes you to fart 30 times more than non-milk-drinkers. Are you drinking a lot of milk?

Assuming you cannot reduce the amount of times you fart, we're down to techniques to contain the farts, or at least reduce their potency.

This is much easier than you might think. Ask yourself, what is the opposite of a fart? It's not cotton or latex, is it?

No, the opposite of fart is a flower. More specifically, the best smelling flower; a rose. Simply stuff your pants with rose petals and your farts will be completely nullified.

It sounds like you're going to need a lot of roses.