Two birds with one stone

Q: My wife and I really want twins. Is there someway to increase the chances?

A: Yes there most certainly is.

What worked for a neighbour of mine was the process of inserting dry ice inside the woman's vagina immediately following sex and then hanging her upside down from the ceiling. They would then play music from Nine Inch Nails at a very high volume.

I realize this may sound extreme - Nine Inch Nails is very hardcore music - but it essentially terrorises the sperm into heading in the right direction as fast as they can swim.

My neighbours are now the proud parents of no less than 8 sets of twins and 2 sets of triplets. They're going to shove tobasco sauce up there next time in the hope of quads.

Remember, as a rule of thumb, the more you get up her, the better your chance of a multiple birth.

However, I'm not sure I recommend this for you specifically, as you and your wife will make terrible parents.