Midnight marches

Q: Sometimes I wake up in different places - like the library or standing under a street-light.

I've tried tying bells to my fingers and painting signs on my stomach to get people to wake me up but nothing seems to work. My fiance said she's going to leave me if I don't stop because I keep ruining the sheets.

Please, do you have any suggestions? I'm really at wit's end.

A: It's disappointing that the signs on your stomach don't work, as this would have been my first suggestion. It really speaks to humankind's inability to help each other, doesn't it? Do you wear a tshirt to bed? Perhaps it's obscuring the message you've scribed on your abdomen?

Luckily for you, writing on your stomach isn't the only way to beat somnambulism, you can also wear a frightening mask. This has the affect of scaring people who see you on your nightly journeys and their screams will, in turn, wake you up.

Beware though, I had a cousin who tried this technique. Although he found much success for several months, he moved to much scarier mask and was subsequently beaten to death by an elderly gentleman who apparently mistook him for the boogeyman.

The key is picking a mask that induces a scream, but avoids making people want to murder you.