Body Issues

Q: With the advent of modern medicine and a rather strange need to nurture the weak and disabled, humankind has effectively dashed any evolutionary hopes of improving the species.

What changes would you make to the current model if you had the opportunity?


A: While many people marvel at the elegance and intricacy of the human body, I'm not so easily impressed.

In my opinion, the human body is a flawed, over-complex and highly redundant machine that is not only unworthy of marvel, but completely worthy of contempt.

Hence, I'm well prepared for your question, dear reader, as I've often had pause to contemplate how the human body might be improved, revamped or even totally redesigned.

Allow me to point out a few ridiculous design flaws and let you decide for yourself.

1. Breathing. So we breathe oxygen into our respiratory system, which then passes it into our blood stream, which then delivers it to our brain? Am I nuts, or would a couple of inflatable bags on the side of the head would cut out the middle-man here?

2. The heart. Assuming you're going to keep the pointless vascular system because you're not imaginative enough to find a way to distribute energy to the limbs without it, then come on! At least toughen the heart up a bit! It's a pathetic little piece of pulsing meat right now, just waiting to fail, get clotted or be crushed and destroyed.

3. Nervous system. Oh, well done, human body, let's make a warning system that completely distracts and disables the subject it's trying to warn. Wow, genius, really! [slow, ironic clap]

4. All other organs. Come on, surely there's a better way than just lumping a bunch of specialist substance processors together inside a chest cavity and then closing it up? How about an organ that can process calcium AND complex sugars, hmm!? And I don't want to be too critical, but most organs are downright ugly... how about a little aesthetic consideration?

Oh yeah, and while I can't say it's entirely legal, I have been doing a little human experimentation in my lab. And without giving away too much detail, yes, I have managed to grow an entire human being using cloning technology.

He is completely normal in every way, including strikingly attractive and perfectly symmetrical features -- but this guy has an upgraded digestive system, so he will never need to shit. Ever.