For crying out loud!

Q: What's the most tactful way to tell a baby to shut the f**k up?

A: Babies respond to soft rhythmic words, with generous helpings of rhyming, asonance and illiteration. Words such as "mama" "dada" or "diggy-diggy-goo-goo" are music to a baby's ears.

While "shut the f**k up" has strong asonance and a snappy rhythm, I think we can do better.

I would suggest, instead of going with a witty line such as "hey babio, how about you cry me a big bag of shut the f**k up?", you try to make it more conducive to a baby's sensibilities. Try "coo-coo-bippidy-boo-shut-the-f**ky-wucky-uppy-wuppy". Maybe cover and uncover your eyes in a peeky-boo gesture for added effect.

If the baby won't shush immediately with lines like that, note that there's a fairly painless elective surgery that one can get to remove a baby's voicebox. Remember, the baby is the one being unreasonable here, not you.