Sunday, August 28, 2011

Do the "Jiggery Pokery"!

Q: Most people think I’m a bit of weirdo, and I’m trying to appear more normal. Now, the other day I just learned a new phrase. It’s “jiggery pokery”. I have absolutely no idea what it means, but I was just wondering if I should start using in every day conversations from now on?

A: The short answer is yes, absolutely.

It sounds like you are universally disliked already, so what harm could it do?

I'm unaware of the term "jiggery pokery", but is sounds to me like a funny dance that ends in rape.

Since the phrase clearly doesn't exist, lets assume that most people will agree with my interpretation. Well, that's certainly the sort of thing that will get you noticed if you slip it into casual conversation, isn't it? Indeed, it's rather hard to ignore!

Here's an example. Say you're talking about the latest movies, and someone brings up feminist issues. You could simply throw your hands up and scream "NOT enough jiggery pokery, right!?"

If you do it often enough, you may find it has many positive side effects, such as inspiring the conversation to go in completely new and interesting directions.

Or, there may be a couple of minor, slightly negative, side effects:

  • You may find people wanting to repeatedly dip your head in the toilet. Not to worry, this is perfectly natural when you use phrases that don't exist in an attempt to get popular. You just need to have faith that after a few good flushings, you'll win them over.
  • Initially, women will hate you and report you to the police. This is because your random non-existent phrase really does stink of rape. And remember, she never wanted to be talking to you in the first place, so it's an uphill battle.
  • Expect to be punched in the face without warning, or king-hit from behind with a bottle or other available weapon, such as a medieval mace. Perhaps wear a helmet? You could color it nicely with crayons or permanent markers, or decorate it with ribbons and glossy paper, so it looks like you're attempting to be fashionable.
  • You may be murdered. Again, perfectly natural, and something you may need to endure in order to seem normal.

Good luck, and I truly do hope people start seeing you as less of a weirdo. And remember, if you find your head submerged in toilet water with your eyeballs rubbing up against some homeless guy's discolored bloody turds, hey, at least you're trying.

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