A dead issue

Q: I was just sitting around thinking about shagging corpses and it occurred to me there's a gap in my knowledge. What is the difference between a Necrophiliac and a Necromaniac? And while we're at it, what the hell is a Necromancer?!

A: Well, dear reader, I am in the privelleged position of having a friend who is all of the above, so I'm somewhat of an expert on this issue!

A necrophiliac is someone who is interested, or even obsessed, with corpses and death.

A necromaniac takes the next step and finds himself sexually attracted to dead bodies. You may find such a person hanging out in cemeteries, exhuming corpses, picking the maggots off it, and perhaps grinding a bit of inanimate skeletal bone.

Note that an early indication of necromania is an attraction to Gwynneth Paltrow.

And a necromancer is all of the above, but more of a gentleman. He will usually take the corpse out for dinner, maybe a chick-flick or a nice museum trip (apparently corpses love Madame Tussaud's!) before taking it home to a bed scattered with rose petals, scented candles and romantic music.

And pounding the shit out of that corpse till the twilight hours.

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Costume Tomfoolery

Q: What's that fetish called where the people dress up in costume and bang? Do you know anyone with this fetish?

A: Well, dear reader, the name of the fetish varies with the type of costume.

Here are a few examples:

Beastial-naughty:
Deriving enjoyment from wearing an animal costume that allows you to perform sexual acts without anyone knowing.

Asdyxiation:
Being almost addicted to wearing costumes that contain one or several phalluses.

Paedomasochism:
Being turned on by wearing a costume suggesting you like hurting babies.

And yes, dear reader, I unfortunately know people with every one of these fetishes!

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Penile Denial

Q: Recently I discovered a pimple on my penis. I decided to get a second opinion and opted for a friend to inspect my meat mallett and give me his expert advice. His diagnosis was that it was just a pimple and immediately declared my trouser snake "as clean as a whistle".

If its a pimple, how would it appear in that region? Could it be anything else?

A: I certainly don't want to worry you unneccesarily, dear reader. But yes, it could well be something much worse than a harmless pimple.

Let's investigate the odds that you really could have a pimple on your penis. I've never had one myself and never heard anyone complain about one. But that's hardly science, is it?

To get a better idea, I rang a sweaty, obese, lard-eating, vegetable-adverse and uncircumcised friend of mine named "Beefy". This guy has had pimples on every visible surface of his body, and, I aways assumed, even the (mercifully) non-visible spots. He verified that he has had pimples almost everywhere conceivable, including his nipple, under his fingernails and even his eyeball. Apparently the latter was painful.

He has, however, never had a pimple on his penis.

So despite the comforting, albeit slightly homo-erotic, assertion of your presumably non-medically-trained friend, you should probably get yourself to a speciallist medical professional.

Because it's very likely you have herpes.

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Close Encounters of the Wrong Kind

Q: Does extra terrestrial life exist ? Have you had any encounters ? is it possible for humans to breed with ET's ?


A: This is a bit of a sensitive question. I've been instructed not to talk about this issue by so many governemnts that I've completely lost count!

But let me just say this... Yes, humans can breed with aliens... and they like to spoon.

Screw you United Nations!

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Birds, bees and burials

Q: Why do they refer to life's lessons as the "Birds and the Bees" ?

A: In primitive times, religious beliefs dictated that, to receive sexual gratification, one must also pay homage to nature. Insects represented the masculine and birds the feminine sides of sexual relations.

This led to various ritualistic habits. The most common was to cover the woman's body in honey, and make love in a pile of feathers, which would eventually coat the woman, transforming her into a human bird.

The man would, in turn, represent the insect world by stinging her repeatedly like an angry bee.

Eventually, it was discovered that many women, in a heightened state of extacsy, actually believed they had tranformed into birds and tried to fly out their bedroom window. In addition, men became convinced they were bees and began eating flowers and pollen, which was often poisonous.

These odd ecstatic behaviours led to many unexplained deaths until the church investigated and backed off their suggestions of naturallistic homage.

However, the term remained, and is still used today by parents who want to teach their children about sex, but are too scared to use terms such as p****, c****, or a*** lubricant.

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Friendly Fling

Q: Is it ok to have sex with your toyboy's best friend if toyboy has decided he only wants you for a fling?

A: Not only is it ok, but in some cultures it would be expected.

For instance, in the Mayan culture in 2000 BC, assumed every woman would have both a husband and several sex slaves. The husband would prefer that his friends were used as sex slaves, because he could keep an eye on them and spread the love of his good wife to people he knew. In fact, by 200BC, when the Mayan culture was exiting the Preclassic period, sexual orgies involving several family groups were common and encouraged.

How do we know this? Fossils were discovered recently that involve 4-5 skeletons in complex sexual positions, such as the "tri-way 69", "dirty quadrangle with observer" or "sexy surprise six-pack". I have included a picture of one of the tamer configurations.

There are even theorists that believe the bizarre sexual activity of the Mayans was ultimately responsible for the culture's collapse. What a way to go, though.

Makes the supposed sexual liberation of our time seem kind of redundant, doesn't it?

So go ahead and sleep with your toyboy's friend. Chances are your toyboy will thank you for it in the long run.

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You can lead a horse to tequila...

Q: I live in the Philippines and recently my boyfriend took me on a tour of the lovely Spanish village of Intramuros, near Manila.

Anyway, we were transported around on a horse-drawn carriage and I noticed all the horses wear weird eye-patches, like double-blind pirates.

The horses can't ALL be blind, can they, so what is the explanation?

A: In most other countries, draft horses wear what are known as blinkers, or blinders, as a way to avoid getting distracted and rearing up, potentially injuring others and embarrassing themselves.
 
However, in the Philippines, the draft horses are all female, and (rather inhumanely) kept high on cheap anti-anxiety medications, so the reason for the blinkers is, if you'll excuse the pun, harder to see.
 
It turns out that the above-mentioned medication is taken orally, so is watered down with strong tequila - as it is cheaper, and more easily obtained, than water in the Philippines.
 

This exposes the draft horses to a scientifically well-understood phenomenon that occurs when tequila enters the blood of a Filipina.

 

Before the blinkers were administered in 1932, Intramuros draft horses would often be found dancing semi-naked on tables, performing "body shots" and other sexually-themed drinking games on each other, and, later in the day, passed out in a corner in a pool of vomit.
 
These promiscuous horses weren't particularly tourist-friendly, so the blinkers were added to avoid the horses getting attracted to each other and lezzing off.
 
Interestingly, there was a small group of core customers who actually petitioned to have the behaviour brought back in 1967. They were unsuccessful.

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A bit of a downer

Q: How can you make a guy go down on you? Or better yet, if you've been down on him how do you ask why he hasn't on you? And prepare yourself for a brutal answer?

A: In caveman times, women would simply grab a male by the ears, position his head, and then slowly begin to twist. Eventually the man would yeild in the face of having his ears torn off.

Granted, this typically occurred after the male had slammed the female over the head with a makeshift hammer (usually a coconut attached to the end of a stick) and raped her repeatedly.

Things were tough in caveman times, but remarkably simple.

The modern equivalent of this would be to hold back from cooking your man a meal, or washing his clothes, until he has given you the oral sex you require. Soon his washing basket will begin to overflow and his stomach will begin to rumble, and he will instigate radical behaviour modification in an effort to change the outcomes.

Once he stumbles across the answer - oral sex = food & washing done - he will be going down on you at every opportunity.

Trust me, talk is overated.

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Are we doing it yet?

Q: What should one do if a penis is too small to be felt in the vagina during intercourse but is otherwise quite pleasant and easy to perform oral sex and handjobs on?

A: Now, Veronica, I thought I asked you nicely not to email in about our personal lives.

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Kin-KY sex!

Q: How does one deal with hemorrhoids during anal sex?

A: When I started AskHarv, I anticipated all sorts of questions, from metaphysical musings about the nature of the universe, to personal queries about the nature of relationships.

However, I must admit, I never anticipated this particular inquiry would ever come across my desk, dear reader.

Now, to the question at hand! I would suggest a rather radical and possibly unconsidered approach to this particular problem: don't mix the two. If you have hemorrhoids, do not engage in anal sex. And conversely, if you are engaging in anal sex, perhaps a quick check that you don't have massive hemorrhoids would be in order.

And if you must have both of these things simultaneously, I'll give you the same suggestion I give to many sexual problems that come my way: lots of KY.

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Answering the Bone-A-Phone

Q: I am a chronic masturbator.

Help.

A: Well, dear reader, when I decide to "Charm the Cobra", I like to start by lighting a few scented candles, running a bath, and lathering up my whole body with aromatic oils, lavendar and aloe. I take it slow and really romance myself, as this hightens the pleasure later when I get to the business end of the night.

Try laying down a few rose petals or fitting your bed with satin sheets. I find pastel-coloured velvet on the walls helps immensely.

But most of all, lubricate well, or you'll get choad-chafing, and will have to wait for it to heal before you can do it all over again.

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Female form-ula

Q: What is it about the female form that drives men crazy?

I have $50K to spend on reconstruction and I want to use my money wisely.

A: Since your sign off is a non-gender-specific name, I am unable to determine if you are contemplating a sex change, or just enhancement surgery.

Either way, if you want to drive men crazy, the same principals apply. Start with the breasts. Men really like breasts. Often men will tell you they like buttocks, but the truth is they only like buttocks because they look like breasts and are confusing them. The truth is, anthropologically speaking, men are programmed to look for traits that uniquely identify a potential mating partner as the opposite sex. Breasts are the best indication of this, as the only men who have breasts are extremely overweight and can be immediately ruled out as sexual partners. Plus, these are often easily identified as moobs (man-boobs) and not those exquisite, baby-feeding love-humps on a woman's chest known as breasts.

I can tell you this, though: one thing that does NOT drive men crazy is a spliced penis, turned inside out and twisted inside the abdomen to mimick a vagina. I would never advocate dishonesty in sexual relations, but you might want to keep that part to yourself unless presented with a very specific, unambiguous question.

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Gay abandon

Q: I once saw my auntie's VJ. Does this make me a homosexual? What makes someone gay?

A: I assume by VJ you are referring to your aunt's vagina. If this isn't the case, I apologise for making this answer about genitalia when it was actually about Video-disc Jockeys.

I think the question you've asked completely depends on context.

For example, if you saw your aunt's vagina while tickling your uncle's testicles in the attic, well, yes, that's a little gay. But if you saw it through a keyhole while you were having sex with two female twins at the same time, that's not gay (albeit a little incestuous for the twins).

If you immediately went and had sex with a man upon seeing your aunt's vagina, then you might conclude they are related. But, in truth, your aunt's vagina is probably a massive red-herring'd scapegoat in this case. You were probably gay before you saw it.

There are many things that make someone gay, such as boredom, birth defects or lack of women, but seeing your aunt's vagina isn't one of them.

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Girl gamers?

Q: Why is it that boys like video games and girls don't? Is this a gross over-generalisation, or is that they just suck at them?

A: Girls do suck at video games. It's not just circumstantial, it's Darwinian.

I once saw a girl try to rake some leaves and, boy, it was hilarious. She didn't even move them all in the same direction, she just kept swirling them around the yard. She probably would have kept going forever if I hadn't stopped her. Granted, that was Kim Kardashian on a dare.

In caveman times, men had to hunt, gather and invent fire... women didn't have to do much at all, except learn how to sew and grow breasts that could be used to find the Earth's core. Evolution gave us the tools we needed for the tasks at hand.

Darwin himself threw like a girl and got picked last in every softball game he tried out for. Evolution, it seems, does have a sense of irony.

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Anyone seen a dancing star fish?

Q: I've found that girls who dance well are much better at having sex. Girls who show no rhythmical ability or aesthetic beauty when dancing to music are less satisfying to me even if they are smokin hot. Do you agree? I'll take an average looking chick with the dope moves over a smokin hot starfish any day.

A: I will not comment on the statement that you are considering having sex with a starfish, except to caution you that they have tiny, dagger-like bones jutting out of their skin.

Dancing is often considered a rehearsal or preview of the sex act, so I'm not surprised about your preference at all. I once slept with an extremely overweight woman because I liked the way she jiggled.

However, a common mistake men make is thinking that the phenomenon is reciprocated. Women have no interest in the way men dance, and are most often turned off by the attempt, no matter how successful it may be.

Women's sexual response is triggered exclusively by her olfactory senses, so don some Old Spice by all means, but sit the hell down no matter how much you like the song.

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Pregnant pause

Q: My friend says if you fold the foreskin of your penis before you have sex you don't need to wear a condom.

A: This is a common mis-conception (pardon the pun).

However, if you tap it three times with a salted teaspoon, you may have more luck.

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Dutch rudder fan seeks next level... again

Q: It seems you already answered my question as to what a dutch rudder is but what is a dutch anchor ?

A: Haha, you've misinterpreted the phrase! A Dutch Anchor is literally an anchor used in the 2nd World War by the dutch.

Many believe it is a Dutch Rudder (see previous post) performed between a midget and a very tall man, but this is an interpretation that has not permeated pop culture enough to be considered a definition.

Yet.

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A hit for the team

Q: Over the past couple of years there has been numerous accounts of rugby league footballers engaging in "group sex". Most recently, 3 Brisbane Broncos players had sex with a 22 year old female in a toilet cubicle of a night club and as reported 3 weeks ago, 11 Cronulla Sharks players had sex with a 19 year old waitress whilst touring New Zealand.

Who really is the victim ? If a girl gives consent at the time and the other parties arent concerned with "banging heads" ( pardon the pun ) then what is all the fuss about ? Is there a case to answer for the high profile footballers? have you ever engaged in group sex ?

IMO, the young lady in NZ should have kept quiet whilst having sex , everyone knows that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other Sharks.

A: This is a storm in a teacup which has been blown out of all proprtion. There is no victim, and there is no winner.

The truth is that these footballers are part of a world-wide humanitarian group called the "Altruistic Adonises". The goal of this group is to further the diversification of the human race by ensuring that even physically disadvantaged or unfit men are able to find attractive women with which to procreate.

To achieve this, they target male groups that are much better looking than the rest of us and encourage several measures to keep them from "hogging" all the women.

One of those measures is to share females in order to free up others to copulate with less attractive men. It is not "group sex" in the typical definition, but a way to conserve the female resources of our society.

Several football clubs list the "Altruistic Adonises" as a requirement of team membership.

I, for one, salute them for their continuing effort to give us nerds time on the playing field!

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Mr. Mom

Q: I saw on Oprah that a man was pregnant. He had a beard and everything. How is this possible?

A: It's actually a little known fact that, in rare cases, homosexual men become pregnant by male-male sexual intercourse.

In the womb, all embryos begin life as a female, and many develop ovaries before the chomosomes kick in and force the gender change. Sometimes these ovaries remain functional in a man, producing eggs in the same way women do. Most men never realise this is the case, unless they also happen to engage in homosexual intercourse and the egg becomes fertilised.

Keep in mind, you need some sperm who are very strong swimmers for this to occur. It's also interesting to note that most developing embryos are killed by a man's stomach acids as we lack the womb to house the baby sufficiently.

However, recent research suggests that, with a very carefully selected diet, a man could eventually carry a child to term. It would, sadly, be grossly retarded.

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Smelly siblings

Q: Is sniffing your sisters underpants wrong?

A: It completely depends on the sister and her personal hygeine levels.

If you have a particularly odourous sister, I'd stay completely away from them, as they are likely to smell like faeces and vagina.

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