Down in the Dumps

Q: Hello Mr esteemed AskHarv dude, I got a question. You know when all dogs go to do the #2, why do they squat? Why can't they just do the deed standing up? I've always wondered about this, looking forward to your forthcoming outstanding answer.

A: Dear reader, dogs do all sorts of weird stuff, don't they? They smell each other's asses, chase their tails, and play in traffic with the assumed goal of getting run over by a massive truck and squeezing their bowels out through their mouths.

You are right to ponder the mysteries of probably the most spastic and ill-considered animal in all of God's realms.

This particular behavior is purely a physical one. Dogs have nerve-endings connected to particular parts of their bodies that force involuntary muscle contractions when stimulated. You would have seen a dog's leg twitch when it's belly is scratched; this is a similar reaction. Try tickling a dog's anus and you'll see his stomach and back muscles contract uncontrollably, causing the very hunch you mention.

Actually, funny story, I once knew a puppeteer who got drunk and decided to experiment on his own pet puppy. He attached 17 small feathers to various known sensitive zones on his dog's body and wired them up to various buttons on a remote control. He was able to make the dog walk, sit, lick it's own ear and even head-butt itself, just by pressing the right sequence of buttons on the remote.

He is currently performing his bizarre but entertaining "Puppetized Puppy" act at the Coney Island Circus Sideshow.

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Veronica is a whore

Q: I've heard that some men are lazy, impotent morons who couldn't even get it up for a supermodel. Is that true?

A: Yes, Veronica, that is true. However it is also true that some women are annoying, insatiable, alcoholic hypocrites who should just shut their whore mouths instead of harrassing their ex-husbands with banal questions.

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You can lead a horse to tequila...

Q: I live in the Philippines and recently my boyfriend took me on a tour of the lovely Spanish village of Intramuros, near Manila.

Anyway, we were transported around on a horse-drawn carriage and I noticed all the horses wear weird eye-patches, like double-blind pirates.

The horses can't ALL be blind, can they, so what is the explanation?

A: In most other countries, draft horses wear what are known as blinkers, or blinders, as a way to avoid getting distracted and rearing up, potentially injuring others and embarrassing themselves.
 
However, in the Philippines, the draft horses are all female, and (rather inhumanely) kept high on cheap anti-anxiety medications, so the reason for the blinkers is, if you'll excuse the pun, harder to see.
 
It turns out that the above-mentioned medication is taken orally, so is watered down with strong tequila - as it is cheaper, and more easily obtained, than water in the Philippines.
 

This exposes the draft horses to a scientifically well-understood phenomenon that occurs when tequila enters the blood of a Filipina.

 

Before the blinkers were administered in 1932, Intramuros draft horses would often be found dancing semi-naked on tables, performing "body shots" and other sexually-themed drinking games on each other, and, later in the day, passed out in a corner in a pool of vomit.
 
These promiscuous horses weren't particularly tourist-friendly, so the blinkers were added to avoid the horses getting attracted to each other and lezzing off.
 
Interestingly, there was a small group of core customers who actually petitioned to have the behaviour brought back in 1967. They were unsuccessful.

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Tipsy tomfoolery

Q: Its 2am and I is pissed. Everyone else is sleeping in bed and I feel a need to comment on peoples latest Facebook status. Should I just go to bed or get another drink??

A: If you're drunk, commenting on peoples' Facebook status can be hours of fun.

However, I've found, after a nice bottle of Pinot, tagging photos with incorrect information is far more rewarding.

For instance, my attractive female friend once posted a sexy photo of herself, in which you could clearly see her nipple through her blouse. I immediately tagged the nipple with the name of an extremely conservative Facebook friend. I could imagine his surprise when he opened up his Facebook in the morning and saw that his name was attached to a nipple! Haha!

When I found out he had been out of town and offline for 2 weeks and had given his wife access to his account in his absence, I was, naturally, quite surprised. I was also surprised to learn that they had become divorced and were arguing over custody of their 7 children (in the end they got half each, which was painful for the middle child).

So, in answer to your question, go to bed and never give your wife access to your Facebook account.

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Barfnie

Q: I was drinking booze with my stupid friend the other day when he slightly vomited on the crotch of his pants, giggled and then said, "Barfnie.." before passing out. I then rolled him into the gutter and waited for the garbagemen to collect the trash.

What does "Barfnie" mean? It's puzzled me ever since..

A: I very rarely have to research my answers before I post (in fact I actively avoid research, as it can only serve to corrupt the purity of knowledge I have amassed first-hand over the years), but I must admit this one befuddled me a little.

Of course, I needn't have worried, as it turns out "barfnie" is not the only word in the English language that I am unaware of. It's simply not a word at all, in any language, anywhere in the world.

Google turns up only 45 results, which consist mainly of a combination of the English slang "barf", which means to vomit, and the German "nie" which simply means not. Perhaps your friend lapsed into German language before passing out.

It's not as silly as it sounds. There are many instances in history of people spontaniously speaking a language they have never learned in cases of extreme brain trauma or an intake of copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs. In Medieval times, this was often interpreted as speaking in tongues, which was an indication of demonic possession.

I'd suggest lots of asprin, a quick bloodletting, and an exorcism in the morning.

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Brewski blooper

Q: I'm in Japan right now and, a friend told me over a quiet Fosters that it's rude to drink beer from a bottle or can here. He said the only acceptable way is to use a small wooden thimble and shoot the beer while holding your nose, or else you're risking Samarai-sword-impalement.

I've been drinking this way for weeks, but I haven't seen a single local do it yet. Was my friend messing with me?

A: Japan is one of the few countries I haven't yet visited to impose my considerable wealth of knowledge. Perhaps I'll plan a tour in later 2013 when my schedule clears.

However, there's one thing I know that applies to all of humankind. It doesn't matter how you drink your beer, whether it's by thimble, tumbler, pint glass, schooner or old felt wizard hat! Beer brings together anyone who tastes it, with it's bright amber glow and it's cold crisp flavour.

Oh yes, it brings people together in the hospital, because it's clearly is linked to cancer.

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