A dead issue

Q: I was just sitting around thinking about shagging corpses and it occurred to me there's a gap in my knowledge. What is the difference between a Necrophiliac and a Necromaniac? And while we're at it, what the hell is a Necromancer?!

A: Well, dear reader, I am in the privelleged position of having a friend who is all of the above, so I'm somewhat of an expert on this issue!

A necrophiliac is someone who is interested, or even obsessed, with corpses and death.

A necromaniac takes the next step and finds himself sexually attracted to dead bodies. You may find such a person hanging out in cemeteries, exhuming corpses, picking the maggots off it, and perhaps grinding a bit of inanimate skeletal bone.

Note that an early indication of necromania is an attraction to Gwynneth Paltrow.

And a necromancer is all of the above, but more of a gentleman. He will usually take the corpse out for dinner, maybe a chick-flick or a nice museum trip (apparently corpses love Madame Tussaud's!) before taking it home to a bed scattered with rose petals, scented candles and romantic music.

And pounding the shit out of that corpse till the twilight hours.

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Be a gentleman, biyatch!

Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry.

How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?


A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.

The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".

And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.

It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.

Or, even better, an actual rock star called RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.

Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?

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Construction Site Snub

Q: Do blue-collar workmen still harrass attractive young ladies with wolf-whistles and lewd comments, or has political correctness found its way into the construction site too?

The reason I ask is that I passed one the other day and... not a sound! I could hear crickets chirping!


A: Yes, they most certainly do! The construction site is the last place on Earth that political correctness is likely to surface.

Believe it or not, these guys spend hours training in front of the mirror at home to achieve their signature wolf-whistle. In fact, eventhough the public isn't usually privvy to it, the construction industry actually carries out its own bi-annual wolf-whistling olympics!

The current event roster includes:

• "Fright-jump", where competitors wolf-whistle at skittish women to see how high they can make them jump in fear. The current record is 139.2cm, during which the skittish woman was actually badly injured, causing controversy within the construction industry ranks.
  


• "Smash-athalon", where contestants attempt to wolf-whistle at just the right frequency and volume to shatter the car windows, eyeglasses and jewelry of passers-by.



• "Wrong-frump", where competitors are presented with a series of women of varying degrees of attractiveness and challenged to decide whether or not to perform a wolf-whistle. If they choose unwisely, it's called the "wrong-frump" and the erroneous competitor will be beaten within an inch of his life by the others.

But I digress. The point is that, while I'd like to tell you that the silence you experienced was simply due to the workers' chapped lips restricting their ability to whistle, the fact is that there is really nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop any self-respecting construction worker from issuing a loud, demeaning whistle at pretty much any half-decent looking female that walks by.

I'd consult your bathroom mirror before investigating any further.

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Ass about?

Q: I understand why men like breasts; breasts are AWESOME!

But why do men like asses? I mean, everyone has an ass, right?

A: Men's attraction to breasts is a logical anthropoligical phenomenon, as breasts are one of the key distinguishing factors between men and women.

However, what about so-called ass men? Despite the differences between men's behinds and women's, the buttocks of each sex are similar enough to assume that an ass man would be equally attracted to male and female rear-ends.

Anthropologists used to expound that men like women's buttocks because they remind them of breasts. This explanation always bothered me, as buttocks do not have nipples, and of course, breasts don't have an anus smack bang in the middle of them.

However, recent tomfoolery in the northern Arctic has shed light on a new possibility. A group of scientists, supposedly studying the Aurora Borealis, decided it would be amusing to constantly urinate in exactly the same spot in the ice. This went on for several years, until they managed to drill a hole so deep that they accidentally uncovered ancient carvings buried in the ice core.

These carvings, although primitive, clearly showed pregnant women carrying babies in their buttocks and giving birth through their anuses. This indicates that the ancient method of child birth may have been to effectively poop the baby out instead of the conventional vaginal birth we know and accept today.

So perhaps man's primitive brain still recalls a time when a woman's engorged buttocks was a sign of fertility, and hence craves booty as a result. It is too early to tell, but the science is certainly exciting!

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Love leper

Q: Hi - how should a 33 year old single mother go about picking up some weekly casual cuddling/sex?

A: You present your question as if your age and situation are disadvantages. Perhaps in a vast majority of male eyes they are, but let me tell you from experience that there is someone for everyone out there.

I once met an extremely obese girl who was virtually swimming in offers for sex, relationships and even marriage.

Personally, I found her appearance - with her metal-shop-teacher arms, papier-mâché midriff and seventeen-point-two chins - distasteful, repugnant and nauseating, so I asked her out of curiosity how she did it. She said she had simply found a website that offered to hook up freakish male fetishists with the chubby funsters they craved.

Sadly, she is no longer with us, as one of her suitors turned out to be a serial killer who liked to take the fat from overweight women and deep-fry their eyeballs in it.

Not to worry, though - the internet is a great and fun way to turn what you see as disadvantages into advantages. Because, cliched as it sounds, one man's trash is another man's treasure.

If all else fails, I have a one-legged, mentally-retarded, midget half-brother called Norkie who's hard-pressed for a date. He's does have a horrifically vicious violent streak, but would be much more grateful for the attention than a "normal" guy. His penis seems to function fine when he rubs warm wasabe all over his body and masturbates like a wild orang utan.

We keep him confined to a padded room in my sister's basement, but we could set up a foam table with plastic wine glasses and cutlery for a nice candlelit dinner. Actually scratch the candles, as the sight of fire sometimes makes him scream incessantly for weeks.

Worth some thought in a pinch.

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Female form-ula

Q: What is it about the female form that drives men crazy?

I have $50K to spend on reconstruction and I want to use my money wisely.

A: Since your sign off is a non-gender-specific name, I am unable to determine if you are contemplating a sex change, or just enhancement surgery.

Either way, if you want to drive men crazy, the same principals apply. Start with the breasts. Men really like breasts. Often men will tell you they like buttocks, but the truth is they only like buttocks because they look like breasts and are confusing them. The truth is, anthropologically speaking, men are programmed to look for traits that uniquely identify a potential mating partner as the opposite sex. Breasts are the best indication of this, as the only men who have breasts are extremely overweight and can be immediately ruled out as sexual partners. Plus, these are often easily identified as moobs (man-boobs) and not those exquisite, baby-feeding love-humps on a woman's chest known as breasts.

I can tell you this, though: one thing that does NOT drive men crazy is a spliced penis, turned inside out and twisted inside the abdomen to mimick a vagina. I would never advocate dishonesty in sexual relations, but you might want to keep that part to yourself unless presented with a very specific, unambiguous question.

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Flawed fling: an update

Q: I recently spoke to Cocky 22 who said to me over the phone 'let me give you a hint - I like the chase'. This from the same brain who expects me to speak for 3hrs on the phone, take an interest in his life, be funny etc without him having to do a thing! What should be my response?

A: He seems to be trying to give you a hint here. Let me just gaze into my crystall ball here and see... oh it seems he likes the chase!

But seriously, if he likes the chase, give him one. Move to Bolivia.

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Gay abandon

Q: I once saw my auntie's VJ. Does this make me a homosexual? What makes someone gay?

A: I assume by VJ you are referring to your aunt's vagina. If this isn't the case, I apologise for making this answer about genitalia when it was actually about Video-disc Jockeys.

I think the question you've asked completely depends on context.

For example, if you saw your aunt's vagina while tickling your uncle's testicles in the attic, well, yes, that's a little gay. But if you saw it through a keyhole while you were having sex with two female twins at the same time, that's not gay (albeit a little incestuous for the twins).

If you immediately went and had sex with a man upon seeing your aunt's vagina, then you might conclude they are related. But, in truth, your aunt's vagina is probably a massive red-herring'd scapegoat in this case. You were probably gay before you saw it.

There are many things that make someone gay, such as boredom, birth defects or lack of women, but seeing your aunt's vagina isn't one of them.

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Beauty got you beat?

Q: I am an incredibly beautiful woman, and I suppose I should be grateful, but I am getting sick of the attention from men and even other women. It's getting to the point that I can't even take the bus anymore, as I will feel so many eyes on me, it's almost unbearable (I'm quite shy and insecure on the inside). Women refuse to be my friends due to jealousy and envy.

I'm desperate - what can I do to avoid this constant attention?

A: This is becoming an increasing problem in modern Western society, but, fear not! There is a solution!

There is a new cosmetic procedure called de-beautifying, which, while radical, cures the condition of extreme beauty like the disease it sometimes is.

The process involves several weeks of beating, slashing and burning, which results in hideous permanent scars that will avert the gaze of even the most voyeuristic observer. Eye contact becomes a thing of the past, as people are struck by the awkwardness and embarrassment of your vomit-inducing appearance.

A couple of reputable companies you could Google if you're interested in this excellent service:

• Hideoso Inc.
• AAA-WeWhackUHard
• Kavorkian De-Beautifiers
• Pot-Lickers: The Ugly-Makers

Some of these services also double as very effective debt-collection agencies.

Good luck, and may you hit every branch on the way down, on your graceful dive from the ugly tree.

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Anyone seen a dancing star fish?

Q: I've found that girls who dance well are much better at having sex. Girls who show no rhythmical ability or aesthetic beauty when dancing to music are less satisfying to me even if they are smokin hot. Do you agree? I'll take an average looking chick with the dope moves over a smokin hot starfish any day.

A: I will not comment on the statement that you are considering having sex with a starfish, except to caution you that they have tiny, dagger-like bones jutting out of their skin.

Dancing is often considered a rehearsal or preview of the sex act, so I'm not surprised about your preference at all. I once slept with an extremely overweight woman because I liked the way she jiggled.

However, a common mistake men make is thinking that the phenomenon is reciprocated. Women have no interest in the way men dance, and are most often turned off by the attempt, no matter how successful it may be.

Women's sexual response is triggered exclusively by her olfactory senses, so don some Old Spice by all means, but sit the hell down no matter how much you like the song.

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