On a roll...

Q: Why is it that no-one understands my need of having the toilet paper over the top rather than underneath? How do you like it Harv?


A: No one understands it, because they don't have a doctorate in psychology, and hence cannot understand that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You are also probably a complete hoarder, am I right?

"Turd Burglar" magazine hosts an annual poll on exactly this subject. Up until 2002, the results were pretty much 50-50. In 2003, they added a third response, which was "I care even less about this than the possibility Lindsay Lohan will be molested and eaten by a gang of horny bears with lion claws and shark teeth in her LA home".

Since then, the latter response has received 97.2% support.

As for my own preference? Well, I invented an automatic dispenser which deploys toilet paper directly onto my asshole whenever it detects faecal matter. It also charges my iPod.

And I roll it in the middle. But I'm not going to tell you how I do it.

Read more...

Penile Denial

Q: Recently I discovered a pimple on my penis. I decided to get a second opinion and opted for a friend to inspect my meat mallett and give me his expert advice. His diagnosis was that it was just a pimple and immediately declared my trouser snake "as clean as a whistle".

If its a pimple, how would it appear in that region? Could it be anything else?

A: I certainly don't want to worry you unneccesarily, dear reader. But yes, it could well be something much worse than a harmless pimple.

Let's investigate the odds that you really could have a pimple on your penis. I've never had one myself and never heard anyone complain about one. But that's hardly science, is it?

To get a better idea, I rang a sweaty, obese, lard-eating, vegetable-adverse and uncircumcised friend of mine named "Beefy". This guy has had pimples on every visible surface of his body, and, I aways assumed, even the (mercifully) non-visible spots. He verified that he has had pimples almost everywhere conceivable, including his nipple, under his fingernails and even his eyeball. Apparently the latter was painful.

He has, however, never had a pimple on his penis.

So despite the comforting, albeit slightly homo-erotic, assertion of your presumably non-medically-trained friend, you should probably get yourself to a speciallist medical professional.

Because it's very likely you have herpes.

Read more...

This question is a mite weighty!

Q: How many dust mites in a kilo? Do female dust mites (non pregnant) weigh more than males? How much methane is in a dust mite fart?

A: For a minute there, I thought you were going to ask me which weighed more, a kilo of dust mites or a kilo of feathers!

Believe it or not, reader, I'm a bit of a dust mite fanatic myself! It's an amazing creature which has made it through the ages without evolving significantly, or selling out and becoming cute to parasitically prey on other species' sympathies, like puppies or human babies. No, your dust mite is ugly, angry and inexplicably proud of it, much like Beyonce's Sascha Fierce.

There is, indeed, a fairly slanderous rumour going around that female dust mites are heavier than males. There is no science behind the rumour, and I believe it was started by anti-dust-mite movements to discredit female dust mites and cause them to diet excessively, possibly even into starvation. I even saw a new magazine on the stands the other day called Cos-mite-politan, which is cover-to-cover with unrealistic body-images for female dust mites. I'm not one for causes, but this has to stop.

Admittedly, female dust mites do carry the burden of excessively large genitals, but this is offset by the fact that their heads are marketly smaller that males.

As for the weight of a dust mite, that can vary significantly from region to region. If you've ever heard the myth that dead dust mites and their fecal matter can double the weight of your mattress or pillow after just one year of use, then you've probably heard it immediately dismissed by scientists and medical professionals as fanciful fiction.

Well, evidently those scientists and medical professionals have never been to Venezuela, where the average dust mite weighs in excess of 1E-14 milligrams, which is a lot for a dust mite, believe me! Not only can dust mites that heavy contribute to a significant portion of the weight of a pillow over time, eventually, they can BECOME the pillow.

And interestingly, dust mites can't fart.

Read more...

Anyone seen a dancing star fish?

Q: I've found that girls who dance well are much better at having sex. Girls who show no rhythmical ability or aesthetic beauty when dancing to music are less satisfying to me even if they are smokin hot. Do you agree? I'll take an average looking chick with the dope moves over a smokin hot starfish any day.

A: I will not comment on the statement that you are considering having sex with a starfish, except to caution you that they have tiny, dagger-like bones jutting out of their skin.

Dancing is often considered a rehearsal or preview of the sex act, so I'm not surprised about your preference at all. I once slept with an extremely overweight woman because I liked the way she jiggled.

However, a common mistake men make is thinking that the phenomenon is reciprocated. Women have no interest in the way men dance, and are most often turned off by the attempt, no matter how successful it may be.

Women's sexual response is triggered exclusively by her olfactory senses, so don some Old Spice by all means, but sit the hell down no matter how much you like the song.

Read more...

Swine violence

Q: With the recent swine flu epidemic, I have had an urge to punch people in the throat everytime they sneeze anywhere near me. Is my urge justified?

A: Yes, it is most certainly justified, albeit mildly psychotic.

If you decide to act on this impulse, may I suggest doing so when law enforcement professionals are nowhere in sight.

Also, you might want to consider punching stray sneezers in the nose instead, as this would have a good chance of blocking their nasal cavity, thus disabling their ability to spread the infection for 24 hours or more.

I wish you luck on your endeavours.

Read more...

Wind in the willies

Q: I keep getting fartholes in my underpants. I've tried buying reinforced ones and it doesnt help, I just fart right through em all eventually. I'm obviously quite flatulent. Any advice on how I might rid myself of this terrible affliction?

A: Studies show that milk causes you to fart 30 times more than non-milk-drinkers. Are you drinking a lot of milk?

Assuming you cannot reduce the amount of times you fart, we're down to techniques to contain the farts, or at least reduce their potency.

This is much easier than you might think. Ask yourself, what is the opposite of a fart? It's not cotton or latex, is it?

No, the opposite of fart is a flower. More specifically, the best smelling flower; a rose. Simply stuff your pants with rose petals and your farts will be completely nullified.

It sounds like you're going to need a lot of roses.

Read more...