Proximity Alert

Q: Why do people you love hurt you?

A: Ah, the classic conundrum!

Let me answer your question with another question, dear reader: Who else is going to hurt you -- people you hate?

I'm assuming here that you're relatively normal and don't go out of your way to surround yourself with people whom you utterly despise? Are you making the age-old mistake of hanging out with pedophiles, necrophiliacs or perhaps Veronica?

If so, that's gonna be a problem, because those dudes will most likely rape you -- regardless of age, gender or pulse.

If that's not the case, then who else has access? You guessed it, the people you love!

So it's generally a matter of proximity.

It's probably true that your enemies would like nothing more than to punch you in the throat and push you into a pile of garbage while you're gagging for air. But if you don't let them close to you, collapsing your windpipe with a swift karate punch is simply not an option.

Honestly, the easiest way to not get hurt is to be cool like Fonzie (and myself) and not care about anything.

[starts jukebox with a casual bump of the elbow]

Eeeeeeh!


PS: I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't also mention the possibility that the people you love do, indeed, hate you. Perhaps they are the types that subscribe to "keep your enemies close"?

I wouldn't advise you to get paranoid, but it's entirely possible that they are all out to get you. Perhaps they even have secret meetings about how to best make your life utter hell while you're out experimenting on your cats, or watching torture porn. You just never know for sure.

KEEP ALL YOUR EYES OPEN!

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More Interesting Than Watching Paint Dry!

Q: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

A: Yes! And what does one do with a painting of four billion stars?

Great question, dear reader! This syndrome is a well-known aspect of human thought processes (or lack thereof) called the "Ignorami Factor", first described by the brilliant philanthropic egomaniac Ignatious Ignorami.

Basically, what the principle infers is that humans are more susceptible to accepting unverifiable facts when they are larger and more elaborate.

In even simpler terms: the bigger the lie, the more likely people are to believe it.

This can be seen in many aspects of modern life, and many "facts" presented to us by popular culture and the media. Some examples:

• Money makes the world go round. But, yeah, isn't it also the root of all evil. So what then? Is the world evil?
  (note: I actually think this particular contradiction was due to a simple typo. I'll let you decide if it should have been "monkey makes the world go round" or "monkey is the root of all evil.")
• Michael Jackson is dead. Yah, er... ok, suuure he is. But first he made a DVD and a couple of new songs! In no way has that been convenient for him and his estate!
• The tragedy of 9-11 was perpetuated by terrorists. Oh really!? If you could see how much evidence I had to indicate it was an act of war by an alien species, your heart would probably stop.
• Veronica is not a whore. I assure you all, dear readers, she most certainly is.

I could go on. To be honest, following a childhood incident with a hot iron, some black duck feathers and an oversized novelty hammer, I have been fighting this syndrome myself for many years, but my nature is to verify every fact for myself.

So, yes, I have counted the stars and it's nowhere near four billion!

I also verified Michael Jackson's "death", and... well... I can't reveal too much of that because it might involve illegally exhuming his corpse, which I definitely DIDN'T do.

And I have those happy snaps to prove the Veronica thing. Who wants to see them?

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Ladies and gentlemen... Buckethead!

Q: I know it's cliche but I'm putting together a list of all the things that I want to do before I die.

The thing is, I'm a terrible procrastinator and have already wasted 13 weeks making the list... please help.


A: I've got a counter-question: When are you going to die?

I mean if you're dying of cancer or venereal disease complications in 1 week, lets try to keep your "bucket-list" a little realistic! We may not be adding "solve world hunger", or "write the best symphony the world has ever heard" if you're gonna keel over in less time it takes a tick to raise its young!

Better we put things in there like... keep an empty bowel, so you don't shit the bed when you fade away... and hide (or disguise) your wanking cream - whether it be vaseline, KY or some sort of hand cream with soothing aloe - so your mom doesn't know you're such a horn-bag after you're dead

If you've got a lifetime to live, then you can possibly hope to make the Guiness Book of World records (most likely with some lame stunt that becomes a record because no one is dumb enough to try it before), win a gold medal, or achieve that one thing that escapes most human beings before they die: shagging a supermodel.

These types of concerns are exactly the reason most people don't commit suicide. If you had to achieve all this stuff before you did it, you'd never get the noose around your neck!

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Veronica is a whore

Q: I've heard that some men are lazy, impotent morons who couldn't even get it up for a supermodel. Is that true?

A: Yes, Veronica, that is true. However it is also true that some women are annoying, insatiable, alcoholic hypocrites who should just shut their whore mouths instead of harrassing their ex-husbands with banal questions.

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A bit of a downer

Q: How can you make a guy go down on you? Or better yet, if you've been down on him how do you ask why he hasn't on you? And prepare yourself for a brutal answer?

A: In caveman times, women would simply grab a male by the ears, position his head, and then slowly begin to twist. Eventually the man would yeild in the face of having his ears torn off.

Granted, this typically occurred after the male had slammed the female over the head with a makeshift hammer (usually a coconut attached to the end of a stick) and raped her repeatedly.

Things were tough in caveman times, but remarkably simple.

The modern equivalent of this would be to hold back from cooking your man a meal, or washing his clothes, until he has given you the oral sex you require. Soon his washing basket will begin to overflow and his stomach will begin to rumble, and he will instigate radical behaviour modification in an effort to change the outcomes.

Once he stumbles across the answer - oral sex = food & washing done - he will be going down on you at every opportunity.

Trust me, talk is overated.

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Keeping your mum... well... mum

Q: The other day some guy set fire to his apartment, and when the brave fireman came to rescue him from his window - sprayed him in the face with pepper spray.

My mum used to say everyone is created equal... but that's bulls*** - there's wack-jobs all around us, right?

A: Hehe, yeah, you nailed it reader, there certainly are whack-jobs everywhere.

We learn to reject our parents' ideals over time, and your questioning of your mother's judgement is just a sign of maturity.

Your mum was wrong. And probably a high class madam.

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