Construction Site Snub

Q: Do blue-collar workmen still harrass attractive young ladies with wolf-whistles and lewd comments, or has political correctness found its way into the construction site too?

The reason I ask is that I passed one the other day and... not a sound! I could hear crickets chirping!


A: Yes, they most certainly do! The construction site is the last place on Earth that political correctness is likely to surface.

Believe it or not, these guys spend hours training in front of the mirror at home to achieve their signature wolf-whistle. In fact, eventhough the public isn't usually privvy to it, the construction industry actually carries out its own bi-annual wolf-whistling olympics!

The current event roster includes:

• "Fright-jump", where competitors wolf-whistle at skittish women to see how high they can make them jump in fear. The current record is 139.2cm, during which the skittish woman was actually badly injured, causing controversy within the construction industry ranks.
  


• "Smash-athalon", where contestants attempt to wolf-whistle at just the right frequency and volume to shatter the car windows, eyeglasses and jewelry of passers-by.



• "Wrong-frump", where competitors are presented with a series of women of varying degrees of attractiveness and challenged to decide whether or not to perform a wolf-whistle. If they choose unwisely, it's called the "wrong-frump" and the erroneous competitor will be beaten within an inch of his life by the others.

But I digress. The point is that, while I'd like to tell you that the silence you experienced was simply due to the workers' chapped lips restricting their ability to whistle, the fact is that there is really nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop any self-respecting construction worker from issuing a loud, demeaning whistle at pretty much any half-decent looking female that walks by.

I'd consult your bathroom mirror before investigating any further.

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Feline facial fallacy

Q: I recently had cosmetic surgery to reconstruct a dramatically sunken jawbone. The surgery went well and I'm very happy with my new chin.

But now, suddenly, my cat, Mr. Tinkles, appears to hate me.

He screws up his face when I pet him, keeps urinating on my laundry and will often cross to the other side of the yard when I come outside to sunbake. Sometimes I suspect he is trying to kill me.

I'm at a loss! Should I get my chin changed back?

A: Yes, I'm afraid the only option - if you love you Mr. Tinkles, as you claim - is to change your chin back to its previous semi-deformed state.

Cats imprint on their owners, much like ducklings or platypus elders, and once this imprinting is complete, it cannot be undone or re-taught.

Mr Tinkles memorised the appearance of his food source long ago, and now you've put him in the uncomfrotable position of living with some weird stranger in the house, waiting until his real owner returns to resume their symbiotic relationship. To be honest, you're lucky he's only peeing on your clothes and witholding affection - he's just as likely to claw your face into red flesh-ribbons during the night.

Choice time, kiddo. It's either your own vanity, or the love of your feline companion. Make your choice.

PS: If you're having trouble funding the cosmetic reversal, may I suggest going to bar, approaching the toughest guy in the place, and calling him a flaming homosexual. He will gladly perform the corrective surgery you need free of charge, albeit with a marked lack of precision.

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A dying breed

Q: As you probably know, few endagered species are threatened as seriously as the wobble-nosed mungbat from Northern Russia. I just returned from a 14 year field trip studying the mungbat with my wife and the experience has changed us at a fundamental level.

I wondered perhaps if you might post this to raise awareness of the poor mungbat's plight and perhaps fill in your readers on what makes this special little creature, well... special.

A: Yes, I am well aware of the plight of the poor wobble-nosed mungbat. It is, however, from Central Russia, not the north.

I have actually been privellaged enough to cradle one of the last remaining half-dozen or so mungbats in my arms, crying openly like a child with no gifts on Christmas day, wailing and moaning over the dying creature's seemingly inevitable fate.

When I was subsequently informed that the mungbats are highly allergic to human tears, and that I had inadvertantly dripped a few onto the mungbat's skin, infecting the tiny creature with an incurable flesh-eating skin disease, my sorrow only deepened.

For those that don't know, the wobble-nosed mungbat is a rare species of mammal whose stool is believed to be one of the most resilient substances on Earth. Once a mungbat drops off a brown boy at the pool, the stool will not decompose, bend, or change texture without complex molecular coersion. This stool can be fashioned into stylish furniture, tools, or even complex machinery that will effectively last forever.

Once the last mungbat dies, so will our best chance at creating a renewable, sustainable society.

Plus, they're just so cute... so, please, readers... help save the wobble-nosed mungbat!

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The age of reluctance

Q: How should one age gracefully without really wanting to?

A: That's like asking how to choose the prettiest carnival freak. The truth is there's nothing graceful about ageing. It's a pride-swallowing, soul-sucking process that nature imposes on us while laughing uproariously.

Luckily for you, there is a product called "Wobble-Stopper" coming on the market (it's not yet FDA approved) that can actually halt the ageing process. It comes in the form of a cream that completely stops the ageing process on part of the body it's applied to. I've been trialling it for years and it works a charm.

However, I was a little lazy when applying the cream, so now I have a generally youthful appearance with wrinkly ears, eyelids and lips. It doesn't sound so bad, but I do look like a freak.

Oh yeah and I live in La-la land, where I ride rainbow ponies drink from the champagne river.

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Beauty got you beat?

Q: I am an incredibly beautiful woman, and I suppose I should be grateful, but I am getting sick of the attention from men and even other women. It's getting to the point that I can't even take the bus anymore, as I will feel so many eyes on me, it's almost unbearable (I'm quite shy and insecure on the inside). Women refuse to be my friends due to jealousy and envy.

I'm desperate - what can I do to avoid this constant attention?

A: This is becoming an increasing problem in modern Western society, but, fear not! There is a solution!

There is a new cosmetic procedure called de-beautifying, which, while radical, cures the condition of extreme beauty like the disease it sometimes is.

The process involves several weeks of beating, slashing and burning, which results in hideous permanent scars that will avert the gaze of even the most voyeuristic observer. Eye contact becomes a thing of the past, as people are struck by the awkwardness and embarrassment of your vomit-inducing appearance.

A couple of reputable companies you could Google if you're interested in this excellent service:

• Hideoso Inc.
• AAA-WeWhackUHard
• Kavorkian De-Beautifiers
• Pot-Lickers: The Ugly-Makers

Some of these services also double as very effective debt-collection agencies.

Good luck, and may you hit every branch on the way down, on your graceful dive from the ugly tree.

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Anyone seen a dancing star fish?

Q: I've found that girls who dance well are much better at having sex. Girls who show no rhythmical ability or aesthetic beauty when dancing to music are less satisfying to me even if they are smokin hot. Do you agree? I'll take an average looking chick with the dope moves over a smokin hot starfish any day.

A: I will not comment on the statement that you are considering having sex with a starfish, except to caution you that they have tiny, dagger-like bones jutting out of their skin.

Dancing is often considered a rehearsal or preview of the sex act, so I'm not surprised about your preference at all. I once slept with an extremely overweight woman because I liked the way she jiggled.

However, a common mistake men make is thinking that the phenomenon is reciprocated. Women have no interest in the way men dance, and are most often turned off by the attempt, no matter how successful it may be.

Women's sexual response is triggered exclusively by her olfactory senses, so don some Old Spice by all means, but sit the hell down no matter how much you like the song.

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A hit for the team

Q: Over the past couple of years there has been numerous accounts of rugby league footballers engaging in "group sex". Most recently, 3 Brisbane Broncos players had sex with a 22 year old female in a toilet cubicle of a night club and as reported 3 weeks ago, 11 Cronulla Sharks players had sex with a 19 year old waitress whilst touring New Zealand.

Who really is the victim ? If a girl gives consent at the time and the other parties arent concerned with "banging heads" ( pardon the pun ) then what is all the fuss about ? Is there a case to answer for the high profile footballers? have you ever engaged in group sex ?

IMO, the young lady in NZ should have kept quiet whilst having sex , everyone knows that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other Sharks.

A: This is a storm in a teacup which has been blown out of all proprtion. There is no victim, and there is no winner.

The truth is that these footballers are part of a world-wide humanitarian group called the "Altruistic Adonises". The goal of this group is to further the diversification of the human race by ensuring that even physically disadvantaged or unfit men are able to find attractive women with which to procreate.

To achieve this, they target male groups that are much better looking than the rest of us and encourage several measures to keep them from "hogging" all the women.

One of those measures is to share females in order to free up others to copulate with less attractive men. It is not "group sex" in the typical definition, but a way to conserve the female resources of our society.

Several football clubs list the "Altruistic Adonises" as a requirement of team membership.

I, for one, salute them for their continuing effort to give us nerds time on the playing field!

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Fug wants a date

Q: My friend recently started going on dating websites. They always ask for a profile picture saying it increases your chances. So he says anyway, I wouldn't know. He keeps asking if it's wrong to use a picture of someone else. Can you give him some advice so I can get him to stop nagging me??

A: For simplicity's sake, let's give your friend a nickname, ok? Let's call him "you".

Thanks for enclosing the photo of yourself, as this has greatly coloured my answer on this one.

You are a horrifically unattractive man, and I cannot in good conscience advise you to spread photographs of yourself anywhere for public consumption. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that if you do show that photo to anyone else, I would feel obliged to call the police.

So yes, please, use a photo of your favourite porn star, because no one wants to see a face that closely resembles a dropped breakfast.

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Insivible beauty

Q: How come they say "All people are beautiful on the inside" ? On Prison Break everyone was f***kin' ugly.

A: I suspect, reader, you have already come to the conclusion that they - they being other ugly people and some misinformed scientists - say that to make ugly people feel better about themselves.

The truth is that being beautiful on the inside, even if it were scientifically possible, would be redundant except in the case of heavily mutilated murder victims. No one is going to see your inside, and if they do, you're probably dead.

I guess, if you're trying to pick up your x-ray or Endoscopy technician, it's also a plus in that specific case.

PS: I think you're misjudging Prison Break. I find Lincoln quite fetching in his self-assured masculinity.

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