Speakers now, or forever lose the peace..

Q: Why do people persist with listening to their phones thru the shitty internal speaker? It sounds crappy and annoys the hell out of everyone around them.

Has consideration for other people been squashed? Whats wrong with society today?


A: I have long lobbied Nokia to adopt my special micro-speaker technology, which can produce professional quality sound from an electromagnetic diode no larger than a thumb tack. I am willing to give it away for free to solve this very problem.

But you're right, this is all part of a larger problem. Not only do people listen to poor quality sound in public places, but they display other discourtesies that are simply not becoming of a gentleman, and make life in public areas almost intolerable.

For example:

• Farting in elevators has risen 26% in the past 3 years.
• The volume of patrons' chewing in restaurants has doubled in the space of 5 years.
• People throwing their own faeces on public transportation has become a measurable statistic, with 4.2% of the population engaged in the activity.
• Reach-arounds in homosexual relationships have dropped 17% in 18 months.
• The number of female celebrities doing nude scenes has declined to 7 per year in Hollywood.

It really is a sorry state of affairs. Gentlemen -- such as you and I, dear reader -- are a dying breed. It won't be long before a trip to the supermarket involves a mugging, cursory rape, and a thorough tar-and-feathering to boot!

Sometimes I wonder if I should devote my considerable genius to the eradication of the human race. But then I realise we've been doing that for generations already, and it's a project that is already proving effective.

Then I sleep well at night.

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On a roll...

Q: Why is it that no-one understands my need of having the toilet paper over the top rather than underneath? How do you like it Harv?


A: No one understands it, because they don't have a doctorate in psychology, and hence cannot understand that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You are also probably a complete hoarder, am I right?

"Turd Burglar" magazine hosts an annual poll on exactly this subject. Up until 2002, the results were pretty much 50-50. In 2003, they added a third response, which was "I care even less about this than the possibility Lindsay Lohan will be molested and eaten by a gang of horny bears with lion claws and shark teeth in her LA home".

Since then, the latter response has received 97.2% support.

As for my own preference? Well, I invented an automatic dispenser which deploys toilet paper directly onto my asshole whenever it detects faecal matter. It also charges my iPod.

And I roll it in the middle. But I'm not going to tell you how I do it.

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Aussie Born and Bread

Q: Hey Harv sup!!!

Heres a curly one for you - what is the minimum time one must examine loaves of bread at the supermarket to ultimately find the loaf that has no holes in it and is not squashed. I would appreciate your answer because I feel my life could be better spent doing more important things!!!!!

Thx Harv xxx


A: I would guess from your question that you are from Australia, as this is a major concern in your home country.

When the fresh bread arrives at an Aussie supermarket, it has customers salivating more than Pavlov's dogs when they hear Santa's sleigh approaching.

Even in non-peak times, it can resemble the cream puff stand at a 'Fight Obesity' Expo.

I read that bread-related crime in Australia is still on the rise, and in 2008 was 400% higher than any comparable country. The holes you mentioned in your question are usually bullet holes and stab marks from over-zealous shoppers.

I had a cousin bludgeoned to death in an Australian supermarket over a packet of English Muffins and a bag of Damper.

Hence, the best method for buying bread in Australia is to avoid it, and make your own.

This problem does not occur to the same extent in other regions, but every system has it's issues:

• England: if two people approach the bread stand at the same time, they are usually caught in an infinite cycle, "no, after you, I insist" to each other over and over.
• America: people don't use the bread stand at all. Instead they just stand nearby and loudly announce they need bread NOW and wait for someone in customer service to get it for them.
• Europe: people don't have time to get their own bread, as they are too busy drinking, smoking, looking cool and having casual sex.
• Asia: there is a stand in the supermarket that is clearly labelled "bread", but it is invariably stocked with rice.

You've certainly raised a major issue, and I'm glad it had been brought to my readers' collective attention.

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Be a gentleman, biyatch!

Q: Are the days of chivalry towards women really dead and buried? It seems to me gone are the days when a man would open a car door for his woman, give up his jacket when she was cold and express such qualities as bravery, courtesy, honour and gallantry.

How does a man sweep a woman of her feet in the 2010's ?


A: Yes, so true, dear reader. There aren't many of us left, kind sir.

The other week, I was at a restaurant, dining alone, when a couple came in and was shown to their seats. The young man came around to the other side of the table, nudged the Maître d' aside and pulled out the chair for his lady-friend. "Please," he said kindly, "Plonk your sexy ass down 'ere, biyach".

And when she sat down, the chair made a squeaking sound and he accused her of farting.

It seems feminism has quashed all hopes of the nice guy winning in the end, dear reader. Women these days like leather-wearing, beer-swilling, tattooed rock-star-types.

Or, even better, an actual rock star called RAED2THEMOTHERFUCKINEND, who was actually dumb enough to change his name officially by Deed Poll.

Isn't that right, Veronica, you whorish tart?

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Construction Site Snub

Q: Do blue-collar workmen still harrass attractive young ladies with wolf-whistles and lewd comments, or has political correctness found its way into the construction site too?

The reason I ask is that I passed one the other day and... not a sound! I could hear crickets chirping!


A: Yes, they most certainly do! The construction site is the last place on Earth that political correctness is likely to surface.

Believe it or not, these guys spend hours training in front of the mirror at home to achieve their signature wolf-whistle. In fact, eventhough the public isn't usually privvy to it, the construction industry actually carries out its own bi-annual wolf-whistling olympics!

The current event roster includes:

• "Fright-jump", where competitors wolf-whistle at skittish women to see how high they can make them jump in fear. The current record is 139.2cm, during which the skittish woman was actually badly injured, causing controversy within the construction industry ranks.
  


• "Smash-athalon", where contestants attempt to wolf-whistle at just the right frequency and volume to shatter the car windows, eyeglasses and jewelry of passers-by.



• "Wrong-frump", where competitors are presented with a series of women of varying degrees of attractiveness and challenged to decide whether or not to perform a wolf-whistle. If they choose unwisely, it's called the "wrong-frump" and the erroneous competitor will be beaten within an inch of his life by the others.

But I digress. The point is that, while I'd like to tell you that the silence you experienced was simply due to the workers' chapped lips restricting their ability to whistle, the fact is that there is really nothing in heaven or on earth that will stop any self-respecting construction worker from issuing a loud, demeaning whistle at pretty much any half-decent looking female that walks by.

I'd consult your bathroom mirror before investigating any further.

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Pogo Challenge

Q: I have a question about your response to the Bruce Springsteen question.

What a coincidence he was named "Pogo" and then happened to have "an unfortunate accident which involved a juicy t-bone steak, a malicious neighbourhood bully, and a lawmower..."

The whole thing smacks of complete bulls**t to me.

A: First of all, I have to point out that, gramatically, your messge contains no question. Notice the absence of a question mark?

However, since I get your meaning and I suspect you're not the first to question my credibility, I decided to respond.

Pogo was very young when the accident occurred... in fact he was part of a large litter and had not yet been named. When he had his accident, his owners were inspired to name him Pogo and keep him instead of selling him off with the rest of the litter.

Geddittt!?

I posted a photo of Pogo... there was hardly any doubt.

Now, I know it's my job to answer questions, but let me ask one for a change: how was it you were brought up so badly, you felt it was appropriate to make fun of a poor deformed, useless puppy, whose only pleasure in life is popping bubble-wrap three bubbles at a time, and exploring the texture of his disgusting scarred testicles with his tongue?

Are you an insane sadist? I'm curious... Would you also laugh at a mobility disabled person, or someone who is height challenged?

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Latin language lapse

Q: There are many words for sexually active women, such as slut, whore, or tart. What are the equivalent words for men?

A: You've picked up on a rather hypocritical English language deficiency here, one which often bothers women in Western cultures.

There are very few words to describe promiscuous men with negative connotations.

However, while this is a language problem shared by most Latin-based dialects, it does not apply to most other languages. Here are a few examples:

• The Arabic "Ackkharr bashdikkhar", which means, "he who sharpens his sword and uses it to slice many ovaries."
• The Hebrew word "Manditara-hassar", which translates to, "he who is likely to, and fully deserves to, have his penis rot off from AIDS or Syphillis."
• The Cantonese word "Dik wok dong willy dik-dok", which means "a man who would enjoy rape, paedophilia and necrophilia if his partner were unwilling, underage, or dead."

However, sexual liberation should be viewed as a positive thing, and instead of adding negative words for sexually promiscuous men, perhaps we should endeavour to endear words such as slut, tart and whore with positive connotations. We can do this in our own lives by simply beginning to use the words in positive light.

Maybe call your mum and greet her with a simple, "Hey slut, what's going down?". Visit your grandma in the nursing home, don a wide grin, and repeatedly refer to her as a massive hoe in front of staff and friends. Or even help promote your favourite female government representative by putting up sign that proclaims her as "the smartest old tart in politics."

Initially, such language usage would probably be frowned upon, but if you manage to avoid injury and jail-time, you'll be furthering the noble cause to unbias the English language permanently.

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Friendly Fling

Q: Is it ok to have sex with your toyboy's best friend if toyboy has decided he only wants you for a fling?

A: Not only is it ok, but in some cultures it would be expected.

For instance, in the Mayan culture in 2000 BC, assumed every woman would have both a husband and several sex slaves. The husband would prefer that his friends were used as sex slaves, because he could keep an eye on them and spread the love of his good wife to people he knew. In fact, by 200BC, when the Mayan culture was exiting the Preclassic period, sexual orgies involving several family groups were common and encouraged.

How do we know this? Fossils were discovered recently that involve 4-5 skeletons in complex sexual positions, such as the "tri-way 69", "dirty quadrangle with observer" or "sexy surprise six-pack". I have included a picture of one of the tamer configurations.

There are even theorists that believe the bizarre sexual activity of the Mayans was ultimately responsible for the culture's collapse. What a way to go, though.

Makes the supposed sexual liberation of our time seem kind of redundant, doesn't it?

So go ahead and sleep with your toyboy's friend. Chances are your toyboy will thank you for it in the long run.

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For crying out loud!

Q: What's the most tactful way to tell a baby to shut the f**k up?

A: Babies respond to soft rhythmic words, with generous helpings of rhyming, asonance and illiteration. Words such as "mama" "dada" or "diggy-diggy-goo-goo" are music to a baby's ears.

While "shut the f**k up" has strong asonance and a snappy rhythm, I think we can do better.

I would suggest, instead of going with a witty line such as "hey babio, how about you cry me a big bag of shut the f**k up?", you try to make it more conducive to a baby's sensibilities. Try "coo-coo-bippidy-boo-shut-the-f**ky-wucky-uppy-wuppy". Maybe cover and uncover your eyes in a peeky-boo gesture for added effect.

If the baby won't shush immediately with lines like that, note that there's a fairly painless elective surgery that one can get to remove a baby's voicebox. Remember, the baby is the one being unreasonable here, not you.

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It's in the game

Q: What should you do if the person you are having an affair with gets cross because you don't text him during his girlfriend weekends about your computer problems but then fails to respond to a text asking who a person on facebook is during a girlfriend weekend? Aren't they both as impersonal as the other? Especially since computer issues imply fixing which imply a home visit?

A: Your situation is so complex even I am not sure if I understand the question properly! Is this guy your boyfriend, or your IT support technician?

However, assuming the former, you've given me enough to go on to suggest your next move. You're obviously in a game-playing relationship, so play some games, girl! Mess with him a little! Get with the program!

Here are some fun suggestions:

• Invite him over for coffee and then drink a coffee in front of him and ask him to leave.
• Let yourself into his house and slightly move every object on his desk.
• Have sex with his mail-man and never tell him about it.
• Tell him he got you pregnant, then hold up a deformed, blood-stained coat hanger and sob uncontrollably.

I've got more, but I'm saving them for my ex-girlfriend Veronica.

Yes, Veronica, you've got it coming.

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This funeral blows

Q: Recently I was at a funeral and I saw my mate's brother walk up to the funeral director and exclaim, "Hey rev, if this doesn't give you the heebee-jeebies what would, ay?"

I found this very funny and had to pinch myself to keep from giggling uproariously, which would have been inappropriate at such a sobre occasion.

But it got me thinking; does it have to be this way? Is there a respectful way to have a funeral service that's more enjoyable than the average mourn-fest?

A: Firstly, condolences on the passing of your friend.

Different cultures have their own approach to funerals, many of which are much more lighthearted than the traditional western ceremony.

My personal favourite is held by elders of the Kuki tribe in Manipur, India. The sombre but undeniably irreverend ceremony involves gathering in a large tent, feasting on various curries, beans and spoiled fruits, then attempting to produce a deep, resonating, unified flatulence in honour of the deceased.

If enough elders are present, they can often sustain the cluster-fart for 15-20 minutes, which is an aural treat, let me tell you. The idea is to keep from passing out from the smell, laughing from the humour, vomitting, or soiling one's pants while the fart is ongoing.

The longer the fart goes for, the better chance the deceased has of passing on to the next world. The sound is also considered to be soothing to help the soul remain at rest for eternity.

But yes, you are correct, there is no reason a funeral can't be a little more entertaining. If you feel strongly about it, write it into your will and your relatives will be forced to obey your last wishes!

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Cruelty to animals, please

Q: Does inflicting cruelty on unwitting animals represent who you are?

A: Yes, reader, it most certainly does. However, the connotation is purely a cultural one, ranging from utter abhorrence to unyeilding respect.

For instance, certain suburban areas in the Republic of Azkhikistan regard a peaceful attitude toward animals as a sign of weakness, and fully expect citizens to immediately inflict the harshest form of violence against any animal within arm's reach. As a result, animals in Azkhikistan are known to be skittish and subserviant, with high stress levels and a much lower life expectancy than most other countries.

I visited once, and without properly researching local customs, I unwittingly failed to slap down a low-flying pigeon which passed close by my head. I was suddenly accosted by a group of heavy-set women who had been celebrating at a nearby pub. I had to retreat to my car until they lost interest in pursuing me and went back to their baby shower.

It was only later that I found out why I had been targetted.

However, in Western society, acts such as slapping down pigeons or tying cats to fishing wire and attaching them to moving ceiling fans are often looked down upon.

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Brewski blooper

Q: I'm in Japan right now and, a friend told me over a quiet Fosters that it's rude to drink beer from a bottle or can here. He said the only acceptable way is to use a small wooden thimble and shoot the beer while holding your nose, or else you're risking Samarai-sword-impalement.

I've been drinking this way for weeks, but I haven't seen a single local do it yet. Was my friend messing with me?

A: Japan is one of the few countries I haven't yet visited to impose my considerable wealth of knowledge. Perhaps I'll plan a tour in later 2013 when my schedule clears.

However, there's one thing I know that applies to all of humankind. It doesn't matter how you drink your beer, whether it's by thimble, tumbler, pint glass, schooner or old felt wizard hat! Beer brings together anyone who tastes it, with it's bright amber glow and it's cold crisp flavour.

Oh yes, it brings people together in the hospital, because it's clearly is linked to cancer.

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Swine violence

Q: With the recent swine flu epidemic, I have had an urge to punch people in the throat everytime they sneeze anywhere near me. Is my urge justified?

A: Yes, it is most certainly justified, albeit mildly psychotic.

If you decide to act on this impulse, may I suggest doing so when law enforcement professionals are nowhere in sight.

Also, you might want to consider punching stray sneezers in the nose instead, as this would have a good chance of blocking their nasal cavity, thus disabling their ability to spread the infection for 24 hours or more.

I wish you luck on your endeavours.

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Nice ****** question!

Q: Why is it wrong say ****, **** or ***** in front of women and children?

A: I don't know where you grew up, but, in most developed western countries, it is actually considered fine to say **** and **** in front of women. Children are another matter. They are fine with *** or ****, but say **** and you'll psychologically damage the little **** forever.

However, don't say ***** in front of anyone or they will be likely to clock you.

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Fug wants a date

Q: My friend recently started going on dating websites. They always ask for a profile picture saying it increases your chances. So he says anyway, I wouldn't know. He keeps asking if it's wrong to use a picture of someone else. Can you give him some advice so I can get him to stop nagging me??

A: For simplicity's sake, let's give your friend a nickname, ok? Let's call him "you".

Thanks for enclosing the photo of yourself, as this has greatly coloured my answer on this one.

You are a horrifically unattractive man, and I cannot in good conscience advise you to spread photographs of yourself anywhere for public consumption. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that if you do show that photo to anyone else, I would feel obliged to call the police.

So yes, please, use a photo of your favourite porn star, because no one wants to see a face that closely resembles a dropped breakfast.

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Racism concerns

Q: A litte while ago I had a dream where two babies, one whie and one black, were stuck in a burning bus. I only had time to save one so I picked the white one.

Ever since then I've been trying to make up for my obvious racism by 'high-fiving' every black baby I see on the street. Is this wrong? Am I a racist?

A: I'm sorry to say that you are quite clearly a racist.

The good news is that admitting the problem is the first step. You should now seek out a therapist who speciallises in racism to perform what they call a "racism exorcism", or "racexorcism" for short.

This is a radical new technique that involves strapping you into a bed and monitoring your brain waves. The therapist will apply mild torture techniques - such as chinese burns, bamboo wedges or whipping - when he/she detects that you're having a racist thought until they are eradicated altogether.

Sounds extreme? Hey, you're the big racist.

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Dating tips

Q: How long should you wait to call a girl after a date?

A: 6 days.

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Smelly siblings

Q: Is sniffing your sisters underpants wrong?

A: It completely depends on the sister and her personal hygeine levels.

If you have a particularly odourous sister, I'd stay completely away from them, as they are likely to smell like faeces and vagina.

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