On a roll...

Q: Why is it that no-one understands my need of having the toilet paper over the top rather than underneath? How do you like it Harv?


A: No one understands it, because they don't have a doctorate in psychology, and hence cannot understand that you have obsessive compulsive disorder. You are also probably a complete hoarder, am I right?

"Turd Burglar" magazine hosts an annual poll on exactly this subject. Up until 2002, the results were pretty much 50-50. In 2003, they added a third response, which was "I care even less about this than the possibility Lindsay Lohan will be molested and eaten by a gang of horny bears with lion claws and shark teeth in her LA home".

Since then, the latter response has received 97.2% support.

As for my own preference? Well, I invented an automatic dispenser which deploys toilet paper directly onto my asshole whenever it detects faecal matter. It also charges my iPod.

And I roll it in the middle. But I'm not going to tell you how I do it.