Note-worthy Question!

Q: Hello Harv, I am in Pilippines now. My probins Leyte.

I ask why I can never find 200 piso notes here in my country? Why make note but not use? I like green color.

Tnx po, love AskHarv website!

A: Interesting question, dear reader! I have been unable to get accurate information on exactly how many 200 peso notes there are currently in circulation, which means it probably does not exist, but I can answer why the note was created and then subsequently not included in further print-runs.

Once officials released the commemorative note in 2002, it was quickly discovered that it drastically reduced the amount of bribe revenue coming in to police and government officials, as it provided an alternative denomination to the previously well-established and convenient bribe-standard, the p500 note.

This caused many corrupt officials to be unable to feed their families and led to threats of industrial action and work-stoppages.

Interestingly, the government is now considering phasing out the p500 and replacing it with a p720 banknote to boost bribe revenue again.

There is already a design proposed for the new note:

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Egg-cellent question!

Q: Why do Christians give chocolate eggs during Easter?

A: Easter is a celebration of the death & resurrection of Jesus Christ. Hence, the giving of an egg is a highly symbolic during this time, as eggs represent the testicles required to produce new life. In simpler times, eggs were given, yes, but basically anything round would do. Sometimes people would give passionfruits, golf balls, or even scotch eggs (one of my favourites).

In medieval times, often men would even go so far as to give their actual testicles to each other. This was before it was understood that switching testicles would actually make a man completely infertile.

You've probably heard the term "a shot to the pills", which refers to a swift kick to the testicles? Well, did you know that the Catholic church actually considered making pills the symbolic gift of Easter before coming up with the more palatable idea of the chocolate egg?

For a couple of years there, people were exchanging bottles of Prosac, Xanax, and even Ecstacy -- until it was realised that Easter celebration had become a bunch of zonked out losers sitting around watching the curtains move slightly in the breeze and giggling.

So be grateful for the Easter celebration we have now. Because it could just as easily consist of cutting your own balls off, getting f***ed up on pills, and throwing golf balls at each other.

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The Butterfly Suspect

Q: How the hell can a butterfly flapping it's wings start a hurricane???!

A: Even though I always liked the theory of the butterfly effect as it pertains to chaos theory and theoretical time travel, the reality of it appeared to be much less enthralling.

I was fortunate enough to spend several years in Brazil, and spent most of my time with a tribe of sweaty, caniballistic descendants of the Tupinambá tribe, conducting experiments to investigate Lorenz's famous theory. We captured several million butterflies over the course of several years and couldn't even get one to so much as move a blade of grass, or scare an old lady on her death-bed, let alone disturb weather patterns in a distant country. It's actually amazing how lame and powerless butterflies are!

Truth be told, all we did was prove that the odds of a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil and causing a Tornado in Texas are several quadrillions to one.

Time went by, but I never quite forgot about the butterfly effect. One morning earlier this year I awoke in a cold sweat from a dream which depicted giant butterflies attacking tribal villagers with chainsaws and I realised I had to resolve the issue.

I tracked down Lorenz, and, completely unannounced, visited him in his small, but well-guarded, Swiss chalet. When he opened the door, I asked almost exactly the question you dropped into my inbox, dear reader, with a couple of extra expletives added in for dramatic effect.

Lorenz studied me for a long time, scratching his stupid spotted nose with one hand and patting his shiny bald forehead with the other. Then he said, "fine", dragged me inside by my lapels, grabbed a butterfly from his in-house enclosure and took me to his time-travel room.

We went back to the dawn of time. Lorenz exited the time machine, and before I could even start to think about the wonderous prehistoric world before me, he let the butterfly go, stepped back inside and took us both back to 2009.

Well you could knock me over with a feather (that does not relate to the theory!). The recalcitrant twatt had caused the current global economic cirsis. Yes, that's right, before we got into that confounded time machine, everyone was happy and rich, and humanity had finally found a perfect harmony with nature.

And everyone was getting laid.

Thanks very much, Lorenz! Must be a real joy to be right!

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Birds, bees and burials

Q: Why do they refer to life's lessons as the "Birds and the Bees" ?

A: In primitive times, religious beliefs dictated that, to receive sexual gratification, one must also pay homage to nature. Insects represented the masculine and birds the feminine sides of sexual relations.

This led to various ritualistic habits. The most common was to cover the woman's body in honey, and make love in a pile of feathers, which would eventually coat the woman, transforming her into a human bird.

The man would, in turn, represent the insect world by stinging her repeatedly like an angry bee.

Eventually, it was discovered that many women, in a heightened state of extacsy, actually believed they had tranformed into birds and tried to fly out their bedroom window. In addition, men became convinced they were bees and began eating flowers and pollen, which was often poisonous.

These odd ecstatic behaviours led to many unexplained deaths until the church investigated and backed off their suggestions of naturallistic homage.

However, the term remained, and is still used today by parents who want to teach their children about sex, but are too scared to use terms such as p****, c****, or a*** lubricant.

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Friendly Fling

Q: Is it ok to have sex with your toyboy's best friend if toyboy has decided he only wants you for a fling?

A: Not only is it ok, but in some cultures it would be expected.

For instance, in the Mayan culture in 2000 BC, assumed every woman would have both a husband and several sex slaves. The husband would prefer that his friends were used as sex slaves, because he could keep an eye on them and spread the love of his good wife to people he knew. In fact, by 200BC, when the Mayan culture was exiting the Preclassic period, sexual orgies involving several family groups were common and encouraged.

How do we know this? Fossils were discovered recently that involve 4-5 skeletons in complex sexual positions, such as the "tri-way 69", "dirty quadrangle with observer" or "sexy surprise six-pack". I have included a picture of one of the tamer configurations.

There are even theorists that believe the bizarre sexual activity of the Mayans was ultimately responsible for the culture's collapse. What a way to go, though.

Makes the supposed sexual liberation of our time seem kind of redundant, doesn't it?

So go ahead and sleep with your toyboy's friend. Chances are your toyboy will thank you for it in the long run.

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Croquet Q&A

Q: Is croquet the same as pall mall or are their origins tied together ? I'se got ta know.

A: If you are aware of the game of Pall Mall, or Paille-maille, as it is more accurately known, then I suspect you don't need me to inform you about its roots, or its relationship to modern croquet. However, for the beneficial of less learned readers, I will humour you nevertheless :)

The names Pall Mall and Paille-maille are both derived from the French "pôle mal" which means "bad pole". This was an expression of the frustration, humiliation and emotional degradation associated with using a mallet to get a ball to go through a small hoop dozens of metres away.

In fact, it is little known that Paille-maille was originally designed by the Mongols as a torture device to be used during their empirical rule in the 13th and 14th centuries. The Mongols would force their prisoners of war to play Paille-maille for hours on end, while the guards would stand by and make inane and unhelpful comments, such as "it's a baby ball, come on, it's a baby ball, be gentle, don't hurt the baby ball..." until eventually the prisoner would give up in frustration and submit himself voluntarily to a merciful death, such as castration or having his spine ripped out.

The Mongols eventually moved in to China and brought their torture techniques with them. The Chinese experimented with Paille-maille until eventually it was ruled far too cruel, and was replaced with the Chinese Water torture, bamboo finger nails and various others that are well-known today.

Eventually the torture technique spread throughout the world and various more sadistic societies, such as the French, took it up as a sport for the sheer enjoyment of watching each other suffer. Unexpectedly its popularity soared, and Pall Mall led to Ground Billiards, Croquet, and, eventually modern Golf.

Whenever I feel the urge to play any of these sports, I simply drive a couple of bamboo shafts under my nails and save myself a valuable afternoon.

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Barfnie

Q: I was drinking booze with my stupid friend the other day when he slightly vomited on the crotch of his pants, giggled and then said, "Barfnie.." before passing out. I then rolled him into the gutter and waited for the garbagemen to collect the trash.

What does "Barfnie" mean? It's puzzled me ever since..

A: I very rarely have to research my answers before I post (in fact I actively avoid research, as it can only serve to corrupt the purity of knowledge I have amassed first-hand over the years), but I must admit this one befuddled me a little.

Of course, I needn't have worried, as it turns out "barfnie" is not the only word in the English language that I am unaware of. It's simply not a word at all, in any language, anywhere in the world.

Google turns up only 45 results, which consist mainly of a combination of the English slang "barf", which means to vomit, and the German "nie" which simply means not. Perhaps your friend lapsed into German language before passing out.

It's not as silly as it sounds. There are many instances in history of people spontaniously speaking a language they have never learned in cases of extreme brain trauma or an intake of copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs. In Medieval times, this was often interpreted as speaking in tongues, which was an indication of demonic possession.

I'd suggest lots of asprin, a quick bloodletting, and an exorcism in the morning.

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Entymological ASS-istance!

Q: Where does the word 'ass' come from? I know it means a donkey but how does a donkey and someone's rear-end relate?

And why do english people say 'arse'?

A: As a big fan of etymology, diction, parlance and nomenclature, I was very excited to receive your question, dear reader. I have many times pondered and researched this very question!

The word "ass" was originally an acronym for "Anally Sensitive Spasmoid", which was a popular insult during the early 1700s. For the sake of brevity, this isult eventually transmorphosed into the abbreviation "ass".

Interestingly, there was a rare disease going around that was spread by donkey meat (considered a delicacy at the time, and used in many stews, steaks & muffins), not unlike our recent outbreaks of mad cow, bird flu or, more recently, swine flu. An afflicted donkey's nervous system would be degraded over time, to the point where the poor creature would begin to twitch and fart uncontrollably, eventually resulting in total bowel failure, drooling, and excessive winking. The symptoms of the disease so closely matched the description "anally sensitive spasmoid" that the word donkey and ass became synonymous.

Once the disease died out and became little more than a agricultural historical footnote, the original anagram lost its meaning and became the word we know and love today.

English people say "arse" in order to sound superior. I suspect it doesn't matter how many countries decide to use the term "ass", England will always insist on their alternative spelling.

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A bit of a downer

Q: How can you make a guy go down on you? Or better yet, if you've been down on him how do you ask why he hasn't on you? And prepare yourself for a brutal answer?

A: In caveman times, women would simply grab a male by the ears, position his head, and then slowly begin to twist. Eventually the man would yeild in the face of having his ears torn off.

Granted, this typically occurred after the male had slammed the female over the head with a makeshift hammer (usually a coconut attached to the end of a stick) and raped her repeatedly.

Things were tough in caveman times, but remarkably simple.

The modern equivalent of this would be to hold back from cooking your man a meal, or washing his clothes, until he has given you the oral sex you require. Soon his washing basket will begin to overflow and his stomach will begin to rumble, and he will instigate radical behaviour modification in an effort to change the outcomes.

Once he stumbles across the answer - oral sex = food & washing done - he will be going down on you at every opportunity.

Trust me, talk is overated.

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Harv vs Reader

Q: Most other 'advice' websites tend to enlist the help of individual specialists, depending on the topic being discussed - is it arrogance or do you trully believe you have the best possible answers to all the questions being asked here?

A: We have a cynic!

To answer your question, not only do I truly believe I have the best answers to every possible question that could be thrown at me, I also believe I have a calling to help people in the challenges they face in life.

Previously, I thought this calling was to be a self-appointed health and safety expert at my local supermarket, where I would seek out spoiled cheese, old vegetables and other spoiled produce, and shout frantically at customers who looked like they were considering buying one. But that calling turned out to involve jail time, so I started AskHarv instead.

Or to quote my grandfather, who was possibly the only man ever to live who was smarter than myself "I've never been wrong in my life. Well, once I thought I was, but I was wrong."

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What's in an insult?

Q: Why can African Americans call each other 'n*****', while a white man would get his eyes cut out?


If I call my friend (who happens to be white like myself) - '****', I really have no objection to a black man calling him the same.

A: I'm sure there are names that someone could call you that would cause offense. What about "urine-cheeks", or "flubber-flub-flub"? What if I called you "baby-pus", or "no-pants-man"? What if you had haemorroids and I kept going "Hey, 'roids, how are those 'roids going, 'roid-man?"

The specific word you asked about has a history going back to before the Big Bang, when God used to use it as a derogatory name for black holes.

I would suggest sticking to more conventional insults, such as "Pup-rape", "Pocky-man", or "F**k-Berry".

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Getting your ducks in a row

Q: How do ducks know where they're going?

A: This is a better question than it sounds.

Famous Lithuanian philosopher Socrates once posed this same question to the best mathematicians of his time. They came back with various answers, to which Socrates replied: "Prove it, County".

The mathematicians sniffed at his challenge, but, interestingly, none were able to mathematically or logically prove their theorem. In fact, there has never been any compelling evidence that ducks can navigate at all.

I could tell you what I think, but it would take mathematical genius beyond any living person's knowledge to understand my proof.

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Pythagorus blearom

Q: Why is Pythagoras considered such a genius for his Triangle Theorem when I nailed it in grade 6 ?

A: Most people don't realize the history of this, but I'm glad you asked as it's a very interesting question.

The truth is that triangle theory was invented by a young kid named Bob while toasting a pop tart.

Pythagorus used to hang around the local pre-school stealing lunch boxes from kids when he overheard the theorum. He immediately discouraged the kid, took his lunch, went home and typed it up on his Commodore 64.

Hence the immaturity of the theorum and the name we have all come to know.

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The fate of human tails

Q: Why don't humans have tails anymore?

A: The facts are pretty clear on this one. Even back in the Permian period, when we had tails, it was only half the population that had them.

Over time, as we no longer needed our tails to balance on 2 legs, the tail grew smaller and smaller and gradually moved forward on the body.

The end result, for my lucky male readers, is the small organ between your legs called a penis.

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Di-NO-saurus

Q: Do you believe the dinasaurs were actually eaten as per new research ?

A: I believe whatever the experts tell us. In fact, I believe anything any authority figure tells me, and so should you.

But the truth is that dinosaurs are still alive now and I can prove it. But if I did have to prove it, your head would be bitten off by the dinosaur I showed you.

So in summary: no.

PS: I could eat a brontosaurus for breakfast.

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