Hamster humour

Q: Everytime I see a hamster I laugh uncontrollably. This isn't normal is it?

A: Yes, this is perfectly normal.

It's a scientific fact that hamsters emit a rare pheromone called Oxydihorrian that is chemically similar to Nitrus-Oxide, or laughing gas.

In the late 1800's dentists actually used hamsters to help people deal with the pain of oral surgery because of these rare properties, but this was eventually phased out due to hygeine concerns.

You may also find yourself giggling around whales should you ever encounter one close up, as they emit the same pheromone. It's terribly ineffective under water, however.

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Sunglassed stare-downs

Q: Sometimes when I'm sitting in the park I like stare-down small children. Someone told me this is wrong. My questions is - is it possible to stare someone down while using sunglasses?

A: I won't comment on the morality of staring down small children except to say they probably deserve it.

It is actually far more effective to stare down children using sunglasses, as they cannot see you blinking, and in their mind's eye they can imagine your horrifically dilated, bulging eyeballs piercing into their soul.

It's important to note that adults have a weaker imagination, so sunglasses become a disadvantage in that case.

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What in a name?

Q: Is my name stupid? Ever since I was a little boy people have teased me about it - snot-ass, ice-ass, fluff-snow-ass, etc. Is it really that bad?

A: There is nothing whatsoever wrong with your name. I cannot devulge it here on the website, however, as it has to remain anonymous. But don't be insecure about it, and ignore the naysayers, because your name is just... er... your name is...

Haha! I can't hold it in any longer! Your name is Winterbottom! It's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard next to an elderly couple who used to live near my house called the Cockburns!

Aaahahaha! You've made my day, honestly, thanks for writing in!

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Dutch rudder fan seeks next level... again

Q: It seems you already answered my question as to what a dutch rudder is but what is a dutch anchor ?

A: Haha, you've misinterpreted the phrase! A Dutch Anchor is literally an anchor used in the 2nd World War by the dutch.

Many believe it is a Dutch Rudder (see previous post) performed between a midget and a very tall man, but this is an interpretation that has not permeated pop culture enough to be considered a definition.

Yet.

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Wacky question!

Q: What do you think of my poem:

Someone said we're wack! Why would they say that?
I don't think we're wack. Who said we're wack?
I can't believe that. They must be smoking crack,
To say that we're wack. Say that we're wack?
You'll probably get smacked. If you say we're wack.
Did you say we're wack?

A: It sounds to me like you are way too concerned with being labelled "wack". I'm not familiar with the term, but I'm sure you're not wack in the slightest, and should probably worry less about your own particular wackness and more about your extreme, crippling insecurity.

I've tagged this under "mystery poet", but I think it's quite obvious that this is not the same brilliant author of the "flat jack" poem!

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Wind in the willies

Q: I keep getting fartholes in my underpants. I've tried buying reinforced ones and it doesnt help, I just fart right through em all eventually. I'm obviously quite flatulent. Any advice on how I might rid myself of this terrible affliction?

A: Studies show that milk causes you to fart 30 times more than non-milk-drinkers. Are you drinking a lot of milk?

Assuming you cannot reduce the amount of times you fart, we're down to techniques to contain the farts, or at least reduce their potency.

This is much easier than you might think. Ask yourself, what is the opposite of a fart? It's not cotton or latex, is it?

No, the opposite of fart is a flower. More specifically, the best smelling flower; a rose. Simply stuff your pants with rose petals and your farts will be completely nullified.

It sounds like you're going to need a lot of roses.

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A hit for the team

Q: Over the past couple of years there has been numerous accounts of rugby league footballers engaging in "group sex". Most recently, 3 Brisbane Broncos players had sex with a 22 year old female in a toilet cubicle of a night club and as reported 3 weeks ago, 11 Cronulla Sharks players had sex with a 19 year old waitress whilst touring New Zealand.

Who really is the victim ? If a girl gives consent at the time and the other parties arent concerned with "banging heads" ( pardon the pun ) then what is all the fuss about ? Is there a case to answer for the high profile footballers? have you ever engaged in group sex ?

IMO, the young lady in NZ should have kept quiet whilst having sex , everyone knows that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other Sharks.

A: This is a storm in a teacup which has been blown out of all proprtion. There is no victim, and there is no winner.

The truth is that these footballers are part of a world-wide humanitarian group called the "Altruistic Adonises". The goal of this group is to further the diversification of the human race by ensuring that even physically disadvantaged or unfit men are able to find attractive women with which to procreate.

To achieve this, they target male groups that are much better looking than the rest of us and encourage several measures to keep them from "hogging" all the women.

One of those measures is to share females in order to free up others to copulate with less attractive men. It is not "group sex" in the typical definition, but a way to conserve the female resources of our society.

Several football clubs list the "Altruistic Adonises" as a requirement of team membership.

I, for one, salute them for their continuing effort to give us nerds time on the playing field!

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Nice ****** question!

Q: Why is it wrong say ****, **** or ***** in front of women and children?

A: I don't know where you grew up, but, in most developed western countries, it is actually considered fine to say **** and **** in front of women. Children are another matter. They are fine with *** or ****, but say **** and you'll psychologically damage the little **** forever.

However, don't say ***** in front of anyone or they will be likely to clock you.

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Canine conundrum

Q: Why can't dogs look up ?

A: This is a common factoid which is often mis-stated or incomplete.

Generally, it's assumed that this means dogs cannot point their heads upwards, which is not true. Dogs have a full range of movement in their necks and can point their noses in all directions.

The myth comes about due to an oddity found in the canine species whereby their eyes are hard-wired to point forwards no matter what position their heads are in.

So not only can't dog's look up, they can't look left right or down either.

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Wild labelling

Q: I noticed you have a goat in your banner. Why do they call baby goats 'kids' and what's the name for a baby elephant ?

A: They call baby goats kids because of their genetic similarity to young humans. Obviously the similarity is on a purely genetic level. Most children lack the horns and fleece to truly resemble a goat, but if you've ever shaved a goat and made it walk around on its hind legs, you'd start to see that it can look quite a lot like a toddler.

I'd suggest you call a baby elephant "sir" because, even as infants, they have 20 times the strength of the average man. And the tusks. Watch out for the tusks.

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