Birds, bees and burials

Q: Why do they refer to life's lessons as the "Birds and the Bees" ?

A: In primitive times, religious beliefs dictated that, to receive sexual gratification, one must also pay homage to nature. Insects represented the masculine and birds the feminine sides of sexual relations.

This led to various ritualistic habits. The most common was to cover the woman's body in honey, and make love in a pile of feathers, which would eventually coat the woman, transforming her into a human bird.

The man would, in turn, represent the insect world by stinging her repeatedly like an angry bee.

Eventually, it was discovered that many women, in a heightened state of extacsy, actually believed they had tranformed into birds and tried to fly out their bedroom window. In addition, men became convinced they were bees and began eating flowers and pollen, which was often poisonous.

These odd ecstatic behaviours led to many unexplained deaths until the church investigated and backed off their suggestions of naturallistic homage.

However, the term remained, and is still used today by parents who want to teach their children about sex, but are too scared to use terms such as p****, c****, or a*** lubricant.

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Toxic Longevity

Q: If poison expires is it still poisonous? I have an old bottle of cyanide lying around and was contemplating suicide, but am not sure if it'll work.

A: Some people will tell you it depends on the poison, but this simply isn't the case. The expiry date printed on poison is the date that the poison loses it's fatal toxicity and becomes a harmless and often tasty beverage.

In fact, expired poisons are often recycled to become ingredients in popular soft drinks and fruit juice blends. Some of the more popular juices on the market are blended with expired arsenic, sarin and anthrax, should they not be used for callous murder or genecide before their expiry date arrives.

So you better get yourself a new vial of cyanide, dear reader, because the one you have most likely tastes just like a delicious gulp of Dr Pepper, with twice the health benefits.

PS: Please don't poison anyone but yourself with this advice.

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Ass about?

Q: I understand why men like breasts; breasts are AWESOME!

But why do men like asses? I mean, everyone has an ass, right?

A: Men's attraction to breasts is a logical anthropoligical phenomenon, as breasts are one of the key distinguishing factors between men and women.

However, what about so-called ass men? Despite the differences between men's behinds and women's, the buttocks of each sex are similar enough to assume that an ass man would be equally attracted to male and female rear-ends.

Anthropologists used to expound that men like women's buttocks because they remind them of breasts. This explanation always bothered me, as buttocks do not have nipples, and of course, breasts don't have an anus smack bang in the middle of them.

However, recent tomfoolery in the northern Arctic has shed light on a new possibility. A group of scientists, supposedly studying the Aurora Borealis, decided it would be amusing to constantly urinate in exactly the same spot in the ice. This went on for several years, until they managed to drill a hole so deep that they accidentally uncovered ancient carvings buried in the ice core.

These carvings, although primitive, clearly showed pregnant women carrying babies in their buttocks and giving birth through their anuses. This indicates that the ancient method of child birth may have been to effectively poop the baby out instead of the conventional vaginal birth we know and accept today.

So perhaps man's primitive brain still recalls a time when a woman's engorged buttocks was a sign of fertility, and hence craves booty as a result. It is too early to tell, but the science is certainly exciting!

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Friendly Fling

Q: Is it ok to have sex with your toyboy's best friend if toyboy has decided he only wants you for a fling?

A: Not only is it ok, but in some cultures it would be expected.

For instance, in the Mayan culture in 2000 BC, assumed every woman would have both a husband and several sex slaves. The husband would prefer that his friends were used as sex slaves, because he could keep an eye on them and spread the love of his good wife to people he knew. In fact, by 200BC, when the Mayan culture was exiting the Preclassic period, sexual orgies involving several family groups were common and encouraged.

How do we know this? Fossils were discovered recently that involve 4-5 skeletons in complex sexual positions, such as the "tri-way 69", "dirty quadrangle with observer" or "sexy surprise six-pack". I have included a picture of one of the tamer configurations.

There are even theorists that believe the bizarre sexual activity of the Mayans was ultimately responsible for the culture's collapse. What a way to go, though.

Makes the supposed sexual liberation of our time seem kind of redundant, doesn't it?

So go ahead and sleep with your toyboy's friend. Chances are your toyboy will thank you for it in the long run.

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A trillogy of triumph!

Q: What do you think of my latest poem:

There will come a day,

A day not far away,
A day when they,
When they want to play,
To play in a way,
A way that pays,
That pays in clay,
In clay say nay,
Say nay to pray.

Eat pie together. Moist.

A: AskHarv's resident poet has done it again!

Wow, I'm almost speechless. The pin-point rythm & timbre, the biting social satire, the ryhminess, the sheer thematic desolation mixed with a surrealist sensibility.

Everything about this poem works.

I look forward to a day when you can unmask yourself, as you, my friend, are a wonderful gift bestowed upon humankind. You should be showered with wealth for your endeavours to unravel the meaning of our world and empart your insights to the rest of us.

Of course, a person with your wisdom, insight and heart-breaking sensitivity wouldn't be interested in wealth, and, would naturally shy away from the corruption of the limelight.

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You can lead a horse to tequila...

Q: I live in the Philippines and recently my boyfriend took me on a tour of the lovely Spanish village of Intramuros, near Manila.

Anyway, we were transported around on a horse-drawn carriage and I noticed all the horses wear weird eye-patches, like double-blind pirates.

The horses can't ALL be blind, can they, so what is the explanation?

A: In most other countries, draft horses wear what are known as blinkers, or blinders, as a way to avoid getting distracted and rearing up, potentially injuring others and embarrassing themselves.
 
However, in the Philippines, the draft horses are all female, and (rather inhumanely) kept high on cheap anti-anxiety medications, so the reason for the blinkers is, if you'll excuse the pun, harder to see.
 
It turns out that the above-mentioned medication is taken orally, so is watered down with strong tequila - as it is cheaper, and more easily obtained, than water in the Philippines.
 

This exposes the draft horses to a scientifically well-understood phenomenon that occurs when tequila enters the blood of a Filipina.

 

Before the blinkers were administered in 1932, Intramuros draft horses would often be found dancing semi-naked on tables, performing "body shots" and other sexually-themed drinking games on each other, and, later in the day, passed out in a corner in a pool of vomit.
 
These promiscuous horses weren't particularly tourist-friendly, so the blinkers were added to avoid the horses getting attracted to each other and lezzing off.
 
Interestingly, there was a small group of core customers who actually petitioned to have the behaviour brought back in 1967. They were unsuccessful.

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Croquet Q&A

Q: Is croquet the same as pall mall or are their origins tied together ? I'se got ta know.

A: If you are aware of the game of Pall Mall, or Paille-maille, as it is more accurately known, then I suspect you don't need me to inform you about its roots, or its relationship to modern croquet. However, for the beneficial of less learned readers, I will humour you nevertheless :)

The names Pall Mall and Paille-maille are both derived from the French "pôle mal" which means "bad pole". This was an expression of the frustration, humiliation and emotional degradation associated with using a mallet to get a ball to go through a small hoop dozens of metres away.

In fact, it is little known that Paille-maille was originally designed by the Mongols as a torture device to be used during their empirical rule in the 13th and 14th centuries. The Mongols would force their prisoners of war to play Paille-maille for hours on end, while the guards would stand by and make inane and unhelpful comments, such as "it's a baby ball, come on, it's a baby ball, be gentle, don't hurt the baby ball..." until eventually the prisoner would give up in frustration and submit himself voluntarily to a merciful death, such as castration or having his spine ripped out.

The Mongols eventually moved in to China and brought their torture techniques with them. The Chinese experimented with Paille-maille until eventually it was ruled far too cruel, and was replaced with the Chinese Water torture, bamboo finger nails and various others that are well-known today.

Eventually the torture technique spread throughout the world and various more sadistic societies, such as the French, took it up as a sport for the sheer enjoyment of watching each other suffer. Unexpectedly its popularity soared, and Pall Mall led to Ground Billiards, Croquet, and, eventually modern Golf.

Whenever I feel the urge to play any of these sports, I simply drive a couple of bamboo shafts under my nails and save myself a valuable afternoon.

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Panthera palate preferences

Q: My friend wants to make a bet with me that Tiger's like pepper but utterly despise cinnamon. I know it's going to turn out to be untrue and want to take his stupid bet, but how can we prove it? And do you think it's true?

A: To my knowledge, and vague disappointment, there has not yet been a comprehensive scientific study on the palate preferences of the mighty big cats, incluiding the Tigris Panthera. Most research money these days goes to bleeding-heart animal-causes like giant pandas or baby seals.

I once nursed a litter of baby tigers in Africa, and found that they were quite happy to eat almost anything. Bread, milk, leftover steak, one even took a great big bite out of my love handle, much to everyone's amusement.

I'm not sure exactly what my love handle would taste like, but, if I had to guess, I'd say it would be more like cinnamon than pepper, which completely invalidates your friend's statement. If I were you, I'd take the bet, and bet big.

As for proving it, that's easy. Just put some cinnamon on your friend's hand and some pepper on yours and then together thrust your hands into the tigers enclosure at your local zoo.

Whichever hand the tigers bite off first will be the hand of the loser.

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