May 2009

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hamster humour

Q: Everytime I see a hamster I laugh uncontrollably. This isn't normal is it?

A: Yes, this is perfectly normal.

It's a scientific fact that hamsters emit a rare pheromone called Oxydihorrian that is chemically similar to Nitrus-Oxide, or laughing gas.

In the late 1800's dentists actually used hamsters to help people deal with the pain of oral surgery because of these rare properties, but this was eventually phased out due to hygeine concerns.

You may also find yourself giggling around whales should you ever encounter one close up, as they emit the same pheromone. It's terribly ineffective under water, however.

Sunglassed stare-downs

Q: Sometimes when I'm sitting in the park I like stare-down small children. Someone told me this is wrong. My questions is - is it possible to stare someone down while using sunglasses?

A: I won't comment on the morality of staring down small children except to say they probably deserve it.

It is actually far more effective to stare down children using sunglasses, as they cannot see you blinking, and in their mind's eye they can imagine your horrifically dilated, bulging eyeballs piercing into their soul.

It's important to note that adults have a weaker imagination, so sunglasses become a disadvantage in that case.

What in a name?

Q: Is my name stupid? Ever since I was a little boy people have teased me about it - snot-ass, ice-ass, fluff-snow-ass, etc. Is it really that bad?

A: There is nothing whatsoever wrong with your name. I cannot devulge it here on the website, however, as it has to remain anonymous. But don't be insecure about it, and ignore the naysayers, because your name is just... er... your name is...

Haha! I can't hold it in any longer! Your name is Winterbottom! It's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard next to an elderly couple who used to live near my house called the Cockburns!

Aaahahaha! You've made my day, honestly, thanks for writing in!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dutch rudder fan seeks next level... again

Q: It seems you already answered my question as to what a dutch rudder is but what is a dutch anchor ?

A: Haha, you've misinterpreted the phrase! A Dutch Anchor is literally an anchor used in the 2nd World War by the dutch.

Many believe it is a Dutch Rudder (see previous post) performed between a midget and a very tall man, but this is an interpretation that has not permeated pop culture enough to be considered a definition.

Yet.

Wacky question!

Q: What do you think of my poem:

Someone said we're wack! Why would they say that?
I don't think we're wack. Who said we're wack?
I can't believe that. They must be smoking crack,
To say that we're wack. Say that we're wack?
You'll probably get smacked. If you say we're wack.
Did you say we're wack?

A: It sounds to me like you are way too concerned with being labelled "wack". I'm not familiar with the term, but I'm sure you're not wack in the slightest, and should probably worry less about your own particular wackness and more about your extreme, crippling insecurity.

I've tagged this under "mystery poet", but I think it's quite obvious that this is not the same brilliant author of the "flat jack" poem!

Wind in the willies

Q: I keep getting fartholes in my underpants. I've tried buying reinforced ones and it doesnt help, I just fart right through em all eventually. I'm obviously quite flatulent. Any advice on how I might rid myself of this terrible affliction?

A: Studies show that milk causes you to fart 30 times more than non-milk-drinkers. Are you drinking a lot of milk?

Assuming you cannot reduce the amount of times you fart, we're down to techniques to contain the farts, or at least reduce their potency.

This is much easier than you might think. Ask yourself, what is the opposite of a fart? It's not cotton or latex, is it?

No, the opposite of fart is a flower. More specifically, the best smelling flower; a rose. Simply stuff your pants with rose petals and your farts will be completely nullified.

It sounds like you're going to need a lot of roses.

A hit for the team

Q: Over the past couple of years there has been numerous accounts of rugby league footballers engaging in "group sex". Most recently, 3 Brisbane Broncos players had sex with a 22 year old female in a toilet cubicle of a night club and as reported 3 weeks ago, 11 Cronulla Sharks players had sex with a 19 year old waitress whilst touring New Zealand.

Who really is the victim ? If a girl gives consent at the time and the other parties arent concerned with "banging heads" ( pardon the pun ) then what is all the fuss about ? Is there a case to answer for the high profile footballers? have you ever engaged in group sex ?

IMO, the young lady in NZ should have kept quiet whilst having sex , everyone knows that thrashing around and screaming only attracts other Sharks.

A: This is a storm in a teacup which has been blown out of all proprtion. There is no victim, and there is no winner.

The truth is that these footballers are part of a world-wide humanitarian group called the "Altruistic Adonises". The goal of this group is to further the diversification of the human race by ensuring that even physically disadvantaged or unfit men are able to find attractive women with which to procreate.

To achieve this, they target male groups that are much better looking than the rest of us and encourage several measures to keep them from "hogging" all the women.

One of those measures is to share females in order to free up others to copulate with less attractive men. It is not "group sex" in the typical definition, but a way to conserve the female resources of our society.

Several football clubs list the "Altruistic Adonises" as a requirement of team membership.

I, for one, salute them for their continuing effort to give us nerds time on the playing field!

Nice ****** question!

Q: Why is it wrong say ****, **** or ***** in front of women and children?

A: I don't know where you grew up, but, in most developed western countries, it is actually considered fine to say **** and **** in front of women. Children are another matter. They are fine with *** or ****, but say **** and you'll psychologically damage the little **** forever.

However, don't say ***** in front of anyone or they will be likely to clock you.

Canine conundrum

Q: Why can't dogs look up ?

A: This is a common factoid which is often mis-stated or incomplete.

Generally, it's assumed that this means dogs cannot point their heads upwards, which is not true. Dogs have a full range of movement in their necks and can point their noses in all directions.

The myth comes about due to an oddity found in the canine species whereby their eyes are hard-wired to point forwards no matter what position their heads are in.

So not only can't dog's look up, they can't look left right or down either.

Wild labelling

Q: I noticed you have a goat in your banner. Why do they call baby goats 'kids' and what's the name for a baby elephant ?

A: They call baby goats kids because of their genetic similarity to young humans. Obviously the similarity is on a purely genetic level. Most children lack the horns and fleece to truly resemble a goat, but if you've ever shaved a goat and made it walk around on its hind legs, you'd start to see that it can look quite a lot like a toddler.

I'd suggest you call a baby elephant "sir" because, even as infants, they have 20 times the strength of the average man. And the tusks. Watch out for the tusks.

Monday, May 25, 2009

A poet, and he knows it

Q: What do you think of my poem?

'Who say dat, flat jack?
Who's filleting the day in jetpack?
Is it who's looking down from lens of twin eye holes?
Huffy Cough puff ball of metaphysical ties.'

A: This poem is excellent. It's full of emotion, humour and big words. I see it as almost a direct commentary on the state of the social world as we know it.

Seek publishers, I'm serious.

Fug wants a date

Q: My friend recently started going on dating websites. They always ask for a profile picture saying it increases your chances. So he says anyway, I wouldn't know. He keeps asking if it's wrong to use a picture of someone else. Can you give him some advice so I can get him to stop nagging me??

A: For simplicity's sake, let's give your friend a nickname, ok? Let's call him "you".

Thanks for enclosing the photo of yourself, as this has greatly coloured my answer on this one.

You are a horrifically unattractive man, and I cannot in good conscience advise you to spread photographs of yourself anywhere for public consumption. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that if you do show that photo to anyone else, I would feel obliged to call the police.

So yes, please, use a photo of your favourite porn star, because no one wants to see a face that closely resembles a dropped breakfast.

Racism concerns

Q: A litte while ago I had a dream where two babies, one whie and one black, were stuck in a burning bus. I only had time to save one so I picked the white one.

Ever since then I've been trying to make up for my obvious racism by 'high-fiving' every black baby I see on the street. Is this wrong? Am I a racist?

A: I'm sorry to say that you are quite clearly a racist.

The good news is that admitting the problem is the first step. You should now seek out a therapist who speciallises in racism to perform what they call a "racism exorcism", or "racexorcism" for short.

This is a radical new technique that involves strapping you into a bed and monitoring your brain waves. The therapist will apply mild torture techniques - such as chinese burns, bamboo wedges or whipping - when he/she detects that you're having a racist thought until they are eradicated altogether.

Sounds extreme? Hey, you're the big racist.

Midnight marches

Q: Sometimes I wake up in different places - like the library or standing under a street-light.

I've tried tying bells to my fingers and painting signs on my stomach to get people to wake me up but nothing seems to work. My fiance said she's going to leave me if I don't stop because I keep ruining the sheets.

Please, do you have any suggestions? I'm really at wit's end.

A: It's disappointing that the signs on your stomach don't work, as this would have been my first suggestion. It really speaks to humankind's inability to help each other, doesn't it? Do you wear a tshirt to bed? Perhaps it's obscuring the message you've scribed on your abdomen?

Luckily for you, writing on your stomach isn't the only way to beat somnambulism, you can also wear a frightening mask. This has the affect of scaring people who see you on your nightly journeys and their screams will, in turn, wake you up.

Beware though, I had a cousin who tried this technique. Although he found much success for several months, he moved to much scarier mask and was subsequently beaten to death by an elderly gentleman who apparently mistook him for the boogeyman.

The key is picking a mask that induces a scream, but avoids making people want to murder you.

Hair-razing problem!

Q: What is body hair for?

A: In ancient times, when humans had yet to master pumping water uphill, water slides were, in fact, dry. This made it very awkward for us to slide effectively down the waterless slide and we evolved to have body hair to enable this fun activity.

Now that water slides actually have water flowing down them, this is not an issue. Evolution has not yet caught up to remove the hair, but expect this to occur in the next 5 to 10 years.

Dating tips

Q: How long should you wait to call a girl after a date?

A: 6 days.

Mr. Mom

Q: I saw on Oprah that a man was pregnant. He had a beard and everything. How is this possible?

A: It's actually a little known fact that, in rare cases, homosexual men become pregnant by male-male sexual intercourse.

In the womb, all embryos begin life as a female, and many develop ovaries before the chomosomes kick in and force the gender change. Sometimes these ovaries remain functional in a man, producing eggs in the same way women do. Most men never realise this is the case, unless they also happen to engage in homosexual intercourse and the egg becomes fertilised.

Keep in mind, you need some sperm who are very strong swimmers for this to occur. It's also interesting to note that most developing embryos are killed by a man's stomach acids as we lack the womb to house the baby sufficiently.

However, recent research suggests that, with a very carefully selected diet, a man could eventually carry a child to term. It would, sadly, be grossly retarded.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Catch a falling star...

Q: What is a 'falling star'?

A: There are two meanings.

It can be a celebrity who is on the way out and resorts to ridiculous antics, such as upskirt photos or sex tapes, to try to keep themselves in the limelight. Think Lindsay Lohan.

The second is the visual phenomenom you sometimes see in the night sky that resembles a star literally falling to Earth. These are dead celebrities falling from their place in special people heaven and being burnt up in the atmosphere while the entire planet cheers. Think what we wish would happen to Lindsay Lohan.

Earth time

Q: What time is it on Earth ?

A: You can calculate the current time on Earth by taking GMT and subtracting 3 days, 16 hours and 42 minutes.

At the time of this post, it's just on 3:18. By the time you read it, it'll be time to get a new watch.

On strike

Q: I've often heard the expression 'Lightning never strikes twice.' This is confusing because my mate Tom has been struck 57 times.

(Also, we've got a pool going down at the bar - what kind of odds would you give for the 58th strike?)

A: If your friend has really been hit 57 times, he obviously possesses rare lighting-attracting properties. Perhaps he's made of metal? Is it possible he's a robot?

I'd give full odds he'll be hit again if he leaves the house.

Petabilism

Q: When I was 5 my dog, Rambles, ate our cat. He lost an eye but after always had a skip in his step. My questions is - are animals evil?

A: Rambles was most certainly evil, yes. He should be put down, as should anything else that eats a cat.

Two birds with one stone

Q: My wife and I really want twins. Is there someway to increase the chances?

A: Yes there most certainly is.

What worked for a neighbour of mine was the process of inserting dry ice inside the woman's vagina immediately following sex and then hanging her upside down from the ceiling. They would then play music from Nine Inch Nails at a very high volume.

I realize this may sound extreme - Nine Inch Nails is very hardcore music - but it essentially terrorises the sperm into heading in the right direction as fast as they can swim.

My neighbours are now the proud parents of no less than 8 sets of twins and 2 sets of triplets. They're going to shove tobasco sauce up there next time in the hope of quads.

Remember, as a rule of thumb, the more you get up her, the better your chance of a multiple birth.

However, I'm not sure I recommend this for you specifically, as you and your wife will make terrible parents.

Blog meaning

Q: What does BLOG stand for ?

A: There are actually several definitions floating around the web.

All of these are wrong.

BLOG stands for Binary Literation of Otiose Gas, which is essentially a digital version of the expression "he's just blowing hot gas". This is because in the early days of blogging, the blogs were useless personal sites with little or no redeeming value to the reader.

The current wave of blogs, like this one, are useful, informative and content-rich. Maybe time for a name-change?

Smelly siblings

Q: Is sniffing your sisters underpants wrong?

A: It completely depends on the sister and her personal hygeine levels.

If you have a particularly odourous sister, I'd stay completely away from them, as they are likely to smell like faeces and vagina.

Hitting the hump

Q: How do camels store water in their humps ? And why do some have 1 hump and others have 2 ?

A: Camels store water in their humps by absorbing the moisture from the air, in much the same way young girls menstruate. This is why they are mostly found in tropical climates, like Africa.

Camels with two humps are actually a by-product of female camels' ability to birth multiple camels in a litter. Occasionally a camel embryo will consume its sibling inside the womb, causing it to absorb it's hump.

This shouldn't be thought of as camel cannabilism, but just a natural process which occurs without malice aforethought.

When a blurb is not enough

Q: If you cant judge a book by its cover, how ARE you meant to judge it ?

A: They also provide a short blurb on the sleeve of most books that concisely describe its contents.

However, that's insufficient for many people, including yours trully.

Generally, when judging a book, I like to put together a large panel of experts, overseen by a politically-objective steering committee, guided by a ex-miliatary computer system with GPS and a calming synthesised female voice.

I had a friend suggest once my process was overkill, but I haven't bought a dud read yet.

No bones about it

Q: Why are there no bones in Ice Cream ?

A: Interestingly, ground wildebeast bones are actually a common ingredient in most ice creams, including Basket and Robbins and Wendy's.

There are no solid bones because the goal of ice cream is to delight children everywhere, not choke them to death.

Insivible beauty

Q: How come they say "All people are beautiful on the inside" ? On Prison Break everyone was f***kin' ugly.

A: I suspect, reader, you have already come to the conclusion that they - they being other ugly people and some misinformed scientists - say that to make ugly people feel better about themselves.

The truth is that being beautiful on the inside, even if it were scientifically possible, would be redundant except in the case of heavily mutilated murder victims. No one is going to see your inside, and if they do, you're probably dead.

I guess, if you're trying to pick up your x-ray or Endoscopy technician, it's also a plus in that specific case.

PS: I think you're misjudging Prison Break. I find Lincoln quite fetching in his self-assured masculinity.

Egg-straordinary relationship!

Q: My girlfriend came home smelling like eggs last night - I'm in two minds whether to confront her about it. What do you suggest?

A: This is a concern, and one that you would be foolish to overlook.

If your girlfriend is, indeed, having a relationship with an egg, that implies that she has come to find eggs more sexually attractive than you. This would be considered a low point in any relationship by even the top therapists.

I suggest you take it one step at a time. Subtly tempt her away from dairy by rubbing fresh steak on her face while she sleeps. She'll wake up craving red meat and will not understand why.

From there, it is an easy step to rub your own meat on her face while she sleeps until she craves it again like she did when you first got together.

PS: if the steak doesn't take immediately, try starting with fresh fish.

Identity crisis

Q: Who am I?

A: You are a mass-murdering necrophile named Marcel.

Isn't that liberating? Now you know who you are, you can get on with your day.

Quick calc

Q: I don’t have my calculator on me, so can you tell me 14 X 36. Thanks in advance.

A: Yes, I can.

I hope this helped you to calculate your Body Mass Index in a timely manner.

Spigtorum recticitus

Q: What's the name of the space between your balls and my anus ?

A: This space can have many names, depending on the activities of the players involved.

For instance, if you and I were simultaneously receiving oral sex from a young lady, that space is called a screming eagle. If we're both simultaneously having intercourse with a lady, it's called a spit-roast.

However, during the normal course of events it's generally referred to by the latin "spigtorum recticitus", which, translated, means, "the space between your balls and my anus".

Pythagorus blearom

Q: Why is Pythagoras considered such a genius for his Triangle Theorem when I nailed it in grade 6 ?

A: Most people don't realize the history of this, but I'm glad you asked as it's a very interesting question.

The truth is that triangle theory was invented by a young kid named Bob while toasting a pop tart.

Pythagorus used to hang around the local pre-school stealing lunch boxes from kids when he overheard the theorum. He immediately discouraged the kid, took his lunch, went home and typed it up on his Commodore 64.

Hence the immaturity of the theorum and the name we have all come to know.

Tomato schomato

Q: Why do some people say tomato when I say tomato ?

A: Reader, it's obvious to the educated amongst us that tomato is the correct pronunciation of tomato.

However, some people, especially indiginous people or people who use English as a second language and insist on invading other people's countries, still insist on saying tomato.

Let me make it clear: people who say tomato are wrong and are walking fools. People who say tomato, however, are divine.

Wanking shrinkage

Q: Why do my testicles retract into my stomach when I masturbate??

A: Dear reader, while it can be disconcerting when any part of your body changes size without an obvious cause, this is nothing to worry about. It's usually just a sign of your body being very grateful for what you are doing to it.

Your testicles are actually little sacs of blood dangling in your scrotum. When you get en erection, the blood is pumped from these sacs to your penis. Hence your balls get smaller and your penis gets larger.

Note though that, if your balls ever end up becoming a vaccuum, despite the obviously impressive penis size you'll achieve, you do need to consult a medical professional.

The fate of human tails

Q: Why don't humans have tails anymore?

A: The facts are pretty clear on this one. Even back in the Permian period, when we had tails, it was only half the population that had them.

Over time, as we no longer needed our tails to balance on 2 legs, the tail grew smaller and smaller and gradually moved forward on the body.

The end result, for my lucky male readers, is the small organ between your legs called a penis.

Dutch rudder fan seeks next level

Q: I watched a movie the other day and it referred to a Dutch Rudder. I checked Yahoo Answers and it said it was a shipping manouvre.

A: Yes, but if Yahoo Answers was always correct, we wouldn't need Ask Harv, would we?

The truth is the reader already knows what a dutch rudder is, having performed it many times. It's a simple Google search to find out: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dutch+rudder.

So I can only assume, dear reader, that you're looking for the next level.

That would be a "Double Dutch Rudder", or "DDR", which is defined as "the process or action of two men standing facing each other, each with his right hand around his own penis, then they place their left hand on the elbow of their friends right elbow, then they simultaneously move the friends right elbow back/forth with their left hand causing the friend to masturbate."

It's important to note that this act is NOT difinitively homosexual, but is considered an option by many heterosexual males in female deprived situations, such as prison, being a nerd, or meeting the first person since your mum.

Di-NO-saurus

Q: Do you believe the dinasaurs were actually eaten as per new research ?

A: I believe whatever the experts tell us. In fact, I believe anything any authority figure tells me, and so should you.

But the truth is that dinosaurs are still alive now and I can prove it. But if I did have to prove it, your head would be bitten off by the dinosaur I showed you.

So in summary: no.

PS: I could eat a brontosaurus for breakfast.

Coin tosser

Q: I have a jar of coins from multiple countries and I'm not sure what it's worth ???

A: It's worth $28 US. Sorry, I hope you weren't hoping for more.

First question

Q: Why are you such a dick?

A: Well viewer, I half suspect your question is a little tongue in cheek. But I promised to answer everything.

I'm a dick, because I have massive daddy issues and take it out on others. For instance, when I woke up on my 19th birthday, hoping my Dad would have got me that Jethopper remote controlled car he promised me, instead I got daddy rape. Again.

So thanks for bringing up daddy rape as the first question.

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